From Out of Left Field

I was REALLY having a great day.  I have felt evil trying to take blows at me for a few days.  B-U-T, I'm in a good place and felt like God lead me to make decisions that reflect a Christian attitude instead of letting evil win.  I was in a GREAT place this morning after my prayers.

On my way to work this morning an old friend called me.  I haven't talked to him in years, but we play Words With Friends.  He made the phone call this morning and I shared how I was in a good place sooner than expected, because I'm celebrating that Bryce gets to live in heaven now.  He asked if he could pray with me before we hung up.  I had no idea that he'd become SUCH a devoted Christian.  He was always a Christian, but he's really walking the walk these days.

Don't get me wrong.  I miss Bryce so hard that I am experiencing physical side effects.  I talk to him every night begging to make me feel his hug when I dream.  I wake up at 3 in the morning with my skin irritated, because I didn't feel his hug and I toss and turn while I talk to a dark room..... all of it.  I don't just miss him.  He is missing from me.

However, I'm happy knowing that he is pain free.  I'm excited that I'm going to see Bryce again one day.  I planned his cremation and have started the process of executing Bryce's wishes.  Then, the call comes in.  Bryce's earthly body has officially become ashes.  Now I'm crying at work.  Bryce was so big and strong.  I can't seem to figure out how to process that he's been reduced to plastic baggies.  8 plastic bags of ash.

I know there will be hurdles.  I face them every day.  I definitely face them at night.  Last night, I slept.  That was HUGE!  I'm sure it's another reason why I felt so much better today.  I set up a few steps of my own.

1)  I needed to get through "Though You Slay Me" without becoming a blubbering mess in order to come back to work.  DONE!

2) I wanted to be around friends without feeling weird, including meeting new people, before I would commit to a wedding engagement in a month.  CHECK!

3)  I needed to get back to church and smile among my people before I would even consider singing in front of them as a member of the praise team.  CHECK & MATE!!

There are a few other steps I have put in place for myself.  Steps.... protection for myself and my boys.  Other steps are things that I know will help me process it all.  I will eventually (but very soon) finish his blog with what happened the day he unexpectedly died.  I think that they are all part of the process.  I need to get back to Camp Gladiator.  I'm ready.  I'm seeing my cancer counselor on Thursday.  I had been avoiding her, but I'm ready.  I just didn't anticipate feeling this way when I got the call from the crematorium.  I even emailed them this morning to see where we were at with things, because I didn't like the thought of Bryce waiting to be cremated.  So, why do my tears feel like a slap in the face?

Grief...... the never ending roller coaster.