Dark Days

I'm going to write this.  Not because I want pity.  Not because I need anyone to feel sorry for me.  This one is going to be a version of therapy.  Even though we are getting therapy, I'm still losing my mind.

You know what sucks about cancer?  It's a destroyer.  Not just on a cellular level.  Because killing a person from the inside out, cell by cell, isn't enough for cancer.  Nope.  It's takes a hold of things outside of cells too.  It sneaks into your mind and emotions.  Through said mind and emotions, it slowly works on decaying your faith, your hope, your relationships.  Your ability to handle everyday things is shot.  A normal conversation about a child's Christmas party turns into something ugly.  Cancer is eating at my husbands cells and is destroying the emotional capacity to handle life.

We both go see what we call our Cancer Counselor.  She is awesome.  We love her very much.  She's down to earth and matter of fact with us.  She speaks to us in a way that we can relate to and understand.  We are able to take away lessons from our sessions with her.

The kids have gone to a place called Wonders and Worries.  They're FANTASTIC.  But, they need more.  We know that.  And we'll get them in with our Cancer Counselor pretty soon for individual sessions as soon as we can figure our lives out.

More recently, Bryce and I discussed the possibility of anxiety meds for me.  It's hard to be productive when you wake up with your chest pounding a couple of times a night, a couple of days in a row, or a couple of days in a week.  Therefore, I'm now seeing a psychiatrist.  I call her my crazy doctor.  She's not crazy.  She's just helping me to not be.  Nearly 4 years of dealing cancer without the assistance of something from a bottle came to an end for me.  I'm now taking "chill pills."

Our church and framily.  These people that surround us by blood or the blood of Christ bring more sanity to our insane situation than we deserve.  I know why we are in Lago now.  It's to be raising our boys in this community of people that love unconditionally.  There is not a single thing I can do to ever fully thank all of these people for what they have brought into our lives.

All of that is to say that there are resources and we are going and using them.  Yesterday at a med check appointment with my crazy doctor, she told me that she is validating my selfishness.  It's OK to feel and be selfish sometimes.  It's the feeling guilty about it that I need to let go of.  Hey.... I was raised southern Baptist.  We know all about guilt.  She also told me to see the goodness in things that might be annoying me.  Ex)  I have to go to the grocery store after I've been at work all day.  Think of it as my mental break.  I get to walk around the store with out co-workers or kids asking anything of me.

Even with all of the resources in the world.  Even with the countless amount of supporters, friends, kind words, prayers and offers to help us.  Even with all of that, I will have dark days.  I had a breaking point last weekend.  I spent Sunday in tears.  I guess I needed that to brace for the impact of the biopsy results on Wednesday.  When I heard that he had cancer, I was at work.  It honestly didn't even register as a speed bump at that moment.  And this week was already happening..... Christmas parties, making dishes, bringing gift exchanges for kids, attending programs, packing bags, wrapping presents.  It's not anything that everyone isn't dealing with.  All of those things are happening to everyone in town right now.  My life isn't any different that anyone else's.  I go to work.  I have the luxury of my husband being at home to handle all of the kid stuff.  Except that husband has cancer.  that's not a luxury.

That husband is currently terrified to be around large groups of people.  That husband is so afraid that the worst is just around the corner.  That husband cried with his young boys while he explained what to do should they find him dead or unconscious.  That husband is doing everything he can to hold it together.  That husband is mine.  That husband is my rock.  That husband is the one that picked up the pieces of me this weekend and told me to get in the shower.  That husband doesn't deserve this.

He also doesn't deserve to get yelled at by his crazy wife.  I was a total $h!+ storm this morning.  I will admit it.  I'll also admit that I'm a thrower.  When I'm angry, I might throw something.  He's only seen it twice in our relationship.  And only after cancer happened.   So to be fair, cancer started it.
I'll also admit that I didn't have anything to throw this morning in the middle of my $h!+ storm.  There's now a hole in the wall near my sink.  I'm not proud.  And once again, my husband picked up the pieces.  We've hit a place where we're both terrified.  We can hold each other and just cry.

Bryce, I'm sorry for acting like a complete fool this morning.  But like my crazy doctor told me yesterday...... find the good in things.  We shared a special hug this morning.  So many married couples wouldn't have made it through the things we have.  I held you and cried with you this morning because I love you so much it hurts sometimes.  And just in case my crazy doctor's words don't hit home..... in the words of April from Hot Tub Time Machine, "You have to embrace the chaos.  You have to; that way, life might just astonish you."

Confirmation

This is going to be another quick one.  I'm at work, and this is the easiest way to tell everyone.  It also helps me to to NOT talk about cancer ALL of the time with every single person we know.  It feels like that is all I ever talk about anymore.  If I tell you all here, then maybe we can talk about anything else when I see you face to face.

So the results are in.  Cancer is back.  Same stuff..... squamous cell carcinoma.  It's in his neck.  Although the area that was infection turned out to be not cancer busting out of Bryce, it is very near that.  We have actually been able to watch this thing grow lately.  We both knew that's what it was.  As hopeful as I was for it all to be just an awful infection, it became painfully obvious over the past week that it wouldn't be the case.

Next steps:  He is currently sitting at Dr. Y's office in Austin getting an EKG, blood work, etc done and meeting with the researchers to start the trail up here.  Pray this stuff works because I'm tired.  And as tired as I am of cancer, it's even worse for him.

We'll have more news soon, but that's what's going on.

Updates in the Great Stobbma Drama of Winter 2015

Bryce is a neck breather.  He has a hole in his neck where he breathes.  That hole is called a stoma.  Bryce has taken to calling it his Stobbma.

Another quick update because I am at work, but I've had many, many inquiries as to how Bryce is doing.  Sorry for not updating, there just wasn't much to say until Sunday.  Then, we knew he had an appointment with Dr. Y here in Austin today.

Back to the really, really bad infection.  We knew it was there and they ramped up his antibiotics to something stronger last Wednesday.  Bryce slept a LOT last week.  He just didn't feel good.  There wasn't much improvement last week in this thing either.  For a man that can't feel his neck, he was actually in pain.  Things in his chest and shoulder from front to back hurt.  What little bit of his left collar bone is left hurt him to touch it.  He's been emailing daily updates to Dr. P in Houston with gross pictures and all.  Friday his email asked "What do I need to look for that will send me to a hospital?"  It's been kinda scary, to say the least.

Then when he was....  uhmmmm... let's see if I can keep this clean and not gross....  He woke up in the middle of the night after going to bed Friday night and was clearing out some of the infection.  When that happened, he noticed that one of the metal pins/markers came out of this wound.  Makes me wonder if that's what caused this infection all along.  After that came out, this thing started to look better.  Sunday morning, he turned a corner and started to feel better than he had in a week.

Today, he went to see Dr. Y and the results of the culture show staph.  So now we know that much.  While he was there, he started the process of signing up for the clinical trial that Dr. Y will have going.  I don't know much about that yet and I'm sure I'll find out soon.  Right after he was done there, MD Anderson called me to say that they've scheduled the CT guided biopsy for Friday.  He'll have to go down for evaluation Thursday and he will get the biopsy Friday.

I do not know when he'll get the results of that.  We will certainly let everyone know.  In the meantime.....

Be faithful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer ~Romans 12:12
PRAY! FIGHT!! WIN!!!

I'll take infection for $1000, Alex!

This is going to be blunt, but a LOT has been happening since we learned about a spot on a CT scan 2 weeks ago.

Because they see this thing on a CT scan, they have to confirm that it's cancer cells with a biopsy.  He had an appointment last Wednesday for an ultrasound guided biopsy.  Since we were already going to be in Houston for Thanksgiving the next day, we all loaded up and went to his appointment on the way to my moms house.  We were there for 2 hours, but they never were able to see anything with the ultrasound.  Therefore, no biopsy.  They weren't going to blinded gab a needle into his neck to find a small grape sized tumor that is centimeters away from his carotid artery.

As we were leaving, I looked at Bryce and said "I'm not allowed to get excited about this, am I..... "
He said "No, but it does feel good, huh?"

And it did.  Then, we went to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving.  Saw friends the next day.  Spending time with friends and family felt really good.  But Bryce wasn't himself.  Just laid around a bunch.  We came home Saturday.  Sunday was fine.  Monday, he said that he felt really crummy and had a fever.  He was basically useless all day.  He tried to sleep it off, but he just couldn't shake it.  He fell asleep on the couch, but woke me up at 1:30 in the morning.  TERRIFIED.  He thinks that cancer is breaking the surface near his stoma.  For someone that is a neck breather, having an open wound right next to the area where you breathe is a very scary thing.

I get up with him.  This thing is gross.  I will save you all of the gory details, but believe me when I say Guh-ROSS!  I take pictures and send them to his surgeon and her PA.  Then we try to go back to sleep.  It took a couple of hours, but we managed.  We get the reply from Dr. P and she says what we're scared of.  She thinks that cancer is busting at the seams.  So we got the kids to school and headed for MD Anderson in Houston while her PA was working on getting us appointments.  By the time we got there, things were set.

1:00 - Wound Care - We learned how to keep this thing clean and whatever.  But she tells us what we already knew.  There is infection.  She packs us up some supplies and sends us on our way.
3:00 - Dr. P - She again says that she's afraid that this is cancer coming out of his neck.  She takes a biopsy of the area since we couldn't get one with an ultrasound.  Writes a prescription for antibiotics and pain medicine.  Tells Bryce to start chemo STAT and find a trail to get on ASAP.

We came home kind of in the dumps.  I got the script filled for stuff and he started it that night (Tuesday).  Yesterday, he woke up with this thing looking WAYYYYYYYY less angry.  After just 1 antibiotic.  So I got to thinking.  What if all of this is just an infection.  So I started praying for this specifically.  Then I got to thinking a little more.  Can a really, REALLY bad infection look like a tumor on a CT scan?  So I started praying really, REALLY hard for that.

Yesterday, we get the email from Dr. P that the biopsy shows only inflammation.  Prayer Request #1 has been answered.  It doesn't appear to be cancer crawling out of his body.  So, that's kind of where we are today.  We've emailed her 2 pictures of this nasty thing each morning; yesterday and today.  There hasn't been much change in this thing from yesterday to today.  But it is way better than when it appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the night.  She is going to put him on a stronger antibiotic.  That was called in this morning.  She has told us to hold off on chemo.  Bryce will see his oncologist here in Austin tomorrow morning.  Dr. P is going to call him today to order a culture of this thing.  Meanwhile, she's trying to figure out how to get a biopsy of this spot underneath.

So, here's what I'm praying SOOOOO hard for.  What if..... just WHAT IF..... the spot they see in the CT scan is infection?  What if his cancer isn't there at all?  I can honestly say that I've never prayed for an infection before, but I'm doing it this week.

****Please excuse any typos.  I have thrown this all down with no proof reading so that I can get back to work.****