Dear Bryce

Dear Bryce,
 I never really talk to you. I know that you can't hear me. I think of you daily though. I wish I could at least email you or something, but you are gone. Today, you would have been 42 years old, but you never made it to 39. I guess you didn't make it and see a lot of things. I think that's why today is harder than the past couple of birthdays you missed.
 Do you know how hard it is to be a single mom to teenage boys? I guess you don't because you're gone now. They both really could have used their dad over the past year. They've needed you since the day you passed. I hope that I'm not screwing them up. I guess I'll find out when they move out.
 Do you know how hard it is to wonder if I am screwing them up though? Would I still worry about this if you were here to help? I guess I can't know these things because you are gone.
 Bowen turned 15 on Saturday. I did NOT handle that well. He's taller than me now, but I can still see his chubby baby face through what's visible to anyone else. But I look at him through his mothers' eyes. He's growing into a dedicated athlete. I'm sure you always knew that would be the case. At least I can say that I haven't screwed that part up, yet. And he's just gorgeous. Honestly, gorgeous. I just can't tell him that.
 AJ is still brilliant and defiant. I wonder if he's become more defiant because you are gone. There's also no way of knowing. He's still a little boy in so many ways, but he's matured, too. He's got a wonderful sense of humor and has started to come out of his shell. In some ways, he's busted out of it guns ablaze'. He has even twerked for me twice in the past month! I wish you could have seen it. I can still hear your laugh. Sometimes, I imagine that you did see things, just so that I can imagine your big laugh.
 You should see the house, baby. As strange as it is to mention Kyle to you, I know that you wouldn't have wanted me to be lonely. He has loved this house, too. He's made it so beautiful. I think the work on the outside of the house will be done this week. He also loves your boys. He is good to them, too. It's weird to say this, too, but I wish you could have met each other. Not that it's an option, because you are gone.
 I know that not all of your birthdays will be this bad. This one just really sucks. I am trying to stay busy. I don't even have to try. I am just busy! But busy can't take away the memory of you, no matter how hard I try. I still love you. I'm sorry that you couldn't celebrate 42.
 Your grieving wife,
Jessica (because you refused to call me Jess)

A Shower + My Bed = Heaven

I'm HOME!!!!!  And I couldn't be happier!!  It's not a super easy recovery ahead of me, but I am able to do this from my own bed now!  My last post walked through the days before and what lead to surgery.  This will be a little more about the process of surgery and what recovery will look like.

First, I'd like to tell a little story about my state of mind when they said they needed to operate.  They had already been administering dilaudid.
Dilaudid = Morphine x 8

My brain was a little less than sharp.  When they said they were going to operate, my initial reaction in my dulled mind was something along the line of "Cool, man."  I was somehow able to piece together that someone had mentioned that it was nearing 7:00 pm and my surgeon had not spoken to me because he was studying my current pictures with those from two and a half years ago.  It dawned on me that someone had mentioned the word "emergency" when discussing my case.  When the surgeon came to talk to me, I had started to realize the urgency.  It was even more evident when a very qualified and well respected surgeon made the decision to bring in someone else to handle my case, because he hadn't operated on many cases like me.  I asked as many questions as I could.  Questions about the procedure and the way it was going to happen.  Questions about risks.  Anything I could get my furry brain to come up with.  It was setting in that I wasn't having a tooth pulled.  Someone was going into my chest cavity to clean out stomach contents.  THAT is problematic and needs major work.  It was sinking in and freaking me out right about the time they were taking me back and knocking me out.  Essentially, just in time.

Tube scar is a few inches below the incision

Turns out, this surgery was pretty serious.  You can read about why it had to happen in my last post, if you click HERE.  If you need to know the why behind things, the previous post is for you.  If you need to know how, that's why we're here today.  The procedure that they did is called a thoracotomy.  They started the cut on my left side and went about 8 inches around to my back.  They cut between ribs to get inside of the chest cavity.  They insert a tube into my lung.  This is for multiple reasons.  For me, its purpose was to drain the fluid that was there at the time, and it would stay in to keep draining fluid out post surgery.

For the week that I was there, I was in ICU and the beds were all full down on the floor.   Basically, once the chest tube and epidural came out, there was no need for me to be in ICU.  However, there were greater needs down on the floor.  Therefore, I was released straight from ICU on Monday.  Ideally, they would have kept me for at least another day.  They would have preferred to watch me eat real food and take a warm shower to make sure I could handle both with no issues.  They would have preferred to watch me go to oral medications from intravenous before sending me home.  I know that's what THEY would have preferred in an ideal setting.  I am, however, very happy with going home when I did.  I just have to be extra cautious and aware of my body.

What does this mean a week post surgery?  First of all, I got to take a shower.  FINALLY!!!  It was literally the best shower I have had in my entire life.  The first shower after not being allowed to have one for six days was even better BECAUSE it wasn't at the hospital.  I still had help.  It was at my parents house, not mine, because they have a bench seat in theirs.  It was so wonderful, I'm going back to that shower tomorrow for another one.  It didn't have to happen with a stranger in the room with a badge that says physical therapist.  It didn't happen with left over hotel soaps and washes with a rough wash cloth.  I'm telling you.  This is reason numero uno for breaking out of the ICU a day or two early.  OK.  I also wanted to be with my kids and home, but the shower really was top notch.

Next up, I have to rest and take it easy.  They say it's an 8 week recovery.  I'm having a hard time explaining what this feels like.  Maybe like broken ribs that have had a hysterectomy?  My ribs hurt.  Coughing or clearing my throat is one of the hardest things that I do.  I grasp for a pillow to hold against me and try to be as gentle as possible, but there is still "stuff" that I need to clear from the lungs.  Mid-story or sentence, I may suddenly stop to try to fill my lungs with air.  That is difficult to do, as well.  Laughing is excruciating.  I simply have to remember that people have gone into a part of my body where all of the important things live, minus the brain, and cut away tissue and part of an organ that were bad.  It's going to take a minute to feel normal again, but I can tell you that I feel great, all things considered!

Lastly, I have to pay very close attention to what my body is telling me.  I think I lost 20 pounds this week.  I'll verify when new batteries for my scale show up.  I don't think I can eat like normal, yet.  I wasn't allowed a full diet until the day I left.  I have been trying to ease into food.  I am also not that hungry, because I am not active right now.  What I discovered today is that I can feel my stomach digest a meal.  It's one of the strangest sensations I have ever had.  As we all know, the stomach contracts to digest.  Well, I can feel that about 3 minutes after I'm finished eating.  It isn't necessarily painful, but it's certainly uncomfortable.  It's kind of like a muscle cramp.  As an added bonus, when it happens, I also "lose my stomach."  It's as if I am on a roller coaster and my stomach drops, but it's less severe.  Slower, so to speak.  It's quite bizarre and uncomfortable.  And standing or walking through it feels better than laying down.  Anyhow, I'm definitely paying attention to my intake and what my body is telling me.

That covers it, I think.  I will finish with a few disclaimers though:

• I AM medicated.  I forget things.  Often.  Please tell me the same story 3 times.  It will give you opportunities to perfect it.  Just make sure that they aren't funny stories for the time being.
• My summer is kind of blown.  I'll do what I can to make sure the kids have fun, but I am not submersible for at least a couple of months.  I am kind of sad about this.
• My sleep patterns are completely messed up since coming out of surgery.  It makes my powers to forget even stronger.  It also makes me down right loopy.
• All of this makes me emotional.  I'm an overwhelmed, once again, with your love, support and prayers.  I seriously love you guys.

Hospital Update

Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors. I am working on this at 4:45 am.  Why 4:45 am?  Because that's when hospital staff starts their days.  That's when the nurse needs to do something.  That's when the x-ray tech comes in to get my chest x-ray.  So, Good Morning! We're all awake now!

I just thought I could send out a note for everyone that explains a little more thoroughly what's been going on since I got here. In my last post, I had mentioned that on Wednesday, the 8th, I woke up with bad shoulder pain.  You can read more about that HERE.   One week later, I was on the phone with my mom when even worse pain hit.  Mom summed it up very nicely in a Facebook post that said: "she [that'd be me, Jessica] experienced a strangulated hernia. What we NOW know is that her diaphragm was slightly torn 2-1/2 years ago in the car wreck. It went undetected at that time. Over time, the tear slowly increased and a small pocket of her stomach herniated through it. The hernia probably happened a couple of weeks ago (possibly even before that). Then yesterday morning, the small part of the stomach ruptured. It was instant excruciating pain and difficulty breathing. She had emergency surgery yesterday evening and she's now recovering in ICU with an uncomfortable drainage tube and a lot of residual pain. To manage the pain better, they just put in an epidural so she doesn't have to have as much opioid medication. She is VERY fortunate that only a small amount of stomach had to be cut out (golf ball size at most) and infection had not set in and no feeding tube had to be put in. This could have been so much worse. Pain management will be the big deal, and she is anxious to eat, but nothing by mouth for a couple of days."

Since then, I've learned more, can elaborate a little more and can explain what they have planned for me over the next couple of days.  Some have asked if the shoulder issue and the hernia were related.  The answer to that is, yes.  I do have a collar bone that is no longer attached to my shoulder, but the pain nearly two weeks ago was "too much" to be just that.  What I know NOW is that the diaphragm refers pain to the shoulder.  For anyone who has experienced gall bladder pain or issues, this may sound familiar.  The gall bladder will make your shoulder hurt, too.

With these sort of situations, it is very hard for a doctor to guess exactly when everything took place.  Even though I was here last Friday and received x-rays, the hernia did not show up.  My case isn't something that walks into ERs every day.  Do they happen? certainly.  My first nurse in the ICU said that in his 10 years, he's seen 1 case like mine.  They were finally able to see what was going on with a CT scan of the chest.  That's when they made the decision to have the emergency surgery.  The cardio-thoracic surgeon assigned is spoken of in the highest regards.  He was very detailed in his explanation of this surgery and was still humble enough to say, "Ya know what? I don't do a whole lot of these. I'm asking for another big gun to take the reigns on this."  Maybe that's not a direct quote and I could be paraphrasing.  Either way, I really, REALLY respect him for that.

What they saw in the CT was the strangulated hernia.  What they also knew was that they were going to require a scope down my throat to decide on the best way to operate.  For the CJ Hood's of the world and anyone else wanting to grow up to be a surgeon, that type of scope is called an endoscopy.  That was surgical phase one.  That gave them the ability to see how much of the stomach had herniated and decide whether they were going in through my side/rib cage or from the front, abdominal area.  What's the difference and why?  I am not not sure.  I do know that they preferred the side and got what they wanted.

This is the part that gets detailed and we will be discussing guts.  If you ask me later what happened, and I say "It was in my blog" and you tell me that you thought it was gross, I will tell you that my verbal response will no different.  So, let's chat about GUTS!  The CT scan showed stomach.  After getting in there, they discovered that my omentum had herniated the diaphragm with a small portion of my stomach.  I would like like to explain omentum to you in the same way my surgeon did.  It is the ...... Wait for it.... fatty curtain  *OH YEAH*  that surrounds our abdominal area.  When it sensed that my stomach was in danger, it went to its rescue.  

The small piece of my stomach that had made it through had also ruptured and what we know now is that is where my sudden pain came from.  As everyone knows, stomach contents don't belong in chest cavities and this created some issues.  The hole in my diaphragm was about the size of a golf ball when he went in initially.  He had to clean up the stomach contents, cut away and clean up the part of the omentum that was necrotic, then cut out the part of the stomach that had ruptured, which was about the size of a knuckle.  Once he was finished with the clean up, he had to open up the hole in the diaphragm a little more to push everything back into the abdomen.  Then he was able to sew up the diaphragm.

Scars are like tattoos with better stories

That, in a nut shell, was this past Wednesday. I came to ICU with chest tubes, a pain pump and they added an epidural.  It's not the kind you think of with pregnancies,  I can walk.  There is zero numbness or tingling sensations.  It's actually up higher.  So that it blocks the pain where the incision and the chest tubes are.

Here's a photo for ya.  What's on my back in the plastic wrap and tape that protect the epidural.  The top bandage is the incision.  The bottom mess of gauze and tape is the tube.  This bandage has grown each day and has started taking on a life of it's own.

Here is the hope for today.  I hope that the chest tube can come out.  There is no longer any more output.  Once that is out, the epidural can come out.  Once those two things are out, I can move out of ICU.

And the biggest of them all, as if this all weren't enough, once I am out of ICU, I can shower!
HOLLUHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

So say some prayers that this day goes smoothly.  I would really like for it to.  I do not expect it to happen without discomfort, bumps or hiccups, but I'd really like a shower.  If all goes well, I will be headed home Monday or Tuesday.  More news to come of release.  Meanwhile, I love you all so much and I'm so grateful for the outpouring of love and support.  I have the best people in my life.  HANDS DOWN!!!!!


Just a side note for everyone.  It took me almost 2 hours to post this.  It's 6:35.  I think I'm about to see some doctors!!!!

Rainstorms and Rainbows

So many things have happened this year... loss, learning experiences, love, pain, success, etc.
and it's Mid-May

For those that are closest to me, they know that this time of the year is hell.  I go from Bryce's D-Day directly into preparing for Dell Technologies World, which is the biggest event that we pull off at work.  My team specifically hosts the media and analysts at this event, and this all takes place in Las Vegas.  Las Vegas should be everyone's clue as to how big this thing really is.  It consumes your life for the months leading up to it.  Once again, it was a successful event, but that's not necessarily what I'd like to write for this entry.

My Dream Team

Today, I want to write about all of the other things.  About a year ago, I went to my boss and said that I find myself more interested in the event side of my job and would like to move away from admin support for my executives.  Not that I don't LOVE my execs.  I was simply interested in taking my career somewhere else.  A couple of months ago, it was announced that my dreams were going to come true.  Event world.... HERE I COME!  Just in time for the biggest show of the year.

To say that is wasn't tough at times would be a lie.  To say that I might have been really frustrated a time or two would also be a lie.  The best part, however, is how much I learned through this.  My boss believed in me enough to give me an amazing opportunity to grow through this.  My lead was VERY patient with me when I didn't deserve it and fought back at times.  He might have wanted to kill me, but he never let on.  Krissy, my rock, my other half, the apple to my sauce.  There are no words for your ability to put up with me and help me keep my sanity.  The others on this dream team executed their parts perfectly and all deserve huge rounds of applause, too.

Then, just when I think that life can resume its regularly scheduled program, I wake up in agonizing pain.

BRIEF RECAP: I was in a devastating wreck 2 1/2 years ago.  Oddly enough, I never blogged about it, but I have my reasons.  There were many injuries.  One of which, my collar bone was disconnected from my shoulder.  This is not something that can be repaired medically.  Trust me.  I asked.  Every now and then, I'll sleep on it wrong or do something I shouldn't and it will bug me for a few days.

OK. Back to Wednesday morning!  I woke up crying and screaming so bad that my boys were completely freaked out.  They called Kyle to come over, because they didn't know what to do.  HEY!  I didn't know what to do!  I mean, it's 6:00 in the morning.  All anyone wanted was some cereal and a ride to school.  Neither of which I was able to provide that day.  I assumed it would get better.  It definitely did not.  Friday morning, my mother said, "Go to the hospital, child."  Clearly, my pacing the bedroom floor, crying to my ceiling, "Please, stop!" wasn't doing the trick.

GOOD NEWS!!!!  I wasn't having a heart attack.  After an EKG and a few x-rays, they sent me home with serious medications to get me through the pain and a steroid (DUH! STEROID! Why didn't I think of that?!!) to reduce the inflammation and remove the nerve pain.

I can't tell you how much it angers me to miss something because of this pain.  I missed out on singing at church this week.  Do you KNOW how much I love being a part of this worship team?!?!  I had to take a sick day to get to the hospital to figure this out.  Do you KNOW how embarrassed I was to tell work about this?!!

But my message today isn't about feeling sorry for me.  I never, EVER, want my physical ailments to be thought of as a limitation.
I will bust my wide fanny to be my best at this new opportunity that I've been given at work.
I will just lay down for a few minutes after leading worship at church, if I'm hurting.
I will dance and show off my amazing(ly bad) dance moves, regardless of how much I hurt for a couple of days after.
*Please Note: Dancing nor worship were cause for the shoulder flare up*

I will not allow this "thing" to rule my life.  I will not let anything suck joy from my soul.
I will sing.
I will dance.
I will work hard.
I will sit in the stands to watch my boys play games.  And let's face it, fan stands hurt everyone!
None of this defines me.  In the beautiful song that Jo Dee Messina sings, Bring on the Rain.  That's right!!  Bring it!  I chose joy!

God strategically and perfectly placed people in my life to pull me through my messes.  Bryce, who may not be here walking this Earth daily with me anymore, gave two little men who he reared for 9 and 11 years.  He taught them to love their mother.  Granted, it doesn't always happen daily.  At 12 and 14, they don't love and honor me when I say, "Clean your room" or "Do your laundry."  But when their mom was down for the count, they stepped up.  My work team has been beyond understanding of what this past week has been like for me.  Many, MANY, friends and coworkers have reached out to offer support, prayers and sweet messages.  Lastly, my sweet treasure of a man, Kyle.

My dad named it "The Momlet"

Kyle.  This guy has forced me to rest.  He has cared for and catered to me for days now.  Today, Mother's Day, he pulled out ALL the stops.  I woke up to a beautifully crafted omelet.  Then, immediately went to work helping me create a lunch for my mom.  We went to her house to make sure she could step out of her kitchen for a moment.  He hung her new curtains, because my dad is still recovering from surgery.  Afterwards, he came back to my house and immediately fired up the pit to start on ribs for my mother's day dinner.  This man is the sweetest, kindest, most giving man I could have ever dreamed up.  His heart is bigger than anything I've ever seen.

So, I say all of these things to say this:
Don't cry for me, Argentina!

I may not have a mansion and gold, but I am beyond rich.  My heart is so full.  Where Jo Dee Messina sings a pretty song, preacher John Piper truly explains it all in this post.  Here's just a piece of it:

2 Corinthians 4:17 says our "light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory." It doesn't say, "will be followed by an eternal weight of glory" - that would be good enough. That's not what it says. Katergadzomai - Greek for produce, prepare, cause to bring about.  I'll venture this: every millisecond of your pain - from fallen nature or fallen man - every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that suffering.

That's a very controversial statement - and I believe it. So, if anybody says to me that a believer's suffering was meaningless, I'm going to eventually come back and say, "It wasn't meaningless." I don't care if it was cancer or criticism. I don't care if it was slander or sickness - it wasn't meaningless, because 2 Corinthians 4:17 says that my light, momentary, lifelong, total affliction is doing something. It's doing something. It's not meaningless.

Of course, you can't see what it's doing. This is the main unseen thing 2 Corinthians 4:18 is talking about, I think. What's the unseen you're supposed to look at? You're supposed to look at the promise of God in verse 17 that says your pain is doing something for you. You can't see it. You can't feel it. Either you see it with the eyes of faith and believe it, because the text says it, or you lose heart.
           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even if that is difficult or grasp or tough to swallow, HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT?!

Maybe this entire post today is an apology.  I know that many of you have heard me complain. lots.
Complaints about money.  Complaints about my frustrations with kids.  Complaints because I've been so busy lately.  You know what?  Those are all just rainstorms.  We see plenty of those here in Texas.  Today, I see the rainbows.  I am rich!  Through the hardships at work, I have a team that believes in me.  My kids are just being teenagers, but they love me.  My parents are here with me in Lago now and I can love on them even more.  And my precious Kyle, he's always supplying me with rainbows.

I'll finish with this.  My faith allows me to see past the struggles and pain.  I know that today, I didn't just see rainbows.  I see that none of my suffering is meaningless.  It is producing a peculiar glory.... eternal weight of glory.  The best part of today, I didn't see the suffering.  The pain didn't matter.  I saw all of the beautiful things in my life.

The Three Year Mark

Here I go again..... another year of promising to post and write.  Another year of only writing on D-Day.  Maybe it's the only time of the year that I actually take time to just get it all out.  I need to do it more regularly.  Then maybe D-days wouldn't be so rough.  WARNING: If you're looking for happy, sunshine, life goes on crap...... you won't find it here.

This year has been a rough year already for so many people that I know because of loss.  Maybe that's why this year feels so sad.  Maybe it's always this sad.  I just know that I've been hurting for a couple of weeks, and I know for sure that it's because of March 4th and everything that it brings.  In all reality, every day life for me is really good.  Today, however, sucks.

I feel like I'm changing.  Change is good.  Despite my aversion to it, I am changing.  I fear that my changes are moving me away from Bryce.  Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day.  I love him still.  I am just not the same person today that I was when I was with him.  Even if those changes are for the better, I feel further removed from him and that makes me a little sad.  Would he be proud of the changes in me?  Would he still love me with these changes if he were here?  And the bottom line is, none of that even matters.  He's not here and that make me sad.

And even though there are changes in me, March 4th comes around and I am walking the same path that I did three years ago.  This morning I woke up and got ready for work.  Maybe it was a slightly different time than it was in 2016, but I know that I kissed him goodbye and told him that I would see him at his doctors appointment later that morning.  I don't remember if I kissed him after the doctors appointment.  Was that goodbye kiss before going to work my last kiss?

When I got to that appointment, we got bad news, then I went back to my office and wrote a blog post that said "I don't want to talk about it."  Even though I talk about Bryce all of the time, I rarely bring up the bad stuff.  The painful things.  The gross things.  The ugly, medical, sleepless, shit that we were dealing with in the last two months of his life.  I have flashbacks of that day all of the time.  This month, I can't stop thinking about walking around in his blood in my room after the helicopter left.

I'm not sure why this year feels worse than last year.  It's like it's the first year.  I am grateful that our weather is cold and crappy.  I am grateful that track and baseball have been canceled.  I am grateful that I can go home and just be alone after work.  But that's only for today. 

I am also grateful for all of the wonderful things happening in my life.  I am grateful for my smart, handsome, loving boys.  They keep me busy.  They're also in middle school.  So they get weird, but I'm hoping that fades.  I am grateful that I have Kyle and that he blesses me with his love daily.  I am grateful that I found him at 40.  We can truly appreciate each other in a way that I didn't know was possible.  I am grateful that my parents have signed on their house.  They officially have a home in Lago near me.  I am grateful for all of my friends and family that have loved me through this.

I've reached out to people who meant so much to him and reminisced at bit.  People have reached out to me.  I've even gotten a video of a friend telling a story of Bryce.  He was referred to as a legend.  He really was a legend.  I might be really, really funky today, but that's because Bryce was just epic.  Epic people leave holes.  I have amazing people that love me through this, but some holes can never be filled.  I wish I could see him one more time.  I wish my boys could get one more hug.  I wish we could hear his voice one more time.  I hope he knows that we love him.