Comin' up roses (actually, it's a Japanese magnolia)

 It's been a crazy few week around here.  The last week or two have been especially nuts.  However, there have been some beautiful moments amidst the insanity.  Two of the 3 boys have elected to go back to school  for face to face learning, while Bowen has elected to continue with remote learning to avoid a quarantine situation.  He lives to play sports.  That being said, I have to brag.

Bowen started 10th grade this year.  AJ started 8th grade.  Bryant has moved into middle school for his 6th grade year.

We all needed this little nugget of normalcy during the most insane year of our lives.  So far, this fall is going to be my favorite part of the year.  Bowen made Varsity in football and AJ made marching band drum line.  Friday night lights will be SOOOOOOO fun!!!!  Bowen scored his first Varsity touchdown this past Friday and I could have cried and yelled and jumped and yelled.  *sigh*  Although, I did really yell, I feel like I held it together.  Just in case you would like to see said touch down, watch the video in this news clip HERE.

The cherry on the top, however, and the wrap up for this weekend was finally planting a tree for Bryce.  Bryce wanted to become trees.  He was very specific about who would get a piece of him to become part of these trees.  He wanted for me to have a Jacaranda tree, but I have killed 4 of them now.  I think that he picked this tree because of it's beautiful purple flowers.  His ashes, however, have been in a pot with the fourth dead tree for over a year.

While Kyle and I have spent months working on the add on room, I decided to pick up a Japanese magnolia to plant in the front yard.  The blood, sweat and tears that have gone into this add on are unreal.  Then my parents helped immensely in the final push to make my vision of the front yard come to fruition.  Today, Bryce's tree went in.  I cried a lot before my parents came over.  As my dad poured the last of the root simulator on, he said, "There ya go, B Stobb."  Watching them all fuss over this tree means more than I can ever find words for.  And Kyle..... I mean, how can I love him so much while missing Bryce the way I do?  And even more than that.... How does he handle my love for Bryce without jealousy or judgement?  He's just an amazing human with such a beautiful heart.

Welcome to your new old home, Bryce.

P.S.  your boys are out there killin' it, but I know that you know that

2020 Midway Point

I don't know that anyone necessarily wants to read what I have to say about a global epidemic, but I write to process my own feelings and I write to get it all out.  So, here it goes.

For anyone living under a rock or for anyone that finds this blog in a hundred years, we are currently living in a world that is under attack by COVID-19.  Our hospitals are not equipt with enough ventilators to battle and treat this sickness.  That's the basics of it.

They told us all to stay home.  Well, that's weird!  We were required to home school our kids for a season.  That's hard!  I personally am in the middle of construction on my home, too.  I suffer from anxiety and depression off and on from time to time.  It happens to be one of those times.  Life circumstances probably brought that on.  Mental illness and emotional distress is a very real thing.  And to be perfectly honest, it sucks!

We're about halfway to Christmas in 2020 and here's a little run down of things happening in my life.  My job said, "Do NOT come to the office."  My job duties have had to shift a little bit, but I'm lucky. I still have a job while others were forced out of theirs.  That makes me sad.  For three weeks, the kids and I locked ourselves in our home, homeschooled and tried to figure out what was happening in the world.  The construction on the home was put on hold because workers couldn't come here.  Why? Because the workers were afraid to come in and we were afraid to let people in, because none of us wanted to die.  That's not a comfortable feeling.  Next, the death of George Floyd caused an uproar in every major city across America. Rightfully so.  It wasn't fear I felt then.  It was overwhelming sadness.  In the middle of this, we've tried to get construction moving again.  I also stepped down from my Worship Team at church. That's met with mixed emotions as well.

Here's the deal... there's no way anyone could be experiencing 2020 in America and not feel like:

1)  2020 is definitely the equivalent to a dumpster fire

2)  Humans everywhere are in serious pain

3)  Emotional and mental health problems are very real

That being said, what a time for us to lay ourselves at the cross.  Churches have been forced to close thier brick and mortar doors, but a building isn't the church.  The people, the body of Christ, are still here.  When talking to the pandemic, I know that Revelation 21:4 is true.  Someday, there will be no more death.  And the beautiful image of Christ wiping away all of our tears helps me.  For this woman experiencing severe anxiety and depression, I HAVE to go to The Word.

Psalm 94:18-19 - God will support and console me

Isaiah 45:5-7 - Everything is under God's control 

Psalm 143:7-8 - God listens and responds to my cries for help

What about when I'm feeling weak or frustrated? 

Psalm 34:19 God will deliver us through our struggles 

Romans 8:26 - The Spirit helps us in our weaknesses 

I have The Word. God has given me all of the tools.  So, why.... WHY does life feel so hard right now?!  Why do I cry so much?  Why can't I just "feel better?!"  Afterall, in Matthew 6:25-34, He tells me not to worry about my life or about tomorrow.  So why do I worry?!  I mean... if worrying were an Olympic sport, I'd be pulling in Golds ALL DAY LONG!  Look out Phelps!

I don't know what my point is here, necessarily.  I do know that I'm not the only one feeling this way though.  What I need to say to people and definitely to myself is FORGIVE.  Forgive myself. Go easy on myself.  If God asks us to show mercy to others, then I need to show mercy to myself. 

Grace. Humility. Kindness. Compassion.

Jesus taught us.  He showed us, BY EXAMPLE, not only to share these gifts with others, but to lay them on our own hearts.

Drowning, Anniversaries and Rocks

Another year without Bryce.  Sometimes it feels like it's been 4 years.  Some days I feel like it has been a lifetime since I was able to touch him.  Unless you've lost someone, you will never understand what it feels like to desperately need a conversation with your person and they aren't there.  Other days, I may be in a crowd somewhere and I feel like I hear his laugh.  When I hear his laugh or his voice, it seems like it was just yesterday that he was still with me.  Grief messes with time.

About a month ago, I basically became the most awful person to be around.  About a week into being this evil monster, I was driving down the road when I heard Drowning by Chris Young for the first time.  I was undone.  Completely undone.  I did, however, try to be kind enough to myself to say "Self, this is why you're unbearable right now."  Most of the time, I can snap out of it when the reminder pops up.  This year has been different.

This could also be the result of some very, VERY trying times with my teenagers and Kyle's tween.  Either way, I don't particularly enjoy being a terrible person to be around.  I always tell my kids that they could "choose joy" or they "have the power to determine their own happiness."  My particular favorite is to use "the power of positivity."  The best part about using that last line is that Bowen was the one to teach us about that power.  I use it on him the most.

So, here it is.  Another D-day.  I haven't been positive for a month.  My prayers are full of prayers for people that are suffering.  Don't get me wrong.  I do thank Him for the things that I have.  I am praying for other things and people.  It's just that there's so much pain right now.  Deer Park High School class of 95 lost a truly wonderful soul.  Gil Co, you were one of a kind.  The family that I met Bryce through lost ANOTHER sibling and son.  I loved Joe dearly.  My friend here in Lago suffering through breast cancer.  Nik, God is a healer.  Rich, praying for your strength while your wife needs you the most.  These three are just the tip of the iceberg.

Maybe I've been such a wreck because of all of it.  Maybe I've been just a mess because I am so dang tired.  Tired makes me weepy.  Tired also makes me angry.  No one likes being around emotional bears.  The people closest to me just couldn't get a good read.  No one really knew what version of Jessica they were about to receive.  That's a scary place to be.  for them.

Naturally, D-day arrives and things feel like they can go back to normal.  It was really nice to wake up to the sound of thunder and rain pouring down.  It was an external picture of what was going on in my heart.  It's also cleansing.  It's an external picture of everything being washed away.  A normal way of life will still be messy for now with the kids sports schedules, but my head space is perhaps going to level out.

I also made the decision to remember this day in a different way.  I couldn't figure out exactly what I wanted that to look like until this morning.  Bryce and I started doing the traditional wedding gifts in year 4.  That year was leather.  This was also the year that Bryce went from being a TERRIBLE gift finder to kicking my tail every single year in the anniversary gift game.

This being year 4, I thought about buying something leather.  However, I also want to marry Kyle someday and I would like to carry on the traditional wedding gifts with him.  I googled what the modern gifts were.  They're boring, by the way.  I am not interested in honoring Bryce's first day in heaven with an appliance.  The irony here, is that I will have a new double oven and microwave delivered this week.

Anyhow, while google searching, I discovered that leather may have been year 3, not year 4.  I also discovered that there are different stones, gems and colors for anniversaries, too.  So that's it.  I don't need a new topaz ring, but what I can do is collect things.  Fake rocks that symbolize a rare stone.  Rocks that are similar or the same color.  I have a glass bowl that we received as a wedding bowl.  I have been trying to decide what to do with it since the potpourri lost it's stink AGES ago.  This is it.  I'm searching for rocks, gems and colors.

February may look like a mess for me.  In other words, I will be a mess for some or all of February.  March, even though it's a crazy time for our family, can be filled with stones and color and memories.  I hold a stone, pray over it.  I can hold these things and pray for the suffering that it happening all around me.  Around ALL of us.  Once it's been prayed over, I can put them in my beautiful bowl knowing that all of these things are out of my hands.  Let's face it.  I never had control of them to begin with.