This time around, I've have even more people saying "But how are YOU?" That's a tough one. I'm sure you've heard me mention Julie Koch Lyons before. She became a young angel when melanoma finally took over. I have contacted Brendan a few times during this process. Although he & I weren't ever extremely close, he reached out to me when we started this and told me that he can answer any and all questions from the caretaker/spouse side of things. The day we got the news that cancer was in Bryce's bones, I sent Brendan a really random facebook message asking "At any point in Julie's battle, did you know that she was going to die?" I asked this because from my perspective, they NEVER gave up. They always had faith. They lived with hope constantly. Basically, his reply was that they always had hope. Even when circumstances seemed like they weren't going her way, they still loved God and held on to the hope that there was something out there that would pull her through.
The next day, we met with the surgeon again to go over the CT scan results. Bryce bravely sat in front of them and said that he was willing to do anything, ANYTHING, to get rid of this. He may have gave up before his surgery this past December, but he's not going to do that again. When he and I were talking later, he told me that he knew what it felt like to live hopeless and he wasn't ever going to that place again. I cried. Tears that came from joy, sadness, confusion, all of it, but mostly joy. Once he told the doctors that his goal was to get to 40 years old and he was going to fight like hell, we all let out a collective sigh and Dr. P said "OK. Good. Let's do this!" And the doctors appointments started up again.
He's in Houston currently for many appointments. We thought it would be yesterday & today. However, as his secretary and scheduler, the phone calls have stated that he'll be there tomorrow for more appointments. I'm getting calls from PA's & doctors that are busting their tails to fix my husband. All he's ever wanted is to get the cancer OUT. It looks like they are going to try for that again. It means another surgery. This will be the worst of the worst. But what if it cures him? Doesn't that make it the best?
So..... how am I? I have good days. The days where life continues on like normal. I get the kids to where they need to be. I do laundry, cook dinner, run errands, fiddly dee. Then there's bad days. 2 days I didn't want to get out of bed and I cried all day while the kids were at school. But I am clinging to hope and grasping on to my faith. Honestly, how do people without faith get through these situations? I saw this picture on facebook and thought that it basically nailed it. Somedays, I'm not feeling the badassery. Other days? Bring it on! The day I sent that message to Brendan, I felt weak and completely overwhelmed. He said some really amazing things to help me feel better. He even helped override the feelings of guilt for ever asking the question to begin with.
For the past couple of weeks (or however long it's been since we got more crappy news), I thought a lot about faith and hope.
hope
hōp/
noun
- 1.a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
But faith.... oh man.... FAITH!!!!!!
Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a being, object, living organism, deity, view, or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion.
Of course, I desire (feel hopeful) that he'll be cured. But if I rely on my faith in God, by definition, I can feel confident that God is helping us through this battle. It's even written in the Bible!!!!
Hebrews 11:1~Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
How beautiful is that?!?!? All God needed to hear from Bryce was that he would do anything to fight. Bryce begged his surgeons to give him a chance. Bryce has hope. He let the doctors hear it in his voice and this surgery is now possible. Hope opens doors, people!!!!
I may have some bad days. I may cry. Some days, I'll cry more than others. Sometimes, there will be tears and laughter in the same moment. But I am so thankful that my faith and hope will get me through this. It will do the same for my beautiful husband.
Additionally, if you see me moping, you have my permission to yell at me, "SUCK IT UP, NANCY!" That's what I always tell me boys. And they seem to be totally well adjusted little people.
