Grief in Another's Eyes

When people ask me about my grief, it usually comes in the form of questions.

"Does it ever get any better?"
"Is it OK that I feel this way after (insert any given time frame here)?"
"Does it makes sense that sometimes I feel (insert emotion here)?"

I have the same answer every time.  Grief is different for everyone and every loss is different.

I have been writing this blog in my head for months now.  I've been too busy to put it all down.  I've also wondered if it's too painful to sit down and type it all out.  This year has been a tough one.  There's covid still running rampant.  It's definitely gotten closer to home this year than when it started a year and a half ago.  Either way, painful or busy, it's time to get it out.

At the beginning of the year, we got word that Bryce's dad, Gary, was getting worse.  Multiple Systems Atrophy is a strange beast.  Soon after, Jerrie, Bryce's mom, found out that she has Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  The beginning of her treatments were terribly hard on her.  Bryce's sister and her family all dove in to help care for her and Gary.  I tried to get down there over the summer to pitch in on rides to chemo and letting them get away for a night or something..... anything!

In April, my Kyle went through terrible grief while remembering his sister's death during her birthday month.  In March, Bryce had been gone for FIVE years.  It seemed like every time we turned around we were hearing of another death, loss, something sad.  At the same time, there's other things that feel like grief, too.  My boys are getting older and needing me less.  The grieving process of them growing up and moving out is already starting.  Friendships that seem to be falling apart or just fading away.  There's grief with that, too.

When the covid business started, I went crazy before anyone else did.  I tried to keep it to myself as much as possible.  Then, I started to notice or hear about others that weren't handling it very well either.  Watching others go through it all is just as hard.  Same thing with grief.  Watching someone else go through it is hard, too.  In some ways, watching it happen to others feels hardER.  If you have any compassion at all, it just hurts.  No one enjoys watching other people in pain.  Oh... with the exception of the sociopath's I watch on the ID channel.  To see someone in the kind of pain that has been the worst pain of your life makes it worse.  It brings up memories of your own pain and all of it comes back.  ALL of it.

I'm not sure what shifted, but people became really, REALLY ugly during it all.  At one point, I was verbally assaulted during a pedicure because of my beliefs.  (I will NOT go into it all here.)  This older woman started asking me personal questions.  

Mean old lady:  Have you ever had someone you love die?
Super innocent, tiny, sweet, never say anything mean version of me:  Yes.  I lost a husband to cancer.

Mean ol' broad:  Oh.  So, it wasn't covid.  Then, you STILL don't get it.

I was SOOOOOO enraged, I nearly kicked my pedicure feet water in her face.  However, we were 6' apart, both wearing masks and I didn't want to splash Mike, my pedi guy.  Plus, he mouth and nose were protected.  All I would have ruined was her mascara.  I just ended up asking her really private, highly offensive questions in attempts to get her to shut her pie hole.  It worked.  She shut up.  When I got into my car, I just cried.  How could some stranger tell me that his death didn't matter?  Had she been widowed in her 30's with two young boys, would she have felt the same way?  It was so upsetting.  It was like she was telling me that my feelings over his life were irrelevant.  It's like she's saying that loss comes in different categories and my loss wasn't enough.

I will never forget one of my girlfriends at Bryce's service bawling.  She was an absolute mess.  She and I were friends, but something that I didn't know at the time was that she had also lost a husband to cancer when she was in her early twenties.  I didn't know this until I read a card that she'd written to me.  It was the first time reading or hearing words that sunk in and didn't piss me off.  They made sense.  They were caring.  Then, BOOM!  She put pen to paper about her loss.  She felt my pain.  She wrote words that made sense to me.  I didn't realize it in that moment, but I had just become a part of a club.  The Widows Club.  In a world that is so divided and so easily angered, we need more compassion.  Even if seeing someone else in grief is painful, there's something that feels like healing when I reach out a helping hand.

A few months ago, I heard of a co-workers husband passing away unexpectedly.  Not someone I worked with regularly.  She's in another department, but I have met her before.  Something inside of me knew I had to reach out.  I waited a couple of weeks and fired off an email.  I mentioned Bryce's death.  I told her that she could contact me anytime, if she needed an open ear.  I also gave her an out.  I remember that I wasn't very open to strangers telling me "I feel your pain."  I let her know that I would totally understand if she never even replied.  Last week, we had lunch.  We both cried.  She wanted to hear my story.  I wanted to hear hers.  I'm five years in the club now.  She's only 5 months in.  I wanted to be strong and NOT cry for her.  That's just not possible.  When I left, I had to forgive myself for trying NOT to cry.

CRY!!!!  I mean.... DAMN!  We lost someone.  No. Not just someone.  We lost this human that we married.  We created children with them.  We slept in the same bed every night with this person that we loved deeply.  We fought, made love, laughed, talked about things, could sit in comfortable silence with this person.  CRY!!!!!!

Other losses that we feel may not have the same reasonings.  I don't make love to friends, but the pain is still there when we lose people.  I don't sleep with my parents in the same bed, but I also don't even want to think about them dying.  You just insert different reasons for why it hurts.  Parents love us in a way that we will never feel again.  They're the only two people that have known you since your conception.  Friends: you create a bond with a human as you go through life that is different than the next human.  When it's gone, it SUCKS!  So cry.  Say nice things.  Lift each other up.

I'd like to think that covid is starting to let up a little.  There's more and more in the news of people being able to go back to the office, go to concerts, etc, etc.  Humans need human interaction.  I'm hoping that there will be less people dying of this thing very soon.  I also can't stand how people are treating each other through all of this.  Here's the deal, people.... it ALL hurts.  Just be nice.

I guess that's it.  That's the point of today's ramblings.  You never know what a person is going through.  A friend recently told me, "Jesus will never look into the eyes of another person that he doesn't love just as much as you."  Just be nice to people.  If you are going through loss, you are not alone.  Sadly, there's a club for you, too.  Just be nice.  Love each other.  Even when you want to kick dirty feet water in an elderly woman's face, be nice.