Unapologetic

I was having a conversation with a couple of people recently about life & the different things it will throw at us.  A friend is going through a change that seems to suck a little upfront.  But in the long run, she is doing what is best for her and her family.  In just a few short months she'll be better off.  In trying to tell her that it was ok & it's a good decision, I threw out cancer.  Then I apologized.
So I felt awkward.

The conversation went like this:
Her:  So I'm dong this & it sucks a little now, but I'll be better off in 6 months
Me:  It's ok.  I can see myself in your shoes.  Cancer.  Blah, blah, blah.  Cancer.  Blartity, bloh, blah. Cancer.

Then I said it....... "I'm sorry.  I sound like Debbie Downer when I mention cancer."

Thankfully, I was talking to people I love & they love me.  They said the words that seem it ring out in my head:  DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR TALKING ABOUT THIS!!!

And they are right.

Bryce has officially had cancer for 3 years.  The 3 year anniversary of his diagnosis is just around the corner.  Talking about cancer for us is like asking someone else what they had for dinner or who won the world series (Congrats San Fran!!).  It's my everyday.  It's his very real reality.  It's his body, his health and what is always on our minds.

But we are in a new place.  I start talking and sure enough.... it happens...
Nice to meet you!  I'm Jessica.  We live down the street.  Your kid is in my kids class.  Cancer, cancer, blah, blah, blah.  Cancer.  Great!  Maybe we can have you guys over sometime so the kids can play.

I should say that somewhere in there, I see their grief.  or shock.  or that glazed look when they don't know what to say.  Immediately followed by the sound of crickets.  One of the close friends I mentioned above told me that they think about us & pray for us, but they don't want to ask because they don't want to bring up an emotional topic.  The strangers always say "I'm sorry."  Then I do it too.  Seriously..... someone tell me why I'm apologizing?!

I've decided that I'm not sorry.  I'm allowed to talk about it.  In fact, I WANT to talk about it.  I want to answer your questions.  I want to tell him how often I hear that prayers are being lifted up for him.  It really is dinner conversation at Stobb Manor.  Cancer isn't new news to us.  And let's face it.  I haven't ever had much of a filter anyways.  IF you want to know, we'll tell ya!

And the thing of it is that this is normal life for us now.  He's not so sick that he's bed ridden.  His platelets rebounded VERY well in the last week.  Therefore, we got the great big dose of the 3 drug cocktail on Tuesday.  The next 2 weeks should be easy street with just the Cetuximab administration.  He gets a little tired.  Sometimes he is really cranky.  But he's fine.  He wakes up.  He takes his meds.  He makes his juice.  He goes to work.  He comes home.  We do family stuff.  Really normal from the outside looking in.

Of course, the impending doom for me is wondering if all of this is working.  He has 3 days of appointments with MD Anderson the week before Thanksgiving.  The final day is finding out if all that he's doing is working.  Fingers crossed.  In the meantime..... sorry.  Not Sorry.