I realize that most of my posts seem sad. When I decide to write, I might be sad, actually. However, I really am doing OK. This past Saturday was 3 months since Bryce moved on to a better place. And that anniversary came the day before my 39th birthday. I know if I'm distracted, I won't wallow in self pity. Therefore, I planned for fun things.
There for a while, and I still have little fits of it, I had a hard time with guilt. I felt like smiling was wrong. If I had a day of fun, I would end up in bed for 2 days afterwards. Bryce would have never, EVER wanted that for me. I just wrote his last blog about
The Final Hours. I felt so much guilt for not being there when he died. It cut me to my core that I wasn't there. Eventually, I started to see past the sorrow and I started to see that God had everyone perfectly placed that day. I was meant to be at the doctors office with him that morning. I was meant to see his face look so..... so.... done. He was tired. I blabbed on and barked out the next steps. He laid his head back on the table and just closed his eyes. He was so damn tired of having to make plans, discuss next steps, go through surgeries, inject poison into his veins. Just. Done. But here's the thing about that guy, he would have continued so that his boys would see him fight.
I've told many people this thing about cancer. Cancer saved my marriage. Cancer showed my boys what being a fighter looks like. Cancer gave me back my faith, and it's stronger than ever. Here's the biggest gift though.
Cancer brought Bryce to Jesus.
Therefore, Cancer gave me the guarantee of seeing Bryce again in eternity.
Back to the doctors office that day. There's a part of me that wonders if he prayed right then and there and asked for God's mercy in this fight. He never wanted us to see him waste away. He'd lost 10 pounds that week.
No wait. I need to divert my attention again. Here's another interesting tidbit: Bryce's biggest fear (and mine too) was that the boys would get home from school and find Daddy dead or something. A week or 2 before Bryce's hospital stay in January, he'd asked his mom to come live in her vacation house that's minutes away from us, because he wanted someone to be able to check on him while I was working.
Back to the day of..... His mom drove him back to my house after the crappy news that the tumor was growing. They were having a lovely visit with Alan and the girls. Gary went to go get AJ from the bus stop. That's when it all happened. Had his parents not been there, AJ would have found Bryce bleeding from his stoma. If Bryce's family members had not been there, Jerrie would have done this all by herself. Gary was down the street getting AJ. When they walked in, Bryce's cousin got AJ away from everything and for the rest of them, it was all hands on deck. Consoling, grabbing towels, helping Bryce or EMS in anyway they could. God put them there because they knew how to help and what to do. I would have been useless. I know now that I was not meant to see it happen. God didn't want it that way, because he knows I would never have been able to handle it. To be quite honest, I didn't handle it well not seeing it. But my 38 year old husband died..... no one should handle that is any grace. The blood all over my bathroom and bed and floor was all could handle. I wouldn't have done well seeing it ACTUALLY happen.
Two of our best friends, Amber and Keith, happened to be around the corner. My mom called her and they were here to help in minutes. Amber says that she's the one that grabbed me when I was running to the helicopter. She and a cop stopped me. It was meant to be Jerrie that held his hand in that moment. She was with him when he entered this world. She was there when he left it. It needed to be that way.
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| Taken by my old friend, Michael, when he saw us randomly pedal by |
I say all of that to say that I process things constantly. Writing helps me. I've avoided this because it's hard to write these things. I also write it to say that I will not apologize for smiling and having fun when I need to.
Months ago, my best friends, Leslye and Graham, booked a pub crawler for Bryce. We were supposed to go out and have some fun. It was booked for the beginning of December. The week of, Bryce found out about this last nasty tumor. Les called to postpone the ride for another time when he felt better. I guess you could technically say that Bryce is currently feeling better than ever; at least better than he had in months. Unfortunately, he is no longer here with us. SO.... I decided that the 3 month anniversary and my birthday we were going to cash in on this fun ride. And fun was had by all!!!!!!!!!
When we got home, my new neighbors had a spread for us to eat & play porch games. My sister in law, meanwhile, was handling both boys. Bowen had a tournament near her house. They've been getting him there while I just had some adult fun. Yesterday, I had a group of ladies with me while we painted pallet signs at a local business in town. SOOOOOO much fun. I made two, but the biggest deal for me was the #BStrong logo. It's going on my porch. I have posted it on facebook, but I'm going to post it here once it's hung on our porch. Bryce loved entertaining and having a house that people loved to be at. That WILL continue!!!!!
So, here's the deal. We're getting along. I have LOTS of help right now. People are loving on us and I am so grateful. I'll never be able to thank everyone for everything they've done. Heck..... I'm still writing thank you notes for all of the donations!!!! We have our sad days, but our days are also filled with so much more. It's OK to cry. But it's also OK to laugh. I think I'm laughing more now than I have since November. Maybe even longer!
Bryce doesn't hurt anymore. Bryce doesn't feel pain. Bryce isn't sick. God removed that burden from him. Look, I miss him. Sometimes, I overwhelmed by it. Sometimes, it sneaks up on me and scares me or I'm shocked by it? If THAT makes any sense. Father's Day is coming up. That's going to be a hard one, but we're going to do it. The boys and I WILL get through it. If Bryce could endure all that he did, the least I can do is look up to the heavens and smile at him through my tears. He gave me his best years. He gave me the two best parts of him. He taught me that I could do anything I wanted to do. HE supported ME in whatever I wanted!!! My favorite was that we laughed together. SO many laughs. That's all he wants for all of us now. Just keep on. Remember him fondly. "Live. Laugh. Love." is stitched on pillows all over America. Bryce actually did. So the boys and I will, too.
Rough week for me. But I have some really great guys in my life and they shouldn't go unnoticed. My words aren't really coming out the right way, so I'll keep it short. With my parents help, the boys got me a Father's Day present. I completely lost it..... sad tears, happy tears, all of the feels. I have a great dad. He definitely needs props for being awesome. I got to watch the Astro's game with him and my boys on Friday night. I'm thankful to Gary for giving me Bryce. Then there's Bryce and my boys. I'm so grateful for the boys that he gave me. And I'll forever be thankful that my boys had such a wonderful daddy.
