Dark Days

I'm going to write this.  Not because I want pity.  Not because I need anyone to feel sorry for me.  This one is going to be a version of therapy.  Even though we are getting therapy, I'm still losing my mind.

You know what sucks about cancer?  It's a destroyer.  Not just on a cellular level.  Because killing a person from the inside out, cell by cell, isn't enough for cancer.  Nope.  It's takes a hold of things outside of cells too.  It sneaks into your mind and emotions.  Through said mind and emotions, it slowly works on decaying your faith, your hope, your relationships.  Your ability to handle everyday things is shot.  A normal conversation about a child's Christmas party turns into something ugly.  Cancer is eating at my husbands cells and is destroying the emotional capacity to handle life.

We both go see what we call our Cancer Counselor.  She is awesome.  We love her very much.  She's down to earth and matter of fact with us.  She speaks to us in a way that we can relate to and understand.  We are able to take away lessons from our sessions with her.

The kids have gone to a place called Wonders and Worries.  They're FANTASTIC.  But, they need more.  We know that.  And we'll get them in with our Cancer Counselor pretty soon for individual sessions as soon as we can figure our lives out.

More recently, Bryce and I discussed the possibility of anxiety meds for me.  It's hard to be productive when you wake up with your chest pounding a couple of times a night, a couple of days in a row, or a couple of days in a week.  Therefore, I'm now seeing a psychiatrist.  I call her my crazy doctor.  She's not crazy.  She's just helping me to not be.  Nearly 4 years of dealing cancer without the assistance of something from a bottle came to an end for me.  I'm now taking "chill pills."

Our church and framily.  These people that surround us by blood or the blood of Christ bring more sanity to our insane situation than we deserve.  I know why we are in Lago now.  It's to be raising our boys in this community of people that love unconditionally.  There is not a single thing I can do to ever fully thank all of these people for what they have brought into our lives.

All of that is to say that there are resources and we are going and using them.  Yesterday at a med check appointment with my crazy doctor, she told me that she is validating my selfishness.  It's OK to feel and be selfish sometimes.  It's the feeling guilty about it that I need to let go of.  Hey.... I was raised southern Baptist.  We know all about guilt.  She also told me to see the goodness in things that might be annoying me.  Ex)  I have to go to the grocery store after I've been at work all day.  Think of it as my mental break.  I get to walk around the store with out co-workers or kids asking anything of me.

Even with all of the resources in the world.  Even with the countless amount of supporters, friends, kind words, prayers and offers to help us.  Even with all of that, I will have dark days.  I had a breaking point last weekend.  I spent Sunday in tears.  I guess I needed that to brace for the impact of the biopsy results on Wednesday.  When I heard that he had cancer, I was at work.  It honestly didn't even register as a speed bump at that moment.  And this week was already happening..... Christmas parties, making dishes, bringing gift exchanges for kids, attending programs, packing bags, wrapping presents.  It's not anything that everyone isn't dealing with.  All of those things are happening to everyone in town right now.  My life isn't any different that anyone else's.  I go to work.  I have the luxury of my husband being at home to handle all of the kid stuff.  Except that husband has cancer.  that's not a luxury.

That husband is currently terrified to be around large groups of people.  That husband is so afraid that the worst is just around the corner.  That husband cried with his young boys while he explained what to do should they find him dead or unconscious.  That husband is doing everything he can to hold it together.  That husband is mine.  That husband is my rock.  That husband is the one that picked up the pieces of me this weekend and told me to get in the shower.  That husband doesn't deserve this.

He also doesn't deserve to get yelled at by his crazy wife.  I was a total $h!+ storm this morning.  I will admit it.  I'll also admit that I'm a thrower.  When I'm angry, I might throw something.  He's only seen it twice in our relationship.  And only after cancer happened.   So to be fair, cancer started it.
I'll also admit that I didn't have anything to throw this morning in the middle of my $h!+ storm.  There's now a hole in the wall near my sink.  I'm not proud.  And once again, my husband picked up the pieces.  We've hit a place where we're both terrified.  We can hold each other and just cry.

Bryce, I'm sorry for acting like a complete fool this morning.  But like my crazy doctor told me yesterday...... find the good in things.  We shared a special hug this morning.  So many married couples wouldn't have made it through the things we have.  I held you and cried with you this morning because I love you so much it hurts sometimes.  And just in case my crazy doctor's words don't hit home..... in the words of April from Hot Tub Time Machine, "You have to embrace the chaos.  You have to; that way, life might just astonish you."