The things we do to avoid doing what we need to is just silly. At least it is for me. I NEED to be packing & doing laundry to go to Houston. But.... I'm having coffee & writing a blog.
This weird range of emotions will NOT stop. It's actually been that way for a couple of weeks. Last week, Bryce was in bed. The way the chemo works on him was kind of delayed, I guess? The same thing happened when we went to Disney. He got the big 3 drug cocktail of chemo & was ok for almost a week. Then just as he's walking in the door for the 1 drug the next week, he's starting to feel bad. He gets that one the next Tuesday & BOOM! Man Down. The last post I said he wasn't bed ridden & was doing fine. I spoke too soon. I was literally bringing him lunch in bed just to make sure he was still eating. By Saturday a week ago the fog was starting to lift. And now he's fine again. He got the last dose of chemo this past Tuesday & handled that very well. He's been back at work again & eating great.
But there is this weird thing hanging over our heads. The tests & scans are coming up.... now what? Want to make plans to do something in December... not possible. Wait until the scans happen. Hurry up & wait. We've sort of talked about a few things here & there. Whether he should have the surgery or not. What is the percentage or the fact that we need to hear to say "OK! Do it!"? The answer is that there is no answer. That number doesn't exist. The fact we are looking for is a doctor saying that he doesn't have cancer. THAT'S ultimately what we want to hear. But we also know that the likelihood of hearing that news is pretty small. I lack motivation because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what they will see. I'm afraid of what they will tell him. If I could make it just stop and never have to deal with cancer again, I would, I would give anything of myself to make his cancer go away.
The fact that I'm drinking coffee instead of packing a bag is my little act of defiance. I talked to his mom for over an hour this morning. We talked about the things that need to be handled with the boys while I'm gone with Bryce. Then we got on the topic of what is going to happen. I told her that he is giving serious consideration to not doing the surgery. That was actually a huge relief to know that she supports that decision too. She also said that she will support whatever decision he makes. Ultimately, it is his decision. So I had to tell him. I'm not sure that I had.
What if his motivation to have this surgery was because he thinks his wife and his mother want him to? What if he resents us forever because his quality of life is changed forever? Or worse..... what if he doesn't wake up? I could never live with him resenting me for something he never wanted. And I damn sure could never live with myself if I lost him to a surgery that he never wanted. His motivation needs to be his own. This is his body. This is his life. I called him to tell him that I don't want this surgery any more that he does. But whatever he decides is OK!!!!!!!
So..... THAT is my motivation today. I will sign off & go get laundry done. I will pack our bags so that we can leave without feeling rushed. And I will sit with him. Love him. Support him. Whatever decision he makes, I will agree with it. I will get it together today, so that I can be the last thing he has to worry about. Pray for Bryce. Not just for healing, but for wisdom & guidance. Whether we're motivated to make a tough decision or not, it's looming. It has to be made. So do the beds...... gotta go!
