A while back... maybe 2013... Bryce's childhood bestie, Robby, got married in Grand Cayman. Of course we went. Bryce was the best man. We said "No matter the cost, we're going. This is a once in a life time trip!"
At that time, Bryce had already experienced the original tumor. It was during that trip that he knew something was wrong again. Sure enough, when we got home, it was confirmed. Tumor #2 had arrived. It made going to that wedding that much more special.
When Bryce died, we knew there was another destination wedding coming up. We just couldn't plan for that; he was way too sick. He told me that I could go (uhm... yeah right), but my place was with him. Anyhow, someone that may wish to remain a secret decided I was going to go to Jamaica, if I wanted to. I said yes. Who wouldn't?!
The date is now upon us. So Monday, I freaked out, cried all day, wished I could back out. Here's the deal, I don't travel well. I hate to fly. When we went to Cayman, I made Bryce draw up wills. As the day got closer, I flipped out and wondered why we were on the same planes. If we'd flown separately, our boys would at least have one of us. Bryce knows that I just need a little bit of a medical assistance to relax. No big deal, he'd get me there, get me off of the plane, on to another plane, feed me along the way. He'd hold my hand. He'd make fun of me when I got a little out of control. No matter what, he'd take care of me. Monday, all of the terrible pre-flight things went through my head:
Why am I getting on a plane?!
My kids need me here, not at the bottom of an ocean.
I'm all they have left, this is so irresponsible.
I have too much work to get done. I'll never get it done in time.
But most of all..... I miss Bryce. My travel companion. My safety net. My lover. My friend that I laugh with the most. The one I can reminisce with later about the things we did. My everything.
So, I cried about all of those things. And while I was in the middle of fully freaking out, my buddy, Keith, said to me {in a very sad voice} while trying to console me, "Man..... that really sucks. You have to go to Jamaica."
That, my friends, is what you call perspective.
There have been tiny pieces of time that I feel like Bryce has been talking to me in the last couple of days. The bottom line is that I'm at the airport. I'm having to start life all over again. This is just going to be another trip of a lifetime. My new lifetime.
I can't wait to see our friends get married. I watched this love blossom at the very beginning. I can't wait to watch them say they want to be each others everything too.... FOREVER!
I might cry the whole time I'm on the plane. My brother says that I might cry the whole time I'm in Jamaica, but at least I'm crying in Jamaica. I will get to see some of B's closest people for the first time since his service. I think that seeing them during such a special occasion will be pretty great too.
Here's some promises:
I will miss my boys immensely and I plan to video chat with them every day.
I will enjoy myself and recharge.... for myself and my boys.
I will start the last blog post on Bryce's blog to tell the story of his final hours.
I will watch Stella got her Groove Back on my flights over the ocean.
I will take lots of naps!
With that, I'm going to sign off. And maybe nap.
