This year has been a rough year already for so many people that I know because of loss. Maybe that's why this year feels so sad. Maybe it's always this sad. I just know that I've been hurting for a couple of weeks, and I know for sure that it's because of March 4th and everything that it brings. In all reality, every day life for me is really good. Today, however, sucks.
I feel like I'm changing. Change is good. Despite my aversion to it, I am changing. I fear that my changes are moving me away from Bryce. Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day. I love him still. I am just not the same person today that I was when I was with him. Even if those changes are for the better, I feel further removed from him and that makes me a little sad. Would he be proud of the changes in me? Would he still love me with these changes if he were here? And the bottom line is, none of that even matters. He's not here and that make me sad.
And even though there are changes in me, March 4th comes around and I am walking the same path that I did three years ago. This morning I woke up and got ready for work. Maybe it was a slightly different time than it was in 2016, but I know that I kissed him goodbye and told him that I would see him at his doctors appointment later that morning. I don't remember if I kissed him after the doctors appointment. Was that goodbye kiss before going to work my last kiss?
When I got to that appointment, we got bad news, then I went back to my office and wrote a blog post that said "I don't want to talk about it." Even though I talk about Bryce all of the time, I rarely bring up the bad stuff. The painful things. The gross things. The ugly, medical, sleepless, shit that we were dealing with in the last two months of his life. I have flashbacks of that day all of the time. This month, I can't stop thinking about walking around in his blood in my room after the helicopter left.
I'm not sure why this year feels worse than last year. It's like it's the first year. I am grateful that our weather is cold and crappy. I am grateful that track and baseball have been canceled. I am grateful that I can go home and just be alone after work. But that's only for today.
I am also grateful for all of the wonderful things happening in my life. I am grateful for my smart, handsome, loving boys. They keep me busy. They're also in middle school. So they get weird, but I'm hoping that fades. I am grateful that I have Kyle and that he blesses me with his love daily. I am grateful that I found him at 40. We can truly appreciate each other in a way that I didn't know was possible. I am grateful that my parents have signed on their house. They officially have a home in Lago near me. I am grateful for all of my friends and family that have loved me through this.
I've reached out to people who meant so much to him and reminisced at bit. People have reached out to me. I've even gotten a video of a friend telling a story of Bryce. He was referred to as a legend. He really was a legend. I might be really, really funky today, but that's because Bryce was just epic. Epic people leave holes. I have amazing people that love me through this, but some holes can never be filled. I wish I could see him one more time. I wish my boys could get one more hug. I wish we could hear his voice one more time. I hope he knows that we love him.
