About a month ago, I basically became the most awful person to be around. About a week into being this evil monster, I was driving down the road when I heard Drowning by Chris Young for the first time. I was undone. Completely undone. I did, however, try to be kind enough to myself to say "Self, this is why you're unbearable right now." Most of the time, I can snap out of it when the reminder pops up. This year has been different.
This could also be the result of some very, VERY trying times with my teenagers and Kyle's tween. Either way, I don't particularly enjoy being a terrible person to be around. I always tell my kids that they could "choose joy" or they "have the power to determine their own happiness." My particular favorite is to use "the power of positivity." The best part about using that last line is that Bowen was the one to teach us about that power. I use it on him the most.
So, here it is. Another D-day. I haven't been positive for a month. My prayers are full of prayers for people that are suffering. Don't get me wrong. I do thank Him for the things that I have. I am praying for other things and people. It's just that there's so much pain right now. Deer Park High School class of 95 lost a truly wonderful soul. Gil Co, you were one of a kind. The family that I met Bryce through lost ANOTHER sibling and son. I loved Joe dearly. My friend here in Lago suffering through breast cancer. Nik, God is a healer. Rich, praying for your strength while your wife needs you the most. These three are just the tip of the iceberg.
Maybe I've been such a wreck because of all of it. Maybe I've been just a mess because I am so dang tired. Tired makes me weepy. Tired also makes me angry. No one likes being around emotional bears. The people closest to me just couldn't get a good read. No one really knew what version of Jessica they were about to receive. That's a scary place to be. for them.
Naturally, D-day arrives and things feel like they can go back to normal. It was really nice to wake up to the sound of thunder and rain pouring down. It was an external picture of what was going on in my heart. It's also cleansing. It's an external picture of everything being washed away. A normal way of life will still be messy for now with the kids sports schedules, but my head space is perhaps going to level out.
I also made the decision to remember this day in a different way. I couldn't figure out exactly what I wanted that to look like until this morning. Bryce and I started doing the traditional wedding gifts in year 4. That year was leather. This was also the year that Bryce went from being a TERRIBLE gift finder to kicking my tail every single year in the anniversary gift game.
This being year 4, I thought about buying something leather. However, I also want to marry Kyle someday and I would like to carry on the traditional wedding gifts with him. I googled what the modern gifts were. They're boring, by the way. I am not interested in honoring Bryce's first day in heaven with an appliance. The irony here, is that I will have a new double oven and microwave delivered this week.
Anyhow, while google searching, I discovered that leather may have been year 3, not year 4. I also discovered that there are different stones, gems and colors for anniversaries, too. So that's it. I don't need a new topaz ring, but what I can do is collect things. Fake rocks that symbolize a rare stone. Rocks that are similar or the same color. I have a glass bowl that we received as a wedding bowl. I have been trying to decide what to do with it since the potpourri lost it's stink AGES ago. This is it. I'm searching for rocks, gems and colors.
February may look like a mess for me. In other words, I will be a mess for some or all of February. March, even though it's a crazy time for our family, can be filled with stones and color and memories. I hold a stone, pray over it. I can hold these things and pray for the suffering that it happening all around me. Around ALL of us. Once it's been prayed over, I can put them in my beautiful bowl knowing that all of these things are out of my hands. Let's face it. I never had control of them to begin with.
