Pollyanna V. Disney's Divas of Darkness

If Disney were to come up with a movie about Bryce's cancer, I'm not sure how I would be portrayed.  On most days, I'm fine.  I see the bright side of things.  I make jokes about Polly Sunshining my way through his cancer struggle.  I know it's his body that has cancer, but the caregiver deals with plenty too.  The past couple of weeks have been rough on us as a couple.  Today was rough on me as a caregiver.

My inner Pollyanna got up and left the room.  In her wake, the Disney Divas walked in.  I couldn't quite decide if it was Ursela, Maleficent or Lady Tremaine that took over or if it was the best and worst of all three.

I'd say "poor Bryce", but the divas are still lurking inside.  And you know what?!  Maybe that's OK!

He got really mad today.  He had EVERY right to be!!!!  To learn more about that, please see this.

There is a really fine line between being your husbands sounding board and their punching bag (not literally.... this is quite the opposite of a Ray Rice situation).  And this morning, I had dealt with enough of the wrong side of that line.  I literally walked out of his room with no explanation or words.  I just walked out.  I wasn't proud of myself, but I did it.

Then I decided that it's ok.  I left him in a nurses hands.  They're professionally prepared to deal with the angry patients of the world.  I, however, am not emotionally prepared to deal with an angry husband that happens to be a patient too.  That's the key to it all, right?  If I emotionally disconnect to be the caregiver, then I'm no longer working on my relationship as a wife.  If I concentrate only on being a wife and forget the needs he will have from a caregiver, then he will become beyond frustrated with me then, too.

I have researched a few things this evening.  I decided that Google needed to lead me to God who needed to lead me to some instruction on wifely things.  You know how the self can have a conversation with.... well, its self.

Pollyanna: I need to read Proverbs 31 again.

Maleficent:  Wasn't that a dream that some MAN had?!  It's a completely unrealistic idea for some woman to behave like that!  Seriously.... it's a DREAM!!!!

Good Angel:  You sure about that?  What do you really know about 31 besides some of the words?

Lady Tremaine:  You SHUSH!

It went on like this for a while, but I'll spare you the conversations entirety.  What I do know is, in that moment, I needed some Jesus.  This is what I knew I remembered about Proverbs 31.  I knew that I wasn't presenting myself like a precious jewel.  I didn't care about wool or flax and I could have sunk the merchant ships with my tears of anger, spite and self pity.  Here's what Google needed to remind me of:  The heart of her husband trusts in her.... She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

Luckily, I got it together and I can chalk today up to another day of our life that I didn't cause him harm.  I feel like that does him good.  And I feel like he can trust me.

In all seriousness, we both got it together.  It's ok to walk away if he's in safe hands.  I need to take some breathers too.  The outcome he was looking for was found and we actually fought for that together.  It wasn't a pretty battle.  For him, for me or for the nurses.  Ultimately, Pollyanna walked back in the room.  She's not all smiles yet, but she's here again.

sorta like this......