I have felt a range of emotions over the past 11 days. I wonder if I'm feeling the right way. I wonder if this is what it's supposed to feel like. Yesterday, Bryce's mom read me the 7 stages of grief. That helped. I think it will continue to help me. I know I feel loss, but not knowing if I'm feeling it the right way makes me feel lost.Loss..... lost.
I lost him. I feel loss and lost.
Ugh.
And at other times, I'm fine.
I've been in hiding for a couple of days. Everyone, including the boys, left Saturday afternoon. It was blissfully quiet. I lounged and started a documentary. Yesterday, I decided it was time to do some adulting. I got my car to the shop. A friend had their friend come to look at some things that need to be fixed on my house. I was getting to know my new neighbors. Everything was fine. I actually smiled and laughed last night.
Then, it happened. 2:00 in the morning, I am awake with my heart pounding out of my chest. My skin hurts. I can't sleep. I can't stop moving. It's like a drug withdrawal. Bryce was my high. He's gone and I feel it hit me hard for the first time since his service.
In a moment, I'll go pick up my car. I will come home to start filling out more paperwork because my husband died. Insurance papers. Is this really my life right now? It doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right. I need to learn to forgive myself. I need to stop second guessing how I feel. I need to just be in that moment. If it's happy, be happy. If it's sad, be sad. Mostly, I need to find my way into my new life and do it in a way that honors my husband.
I'll try to not be crazy. But if you see me around and I look crazy, that's just where I'm at for the day.
All very normal. Your thoughts brought back a flood of memories. You are doing just fine. Sometimes the grief will hit you like a Mike Tyson uppercut. Other times you will laugh and then be upset about it because you feel like you are not allowed to laugh. Just remind yourself that that guilt is bullshit. You are allowed to have all range of emotions... Sad, happy, numb, hyper alert, etc.
ReplyDeleteTake care of the boys but this is going to sound weird... Take care of yourself first because you are no good to them if you are no good. And above all else... Don't check out. Stay engaged with life. Life will heal you in time. If you disengage with life it won't heal and the wound will never scab and will become infected. Mike Tyson punches will come forever but if you allow life to heal you, they won't get through your defenses and if one does every now and then their effect will become shorter lived and you will be able to punch back.
Call me anytime if needed.
Love,
Brendan.
Jessica so sorry for your loss I was a widow at 48. You will go in and out of these stages of grief. It will be hard since you have young boys. My husband had been sick for over 5 years. Take refuge that he is with the Lord and doesn't have to suffer anymore. That is what got me thru it.
ReplyDeleteYou are so beautiful, my sweet girl.
ReplyDeleteYou are so beautiful, my sweet girl.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. It has to be your way, and you can't go around it. You have to go through it. It will drown you over and over again until you learn how to swim. There aren't specific stages. One day you'll be mad, one day you'll be sad, and once you think you've accepted it, the next day you might be in shock and denial again. It's ok to laugh, and it's ok to cry in the grocery store when you see his favorite brand of green beans. It's okay to think it's all a bad dream and tomorrow you'll come home and he'll be there and be fine. You should never apologize for how you feel. Life will never be the same, but you will make it. Love you girl. Hugs hugs hugs.-Love Debi Riherd
ReplyDeleteTrust me, there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. It has to be your way, and you can't go around it. You have to go through it. It will drown you over and over again until you learn how to swim. There aren't specific stages. One day you'll be mad, one day you'll be sad, and once you think you've accepted it, the next day you might be in shock and denial again. It's ok to laugh, and it's ok to cry in the grocery store when you see his favorite brand of green beans. It's okay to think it's all a bad dream and tomorrow you'll come home and he'll be there and be fine. You should never apologize for how you feel. Life will never be the same, but you will make it. Love you girl. Hugs hugs hugs.-Love Debi Riherd
ReplyDeleteYour friends & families comments are exactly right. This is your grief, your sad time. No one should try to tell you how you should feel. Just try to do the next step, whatever that may be. You have so many who love you & have been where you are now. Seek them. Thinking of you,Gay....
ReplyDeleteYour friends & families comments are exactly right. This is your grief, your sad time. No one should try to tell you how you should feel. Just try to do the next step, whatever that may be. You have so many who love you & have been where you are now. Seek them. Thinking of you,Gay....
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