Anniversaries: Good Ones & Bad Ones

It happened.  D-Day II came and went.  March the 4th will just never be the same for me.  There were quite a few sweet friends & family members that remembered the day and sent sweet thoughts, messages and even a poem my way.  We remembered the day by going to Buffalo Wild Wings, because Bryce loved it.

Many people said to remember him fondly and celebrate his life.  I do that nearly every day.  Some days come and there's sadness surrounding them.  But for the most part, I remember him and celebrate him all of the time.  D-Day is just different.  I remember the way he died in very vivid detail.  I remember where I was at different times of the day.  I remember that morning getting really bad news and thinking I would find a new way to heal him.  By the end of the day, he was with his maker.

Then there's today.  On March 6th, one year ago, I started my new job at Dell.  It's been a whirlwind.  It's been hard.  It's been fun.  It's been challenging.  It's been exhilarating.  I am surround by intelligent, wonderful people that are happy for my success.  It makes me want to do even better and learn even more.

I mostly wanted to write today to remember both of those events.  Even though I was completely funky on Sunday, I am also really happy about the fact that Bryce would be thrilled for me today.  He would have taken us all to eat as a family to the hibatchi grill or made me a wonderful meal.  He was always looking for a good excuse to eat delicious food.

We're coming into a very busy season with 2 kids in 2 sports each.  Bowen is running track and playing baseball.  AJ is working towards his 2nd degree black belt and playing volleyball.  I am helping to coach the volleyball team.  Oh.... and work is about to kick into high gear planning for some big events.  I may not be able to write much, but I wanted to get the anniversary blog out of the way.  Now I can go on being happy again.

So.... I say all of that to leave you with this beautiful gem of a photo that Keith Mayhew took a year ago.  Hilarious!!!  Everyone also say happy birthday to Keiffy.  He has his big day in a couple of days.

It's the New Style.... 4 & 3 & 2 & 1

I'm not sure if anyone is aware, but I haven't written in 10 months.  The last post was the one year anniversary of Bryce's death.  So many things have happened in 10 months, I couldn't begin to cover it in a single blog post.  I would like to address why I haven't written, however.

• I have a new job that keeps me VERY busy
• I have 2 boys that keep me VERY busy
• I'm a single mom
• In my downtime, I like to enjoy life with friends and family
• The rest of the time, I rest and enjoy any slice of quiet I can find
• Lastly..... guilt.

Let me explain the guilt.  Perhaps, that's not even the right word for it.  Perhaps, fear is what's holding me back.  Here's the deal.  I have a new boyfriend.  Actually, he's not that new.  We've been dating for 9 months.  Yup!  For the people doing the math, that's about 1 month after the 1 year mark for Bryce's death.  I haven't written because of the people that may not understand why I'm dating someone new.  Mostly, I/we get tons of support.  But I don't write, because I'll be writing about Kyle, too.  Who will that offend?  Who will unleash on me or him simply because I am a widow?  Will someone mutter ugly words to my children with their outrageous opinions of my relationship status?

MONTHS ago, my boss sent me a blog about a widows rage.  I finally read it today.  Why today?  Who knows.  She also referenced two other blogs: Sit Down & Shut Up and Loving 2 Men.  I beg you to read them, because they all say what I've been mumbling all along.  If you are married or single.... no wait, let me reword that..... If you have never lost your spouse, then you don't get an opinion on my love life mine was decimated.  That doesn't just go for me.  You don't get to have an opinion on ANY widows love life.  Until you can tell me when you lost your spouse, then you. don't. know.

Reading the words of other brave souls today helped me release something I've been holding on to for so long.  I was angry and agreeable at the same time.  I cried while reading them.  Maybe I cried, because I have walked in their shoes.  Maybe, it was because I miss Bryce still and Christmas Day was VERY hard for me.  And maybe, just maybe, I cried because I haven't allowed myself to express to the world what it feels like to be a widow that is dating again.  Clearly, I'm not the first blogger that wants to write through a spouses sickness, then the death of a husband.  I won't be the last to write my experience as a widow.  However, I will change my path forward.

I. Will. Not. Be. Ashamed. Of. My. Life.

My life.  My choices.

Don't get me wrong.  I will fail.  I will do wrong.  I will get up, dust myself off and try again.  And I have a God that allows me to do that.  I will continually get up and try to be better daily.  Was I knocked down?  yup.  The fact that I got up and put myself out there again IS OK!!!!  On the other hand, I never needed anyone's approval or permission either.

I WANT to write.  I want to tell you all of the details of my first summer water park trip with my kids after Bryce's death and my wreck.  I can't remember the last time we'd done something cool, but I know it was before Bryce died.  And Kyle was there for it.

I WANT to write about how weird it was to say I had a boyfriend.

I WANT to write about how we planted Bryce's tree from his ashes.  Kyle helped me.

I WANT to write that I still love Bryce, of course, but my heart grew and I love Kyle, too.

I WANT to tell the world how amazing Kyle is and how supportive and understanding he is about my constant grief and love for my husband that is no longer in this world.

and I will.

World,

Meet Kyle.  He's my "new" guy.  I still love Bryce.  If you have issues, please read the MUCH harsher words from other widow(er)s in the blog links above.  I will not hold back on writing about my life, which includes him.  I will be me and that involves him and his family, too.

He is good to me and my boys.  He loves God.  He works hard.  He's incredibly sweet.  He's funny.  He thinks I'm funny.  He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.  and he loves me.

Sincerely,

Bryce's Widow AND Kyle's Girlfriend

P.S.  this was my Scarlett O'Hara stubborn streak coming out