Therapy for Cancer

It doesn't matter that Bryce has had cancer for three and a half years.  It doesn't matter that we feel like seasoned vets at the time of surgery.  At some point, you start to crack.  Whelp, cracking has been happening all week.  I've been running around with my crazy hanging out and can't seem to get it tucked back in.  Bryce's brother, David, flew in on Monday to help us.  I had no idea what I needed help with until he was here.  THEN he was put to serious work.  Helped run boys around while we had appointments here and there.  Cooked us dinner while we were running around.  My wonderful sister-in-law, Ginny, sent him happily and told me to make to-do lists for him.  A-N-D it's their anniversary today.

Poor David got to see how nuts I really can be.  I had a very hard time keeping it together.  Bryce and I have the boys at a wonderful place called Wonders and Worries to counsel the boys through this process.  It is great for them AND free!!!!!  While we met with her the first time, she asked "What about you guys?"  We told her we were overdue.  She set us up with a counselor of our own that is paid for through Flatwater Foundation.  The boys have gone 3 times and we have gone 3 times.  We checked in Wednesday.  I feel like we did some real work too.  Here's what I got out of that:

I can't plan or schedule or control cancer.  It's pointless to try.  

Novel concept, eh?

I've been driving myself and everyone else around me absolutely nuts.  I've been awful.  Turns out, I can't control everything.  I should, in fact, learn how to be flexible.  *sigh*  So that's been the new goal.  Mission: Be Flexible

Early in the week, I just thought that I was a seasoned vet at this hospital stay stuff and I know EXACTLY what I need.  Then I'd find myself thinking THE dumbest stuff.

Ex.)  I get embarrassed when I have to use the facilities (if ya know what I mean) in his hospital room.  As soon as I'm finished, inevitably, his team of people walk in.  Solution:  Pack my scentsy room spray.  I thought I was a genius for thinking of bringing this stuff.  N

Farting Unicorn Sock Club: Dr. P, PA Monica & me

ow I'm mostly embarrassed that this is really what I was thinking of when I just needed to relax.

Here's the good news.  We all made it out alright.  Bryce is officially finished with his surgery and I'm waiting for him to wake up so they'll let me see him.  The surgery went about like they said it would.  There will be more news about that.  Knowing that I have so many people that have pitched in to help take care of us is awesome.  I am SOOOOO grateful.  Lastly, I wanted to add what I wrote on Bryce's blog earlier, just in case that was missed.

I'm putting on my most polite voice possible.  I LOVE that we are loved and supported.  I know that many people want to see him to show us love support.  Here are my requests though.  It will be our immediate families only through Sunday.  I'm sorry.  We have a big family and I will be trying to figure out when he likes to nap.  I want him getting rest.  LOTS of rest.  My second request is that visits are scheduled by myself.  Please text me and we will get you up here.  As much as we'd LOVE to throw a party and lift up my guy with praises and prayers, the rooms aren't very big.  And he needs to sneak in some naps during the day.  Again, I can't put into words how awestruck and moved we are by the well wishes, thoughts, love and prayers.  And having to put restrictions on people showing us some love feels very weird.  But it's best for him.  And the nurses.  The nurses get annoyed when we start getting rowdy and crowded in their work space :)  There's a part of me that delights in that.

I'm signing off and I doubt I'll be very available until I can get us tucked into our room.  I'm anxiously waiting to see my husband.  I want to kiss him.  I want him to be done with this stuff.  I Want cancer to go away.  I want all of these things.  I won't schedule them.  I'm going to try to be flexible.  

The Fear and Loathing

I haven't written in forever.  I think there are a couple of reasons for that.  We've been incredibly busy.  Baseball, chemo appointments, kidney stones and pulling a few shifts at the local coffee shop can eat away at your spare time.  But today, especially this morning, I've got nothing.  Bryce and I drove into Houston last night for some pre-op appointments.  This morning, I'm sitting in a room while he gets tests and scans run for a couple of hours.

Another reason I haven't written:  Anger.
And it's ugly.

I've said through this whole journey that I'm not angry.  I'd like to be, but I have no one to blame.  I don't have anything to be angry AT.  I've also said that anger is a masked emotion.  Anger is actually covering up another emotion.  It's easier to be angry than to show sadness, weakness, or in my case, fear.

Bryce and I don't like to think about the surgery that he's about to go through.  But I do know that over the past few months, I've become an angry person.  With each new recurrence, it gets worse.  I don't wear anger well.  I can blame it on lots of things.  In reality, I'm angry because I'm terrified.  I hate cancer.  I hate what it is doing to Bryce.  And in turn, what it's doing to me.

I want to blame cancer for everything now.  Cancer made me depressed.  Cancer made me fat.  Cancer made me angry.  No.  PISSED OFF!!!!!  But what it's really done is make me scared.  It makes me question too many decisions that Bryce and I have to make.  The conversations that we have are things that scare me so much that I want to throw up.

Then there's the part we're dealing with today.  Today he's getting all of his scans.  No big deal, right?
But tomorrow we get to hear the results.  Has the chemo worked?  Is there any shrinkage in the tumor?  Did it grow?  or worse......  Is there cancer anywhere else?  I LOATHE waiting to hear that part.  It's less than 24 hours away and I already can't stand that I have to wait that long.

But that's where we are.  The fear and loathing of cancer.