Have you ever loved something so hard your heart might explode?
Have you ever lost something or someone and thought you might implode?
Have you ever heard of someone experiencing a loss and wondered what to do?
Have you ever uttered the words, "I can't imagine that kind of pain"?
I have. I have done all of those things. I've told so many people that grief looks different for everyone. Each type of grief looks different. When I met Kyle, we bonded over grief. He would ask me questions about whether or not it was OK to feel or do certain things while he was fresh in his grief after losing his sister. Then he would follow that up by saying, "I know my pain isn't as bad as you losing your husband, but...." I always corrected him.
He lost a sister. I had lost my husband. He lost someone that he had known his entire life. I had lost someone that I was planning to spend my life with. I lost someone that I had created lives with. It's like comparing an arm and a leg. It's completely different; both are terrible losses. That loss is extremely terrible when the person is young.
Today, I learned of someone passing. It's hard not to call her a child because I watched her grow from a child into a beautiful young woman. She had just graduated from high school with my oldest son. She was truly one of a kind. She had her entire life ahead of her. She was JUST getting started.
Have you ever known someone that made such an impact that an entire community is rocked by her loss?
Have you ever lost someone and wondered or screamed, "WHY?!?!?!?!!!!"
Have you ever watched everyone around you doing the same?
While I've said that there are many different kinds of grief and none of them should be compared, I will say that the loss of a child has to be the worst. I haven't had that, but I have feared it. I especially fear it at this moment when I know that my child is about to go off into the world on his own. Now my friend is completely submersed in my worst fear.
Because I have been through loss, people have come to me and asked the question, "What do I say?" Trust me when I say this... I have heard some STUPID things and been very angry. What I always tell people is that you should never tell a person how to grieve. I didn't want articles. I didn't need to hear words of advice. I actually vocalized it to a random friend of a friend whose aunt's best friends said that I should do BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. My response wasn't kind, but I'd had enough. It was clear when I said, "Oh really?! When was the last time you lost your husband?"
It probably wasn't my classiest move, but I couldn't hear another tidbit about what I SHOULD be doing. Yet, here I am wondering what to do or say to my friend. I loved her baby, too. I have so many wonderful memories of this beautiful girl. I am shredded again when I think of her little brother and sister. I am unbearably sad for her parents. I'm looking around at every other person she and her family have touched and we are all shook.
I have been writing my son's goodbye post for a year in my head. My thank you's to the people we've done life with. The incredible sadness of the slowest breakup I've ever gone through. My oldest baby. My firstborn son. My year of "lasts" with him all in some silly blog on this page will never convey what I have been experiencing for a year. So much of this sadness was the result of me thinking about how his dad wasn't able to be with him for these things.
Today, it all feels really damn insignificant in the incomparable loss of this precious child's life. So, I guess I'm writing to say that you shouldn't say anything stupid to a grieving mother. You do not know her pain. Instead, sit with her when she's ready for it. Let her cry. Let her laugh. Feed her. Hug her. Let her scream. Just let her be and you need to be respectful of that.
Lastly, you don't know the story. One day, you might get details. But if you don't, who cares?! It's none of your business anyways. Be the support system the family and friends need. We need to love each other. We need to kiss our babies and say "I love you" every day. We need to send them prayers and cover them with love for the rest of their lives. Because at the end of the day...
Have you ever lost a child?
