Ten Years of D-Days

I knew I felt weird last year when I said NINE years since I had lost my husband to cancer. I mean, it was almost ten, and that felt gross to me. Today is ten years and it is definitely a day of a lot of feelings. Ten years is a long time to not hear a person's voice or be in the presence of someone you chose to be with for the rest of your life. Because of Bryce's cancer and surgeries, it's technically been longer than ten since I've heard his voice. Yet I can still hear it.

Ten years of events he's missed and should have been here for. Ten years of parenting boys who tried me constantly. I guess I did a good job, because they still love me, they're doing well in college, and people around them like them. They deserved to have their dad see all of their accomplishments over the past ten years, but God had other plans.

Ten years of crazy world events that I would love to hear his perspective on. He was and still is one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.

Ten years of missing out on him making fun of me. Ten years of Groupon gifts I'll never receive. Ten years of not eating the food he would make. Ten years of missing a really great guy. Ten years of trying my hardest to love my boys through ten years of not having their dad.

Time is rude. Time is strange. Something can feel like it just happened and feel like it hasn't happened in forever, all in the blink of an eye.

Something I do is collect anniversary gemstones for each year he's been gone. People who have been to my house may not have any idea why I have a Lenox crystal bowl of rocks in my entryway, but I do.

"Welcome to our home" is plastered just above it. And people probably don't realize there's my bowl of collected memories just below it. That bowl was a wedding gift to Bryce and me, and I love that it's the place where I collect my rocks.

Fun fact: I've always liked rocks. AJ, our youngest, took a liking to rocks at a very early age, too. Even though he's off to college for his freshman year, I still have vases of his rock collection. I know that Bryce and I spent an incredible amount of time trying to shine rocks in a shaker thing that was a gift for AJ. It just seemed to fit that I would do this anniversary gemstone bowl of things. This year was crystal quartz. I found two in AJ's collection he left behind. So into the memory rock bowl they went. I have rocks the kids have painted. Some with words that hold deep meaning for me from another time and another place.

If you look closely, you'll see that the mother of pearl is a pair of clip-on earrings from my grandmother. Sapphire is represented in ring form—thanks again to Bryce's addiction to Groupon goods and his go-to for all gifts for me. There's turquoise from a necklace I never wore. The topaz, onyx, and tourmaline are the beads from bracelets. Whether it was something I purchased to be a polished pretty heart-shaped stone, a gift or hand-me-down from someone, or something from another jar of rocks, they were all once a part of this earth.

I have dark thoughts about the whole ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Then I remember in Ecclesiastes 12:7 that when the dust returns to the earth as it was, the spirit will return to God who gave it. It's easy to be sad today. I don't think that will ever go away. I know I'm lucky though. Even though I've been collecting a bowl of rocks for ten years, I had him in my life for fifteen. He gave me two beautiful boys. He taught us what fighting really looks like. And because he made the choice to believe, we'll see him in eternity.

I'm also lucky that God gave me the chance to love and be loved again. I'm thankful for the man who chooses to love me even on my sad days. My new husband isn't jealous of my love for Bryce, because Kyle knows that my love for him is completely different. God gave me a man who loves Jesus, loves my children, and loves me despite all of my weirdo tendencies. Including my cultivation of a big bowl of rocks.

Live, Laugh, Love - Loss

We all have seen them, own or owned them, right? The Hobby Lobby/Etsy signs in the spaces we create for our families that say "Live, Laugh, Love"

What about the times when we aren't feeling the stupid sign. I don't feel lively today. I am damn sure not laughing. I feel terrible pain in my heart, BECAUSE of love. Well, I'm here today to talk about all of the feelings. With the help of a ridiculous tv show's finally, I was able to figure my way through some of my feelings. More than that, I'm able to label a fear that I didn't realize was there.

If you haven't watched The Good Place, put it on your list. It's outrageous, funny, somewhat insane and at times.... really beautiful. The finale was one of the best I've ever seen. The unfortunate part of this was that I watched it with my youngest while I was dropping him off at college. As of Saturday, neither of my natural born children live in my home for the majority of the year.

I've said it before and it bears repeating. There is no feeling like this. We are filled with pride for our kids. We are excited for what they are embarking on. We are also a little proud of ourselves. Let's face it!! If we were parenting even a little bit, this is what it was for. We love them, protect them, teach them and guide them for THIS exact moment. Being proud of ourselves is OK. But even while we feel pride & joy, we also begin to mourn the loss of being with them daily. My revelation this week has been my incredible feelings of fear. The bigger issue is that I'm TERRIFIED that they will die.

I've caught myself saying really terrible things. The word vomit for the past 3 weeks usually has something to do with them dying. It's not that I don't trust them to NOT die. I just finally realized that I'm not capable of dealing with that. I can't protect them in the same way anymore.

Now.... I'm not trying to be the spoiler for the show, but during the finale, Chidi expains one of the ways a Budhist looks at death. I don't think watching this little clip gives too much away, but it gave me a LOT of feelings. I mean, the whole show is about people that have already died. It's about getting into the good place or the bad place. There is ZERO factual information and it certainly doesn't align with my Christian beliefs. It's just a funny show. But this thing that Chidi said was so impactful this week.

I thought it was just so beautful. In know that my sons are not dying. They are ACTUALLY just living on thier own.They are living. It's just that it feels like I've watched them grow into this big, beautiful wave. I have measured it, admired the way the light comes through it and watched it form into this incredible wave. But that wave was just the first one that they were. That was the wave that I helped make. They've returned to the ocean, but were always a part of the ocean. This is the part of thier lives were they get to build thier own wave by themselves.

I have referenced this quote & post more than once. "Your son growing up will feel like the slowest breakup you've ever known." There's also the old adage, "A daughter is a daughter for all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife." My boys are spreading thier wings. The American governement says that they are legal adults. But they are still my babies, right?!?! There isn't a single other person on this planet that can look at thier hairy faces (that are 6+" above mine) and still see baby cheeks or hear a high pitched voice saying "mommy." Moms are the only one with that capability and it never goes away.

I have so much to be happy about. The boys and I have come through some really awful things. NO boy should lose thier dad to cancer when they're that young. NO boy should have to deal with thier crazy mother fumbling through raising boys the best she can. But they did it. They did it well. And continue to do well. They are smart and beautiful and good and excited to embrace thier future.

Meanwhile, I have met this incredbile man that I FINALLY get to marry in a couple of months. He is remarkable. And while I never thought I would be a needy person, I find myself wanting to be with him all of the time. I do not like being away from him. This week, I realized that some of my clinginess is the fear of him dying. I can't deal with that loss. I just can't do it. Every day that I am closer to being Mrs. Bandow I am fearful that he might die, too. I can't lose these men in my life. I love them too much. One might think, "Jess, you've dealt with it once. Stop being fearful of it happening again." It's actually because I know that pain that I know I can't go through that again.

It's just so funny that for the past month, God has been sending me requests to hand over my crap?? I don't have to walk through my problems alone. I can lay everything at his feet. It seems so easy for someone that isn't a control freak, but I've had to do some work saying things like, "Financial issues??? God, I know you will provide. So, I lay this at your feet while I continue to work hard and do my best at the job you gave me." I have even been praying that God watch over my boys. I pray over my children all of the time, but that special prayer has been reworded now that they've flown the coop.

But this one... The realization that I am actually terrified of everyone dying ... It's crushing me. I am constantly on the verge of tears today. I know all kinds of scripture about fear, too. Joshua 1:9, 2 Timothy 1:7, Psalm 23:4 - All of them basically stating the same thing from Isaiah 41:10 "FEAR NOT, for I AM WITH YOU." So now I have to hand over this fear, but it feels like I'm handing over my duty as a mother. I AM STILL THIER MOM!

Then it all hit me. As a control freak, I'm afraid that they are going to all die the moment they aren't all in my nest. I'm afraid of people dying, because I know the reality of that situation. I also know that I can't control it. I couldn't stop it from happening if I tried. I do need to stop feeling this way. I need to believe that they have all of the tools to survive this world on thier own. I need to trust that Kyle isn't going die from whatever. I need to let go. I need to release this fear. It's a legitimate fear, but I have to let it go. But before I go, here's a sweet reminder of what I'm afraid to lose.

Go be amazing boys. Your mommy loves you. I know you're going to both do great things. Remember to Live, Laugh & Love..... even if you don't have a sign in your breakfast area.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever loved something so hard your heart might explode?

Have you ever lost something or someone and thought you might implode?

Have you ever heard of someone experiencing a loss and wondered what to do?

Have you ever uttered the words, "I can't imagine that kind of pain"?

I have. I have done all of those things. I've told so many people that grief looks different for everyone. Each type of grief looks different. When I met Kyle, we bonded over grief. He would ask me questions about whether or not it was OK to feel or do certain things while he was fresh in his grief after losing his sister. Then he would follow that up by saying, "I know my pain isn't as bad as you losing your husband, but...." I always corrected him.

He lost a sister. I had lost my husband. He lost someone that he had known his entire life. I had lost someone that I was planning to spend my life with. I lost someone that I had created lives with. It's like comparing an arm and a leg. It's completely different; both are terrible losses. That loss is extremely terrible when the person is young.

Today, I learned of someone passing. It's hard not to call her a child because I watched her grow from a child into a beautiful young woman. She had just graduated from high school with my oldest son. She was truly one of a kind. She had her entire life ahead of her. She was JUST getting started.

Have you ever known someone that made such an impact that an entire community is rocked by her loss?

Have you ever lost someone and wondered or screamed, "WHY?!?!?!?!!!!"

Have you ever watched everyone around you doing the same?

While I've said that there are many different kinds of grief and none of them should be compared, I will say that the loss of a child has to be the worst. I haven't had that, but I have feared it. I especially fear it at this moment when I know that my child is about to go off into the world on his own. Now my friend is completely submersed in my worst fear.

Because I have been through loss, people have come to me and asked the question, "What do I say?" Trust me when I say this... I have heard some STUPID things and been very angry. What I always tell people is that you should never tell a person how to grieve. I didn't want articles. I didn't need to hear words of advice. I actually vocalized it to a random friend of a friend whose aunt's best friends said that I should do BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. My response wasn't kind, but I'd had enough. It was clear when I said, "Oh really?! When was the last time you lost your husband?"

It probably wasn't my classiest move, but I couldn't hear another tidbit about what I SHOULD be doing. Yet, here I am wondering what to do or say to my friend. I loved her baby, too. I have so many wonderful memories of this beautiful girl. I am shredded again when I think of her little brother and sister. I am unbearably sad for her parents. I'm looking around at every other person she and her family have touched and we are all shook.

I have been writing my son's goodbye post for a year in my head. My thank you's to the people we've done life with. The incredible sadness of the slowest breakup I've ever gone through. My oldest baby. My firstborn son. My year of "lasts" with him all in some silly blog on this page will never convey what I have been experiencing for a year. So much of this sadness was the result of me thinking about how his dad wasn't able to be with him for these things.

Today, it all feels really damn insignificant in the incomparable loss of this precious child's life. So, I guess I'm writing to say that you shouldn't say anything stupid to a grieving mother. You do not know her pain. Instead, sit with her when she's ready for it. Let her cry. Let her laugh. Feed her. Hug her. Let her scream. Just let her be and you need to be respectful of that.

Lastly, you don't know the story. One day, you might get details. But if you don't, who cares?! It's none of your business anyways. Be the support system the family and friends need. We need to love each other. We need to kiss our babies and say "I love you" every day. We need to send them prayers and cover them with love for the rest of their lives. Because at the end of the day...

Have you ever lost a child?

First Lasts - Round 1

 In March of 2016, I wrote about the the last of my firsts when Bryce's first D-Day anniversary was coming up.  Grief does strange things to the human mind and heart.  When I lost Bryce, I had to feel the first of everything without him.  When the first anniversary of D-Day rolled around, I was afraid that I would start to lose parts of him; memories, dates, the exact color of his eyes.  I didn't want to ever forget.  The beauty of grief is that you don't need a holiday to remember the ones you've lost.  I just didn't realize it at the time.

Now I am starting another grieving process as Bowen starts his senior year in high school.
  My baby
  My first born
  My mini-me
  The oldest of two reasons I chose to keep breathing in 2016

I think I've done an amazing job of avoiding how this really feels.  Don't get me wrong... I have definitely faced this reality over the last year, but I am AMAZING at shoving these things down.  I have tried to deny reality that in about a year, I will move this beautiful child out of my house and let him go be an adult.  I've been training him for this his whole life, right?  That's what we do as parents.  We love them, teach them and pray for them to go be self sustaining people out in the world all on their own.

Tomorrow, I will attend a senior mom brunch.  I was asked to pick out pictures for a slideshow.  The request was anything from babies until now.  Reality hit me when I found this gem

Yup.  The first day of kindergarten.  Holding his daddy's hand as we went up to the cross walk.

Bryce was an amazing father.  He loved our boys fiercely.  He fought for his own life fiercely, and he did so mostly for his boys.

Monday, I cried.  HARD.

I have already started to think of all of the things that the boys will experience and accomplish and experience without having their dad there to see it.

Sure, we know that Bryce is watching from above, but Bowen will not walk across the high school graduation stage to look up and see his dad sitting in the bleachers.  Bowen may not have held his daddy's hand to make their way into a building for Bowen's last first day of high school, but he also didn't get a choice in the matter.

Bowen has always been a delightful person.  I am honored to be his momma.  He's had some rough patches.  He's been through some pretty terrible things.  He's overcome some demons.  He's proving to the world what I have always seen in him:

He is a leader.
He is talented.
He is beautiful inside and out.
He is fun.
He is protective.
He is unapologetically himself.
He will fight until the bitter end for what he believes in.

When I was prepping him for his junior prom, I was punched in the gut.  Leading up to prom, he had the worst attitude.  The day came and he put on his first tux.  He came into mine and Kyle's room asking questions about how things work with a tux while I was in the bathroom with one of my best friends.  I turned around to see Kyle fixing his collar for him.

DONE!!!!  That did me in.

I am so grateful that I have Kyle in our lives, but it really hit me in my momma heart.  While Bryce will never be the one that is able to physically stand in front of our first born, I am still here.  I got the honor of showing him how to add those strange tux buttons to a shirt that already has buttons.  Bowen wore Bryce's monogrammed cuff links that night.  I was able to teach him that he should always have a handkerchief on the inside pocket of his jacket.  I told him that if Olivia started to cry, that's what you offer her.  NOT the pocket square.  I also told him that he better not be the reason for her tears or they'd better be happy tears.  So, I gave him a hanky that was his dad's, also with dad's initials.

That's what it's about, right?  God blesses us with these tiny little creatures that we grow in our bodies.  They're so dependent on us for their every need.  For the next 18 years, we love them, teach them, feed them, pray over them and let them go.  We spend 18 years of our lives teaching them how to leave us.  I've made the reference before due to another blogger.  Boy moms experience the slowest break-up of all time.  We do it willingly.  I would do it all over again.  One million times over.

Bowen Dale Stobb is the first of two incredibly amazing humans that I grew in my belly.  I knew their personalities before they entered the world.  Bowen kicked, moved and danced all day in there.  He gave me heartburn before he ever took in air.  While I enter into round one in the first of the lasts with my first born, I might need a little grace.  I know that I need to feel all the feels.  I know that I also don't want to be sloppy about it, but I'm sure I will be at times.  Just give me grace, maybe even a hanky.

As for you, Bowen Dale Stobb, be true to yourself.  I know that you don't see how much of a leader you are, but you are.  It's just who you have always been.  Be true to yourself.  Remember what's right.  Love the Lord fiercely and know that He will never leave you.  Shake a man's hand like a man, but not so hard that he feels challenged.  Do everything respectfully, but never be a doormat.  Love, and love completely.  Know that your daddy is with you, because he is in you.  He and I are incredibly proud of you. And remember what I have said to you for years..... go be amazing.  #BStrong

We had a Good Run

 Maybe I should say HE had a good run, but there's more than one.  This is about the good run of three good men in my life.

If you are on my Facebook page, you know that I have been wrapped up in football for weeks and the intensity took on new levels this year.  My junior is the starting quarterback, safety and is out there to do different jobs for special teams, too.  He's on the field a LOT.

My freshman played football, as well.  Thursday nights for he took the field as a player.  Friday night,  he entertained us on the drum line for Marching Band.  AJ's Marching Band participated in a contest every weekend in October.  We were unable to advance past Area, but they were AMAZING!!!!!

The football games for Varsity continued into the semi-finals last Thursday where we fell to Lorena just one game short of State game.  These boys fought SO hard and for SO long.  This is only the second time in Lago Vista history that they made it to week 5 of the playoffs.  Out of 106 teams in 3A - Div I, we were one of 4 standing.  I mean COME ON!!!  That's not just a good run, that's a GREAT RUN.

The pressure was on.  Tensions get higher every week.  ThenMonday of that week going into the game, we learned that their grandfather had passed away in the night.  Gary had been ill for quite some time.  We knew that it was bad.  On Monday, I couldn't stop crying.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I would stop.  I would try to get some work done.  Then, I would spontaneously cry again.  I finally quit trying to get anything done and I just decided to be sad.  I think maybe I was a little jealous, too.

Gary woke up in heaven.  He walked through the pearly gates, met Jesus and got to hug Bryce again.  I'd say that his day was FAR better than anyone's that he left behind.  He isn't in pain any longer.  His incredibly intelligent way always caught me off guard.  I could tell story after story of things about Gary that make me smile; some I was there for.  Others were stories that Bryce or other members of his family shared over the years.

Last week, my boys swallowed their sadness for days.  They performed on a football field Thursday night and woke up early Friday to go bury their grandfather.  Their composure on Friday was significantly better than mine.  We turned RIGHT around to come back to Lago for AJ to be able to perform for his concert Friday night.  He woke up early on Saturday to get on a bus to audition for all-state.  He didn't advance, but he's a freshman.  He tried it and he'll be back at it next year.

We suffered some pretty huge losses last week, but my men have impressed me more that I can ever express.  One day, I hope I grow up to be like them and handle things in the impressive way that they have.

Grief in Another's Eyes

When people ask me about my grief, it usually comes in the form of questions.

"Does it ever get any better?"
"Is it OK that I feel this way after (insert any given time frame here)?"
"Does it makes sense that sometimes I feel (insert emotion here)?"

I have the same answer every time.  Grief is different for everyone and every loss is different.

I have been writing this blog in my head for months now.  I've been too busy to put it all down.  I've also wondered if it's too painful to sit down and type it all out.  This year has been a tough one.  There's covid still running rampant.  It's definitely gotten closer to home this year than when it started a year and a half ago.  Either way, painful or busy, it's time to get it out.

At the beginning of the year, we got word that Bryce's dad, Gary, was getting worse.  Multiple Systems Atrophy is a strange beast.  Soon after, Jerrie, Bryce's mom, found out that she has Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  The beginning of her treatments were terribly hard on her.  Bryce's sister and her family all dove in to help care for her and Gary.  I tried to get down there over the summer to pitch in on rides to chemo and letting them get away for a night or something..... anything!

In April, my Kyle went through terrible grief while remembering his sister's death during her birthday month.  In March, Bryce had been gone for FIVE years.  It seemed like every time we turned around we were hearing of another death, loss, something sad.  At the same time, there's other things that feel like grief, too.  My boys are getting older and needing me less.  The grieving process of them growing up and moving out is already starting.  Friendships that seem to be falling apart or just fading away.  There's grief with that, too.

When the covid business started, I went crazy before anyone else did.  I tried to keep it to myself as much as possible.  Then, I started to notice or hear about others that weren't handling it very well either.  Watching others go through it all is just as hard.  Same thing with grief.  Watching someone else go through it is hard, too.  In some ways, watching it happen to others feels hardER.  If you have any compassion at all, it just hurts.  No one enjoys watching other people in pain.  Oh... with the exception of the sociopath's I watch on the ID channel.  To see someone in the kind of pain that has been the worst pain of your life makes it worse.  It brings up memories of your own pain and all of it comes back.  ALL of it.

I'm not sure what shifted, but people became really, REALLY ugly during it all.  At one point, I was verbally assaulted during a pedicure because of my beliefs.  (I will NOT go into it all here.)  This older woman started asking me personal questions.  

Mean old lady:  Have you ever had someone you love die?
Super innocent, tiny, sweet, never say anything mean version of me:  Yes.  I lost a husband to cancer.

Mean ol' broad:  Oh.  So, it wasn't covid.  Then, you STILL don't get it.

I was SOOOOOO enraged, I nearly kicked my pedicure feet water in her face.  However, we were 6' apart, both wearing masks and I didn't want to splash Mike, my pedi guy.  Plus, he mouth and nose were protected.  All I would have ruined was her mascara.  I just ended up asking her really private, highly offensive questions in attempts to get her to shut her pie hole.  It worked.  She shut up.  When I got into my car, I just cried.  How could some stranger tell me that his death didn't matter?  Had she been widowed in her 30's with two young boys, would she have felt the same way?  It was so upsetting.  It was like she was telling me that my feelings over his life were irrelevant.  It's like she's saying that loss comes in different categories and my loss wasn't enough.

I will never forget one of my girlfriends at Bryce's service bawling.  She was an absolute mess.  She and I were friends, but something that I didn't know at the time was that she had also lost a husband to cancer when she was in her early twenties.  I didn't know this until I read a card that she'd written to me.  It was the first time reading or hearing words that sunk in and didn't piss me off.  They made sense.  They were caring.  Then, BOOM!  She put pen to paper about her loss.  She felt my pain.  She wrote words that made sense to me.  I didn't realize it in that moment, but I had just become a part of a club.  The Widows Club.  In a world that is so divided and so easily angered, we need more compassion.  Even if seeing someone else in grief is painful, there's something that feels like healing when I reach out a helping hand.

A few months ago, I heard of a co-workers husband passing away unexpectedly.  Not someone I worked with regularly.  She's in another department, but I have met her before.  Something inside of me knew I had to reach out.  I waited a couple of weeks and fired off an email.  I mentioned Bryce's death.  I told her that she could contact me anytime, if she needed an open ear.  I also gave her an out.  I remember that I wasn't very open to strangers telling me "I feel your pain."  I let her know that I would totally understand if she never even replied.  Last week, we had lunch.  We both cried.  She wanted to hear my story.  I wanted to hear hers.  I'm five years in the club now.  She's only 5 months in.  I wanted to be strong and NOT cry for her.  That's just not possible.  When I left, I had to forgive myself for trying NOT to cry.

CRY!!!!  I mean.... DAMN!  We lost someone.  No. Not just someone.  We lost this human that we married.  We created children with them.  We slept in the same bed every night with this person that we loved deeply.  We fought, made love, laughed, talked about things, could sit in comfortable silence with this person.  CRY!!!!!!

Other losses that we feel may not have the same reasonings.  I don't make love to friends, but the pain is still there when we lose people.  I don't sleep with my parents in the same bed, but I also don't even want to think about them dying.  You just insert different reasons for why it hurts.  Parents love us in a way that we will never feel again.  They're the only two people that have known you since your conception.  Friends: you create a bond with a human as you go through life that is different than the next human.  When it's gone, it SUCKS!  So cry.  Say nice things.  Lift each other up.

I'd like to think that covid is starting to let up a little.  There's more and more in the news of people being able to go back to the office, go to concerts, etc, etc.  Humans need human interaction.  I'm hoping that there will be less people dying of this thing very soon.  I also can't stand how people are treating each other through all of this.  Here's the deal, people.... it ALL hurts.  Just be nice.

I guess that's it.  That's the point of today's ramblings.  You never know what a person is going through.  A friend recently told me, "Jesus will never look into the eyes of another person that he doesn't love just as much as you."  Just be nice to people.  If you are going through loss, you are not alone.  Sadly, there's a club for you, too.  Just be nice.  Love each other.  Even when you want to kick dirty feet water in an elderly woman's face, be nice.

Comin' up roses (actually, it's a Japanese magnolia)

 It's been a crazy few week around here.  The last week or two have been especially nuts.  However, there have been some beautiful moments amidst the insanity.  Two of the 3 boys have elected to go back to school  for face to face learning, while Bowen has elected to continue with remote learning to avoid a quarantine situation.  He lives to play sports.  That being said, I have to brag.

Bowen started 10th grade this year.  AJ started 8th grade.  Bryant has moved into middle school for his 6th grade year.

We all needed this little nugget of normalcy during the most insane year of our lives.  So far, this fall is going to be my favorite part of the year.  Bowen made Varsity in football and AJ made marching band drum line.  Friday night lights will be SOOOOOOO fun!!!!  Bowen scored his first Varsity touchdown this past Friday and I could have cried and yelled and jumped and yelled.  *sigh*  Although, I did really yell, I feel like I held it together.  Just in case you would like to see said touch down, watch the video in this news clip HERE.

The cherry on the top, however, and the wrap up for this weekend was finally planting a tree for Bryce.  Bryce wanted to become trees.  He was very specific about who would get a piece of him to become part of these trees.  He wanted for me to have a Jacaranda tree, but I have killed 4 of them now.  I think that he picked this tree because of it's beautiful purple flowers.  His ashes, however, have been in a pot with the fourth dead tree for over a year.

While Kyle and I have spent months working on the add on room, I decided to pick up a Japanese magnolia to plant in the front yard.  The blood, sweat and tears that have gone into this add on are unreal.  Then my parents helped immensely in the final push to make my vision of the front yard come to fruition.  Today, Bryce's tree went in.  I cried a lot before my parents came over.  As my dad poured the last of the root simulator on, he said, "There ya go, B Stobb."  Watching them all fuss over this tree means more than I can ever find words for.  And Kyle..... I mean, how can I love him so much while missing Bryce the way I do?  And even more than that.... How does he handle my love for Bryce without jealousy or judgement?  He's just an amazing human with such a beautiful heart.

Welcome to your new old home, Bryce.

P.S.  your boys are out there killin' it, but I know that you know that

2020 Midway Point

I don't know that anyone necessarily wants to read what I have to say about a global epidemic, but I write to process my own feelings and I write to get it all out.  So, here it goes.

For anyone living under a rock or for anyone that finds this blog in a hundred years, we are currently living in a world that is under attack by COVID-19.  Our hospitals are not equipt with enough ventilators to battle and treat this sickness.  That's the basics of it.

They told us all to stay home.  Well, that's weird!  We were required to home school our kids for a season.  That's hard!  I personally am in the middle of construction on my home, too.  I suffer from anxiety and depression off and on from time to time.  It happens to be one of those times.  Life circumstances probably brought that on.  Mental illness and emotional distress is a very real thing.  And to be perfectly honest, it sucks!

We're about halfway to Christmas in 2020 and here's a little run down of things happening in my life.  My job said, "Do NOT come to the office."  My job duties have had to shift a little bit, but I'm lucky. I still have a job while others were forced out of theirs.  That makes me sad.  For three weeks, the kids and I locked ourselves in our home, homeschooled and tried to figure out what was happening in the world.  The construction on the home was put on hold because workers couldn't come here.  Why? Because the workers were afraid to come in and we were afraid to let people in, because none of us wanted to die.  That's not a comfortable feeling.  Next, the death of George Floyd caused an uproar in every major city across America. Rightfully so.  It wasn't fear I felt then.  It was overwhelming sadness.  In the middle of this, we've tried to get construction moving again.  I also stepped down from my Worship Team at church. That's met with mixed emotions as well.

Here's the deal... there's no way anyone could be experiencing 2020 in America and not feel like:

1)  2020 is definitely the equivalent to a dumpster fire

2)  Humans everywhere are in serious pain

3)  Emotional and mental health problems are very real

That being said, what a time for us to lay ourselves at the cross.  Churches have been forced to close thier brick and mortar doors, but a building isn't the church.  The people, the body of Christ, are still here.  When talking to the pandemic, I know that Revelation 21:4 is true.  Someday, there will be no more death.  And the beautiful image of Christ wiping away all of our tears helps me.  For this woman experiencing severe anxiety and depression, I HAVE to go to The Word.

Psalm 94:18-19 - God will support and console me

Isaiah 45:5-7 - Everything is under God's control 

Psalm 143:7-8 - God listens and responds to my cries for help

What about when I'm feeling weak or frustrated? 

Psalm 34:19 God will deliver us through our struggles 

Romans 8:26 - The Spirit helps us in our weaknesses 

I have The Word. God has given me all of the tools.  So, why.... WHY does life feel so hard right now?!  Why do I cry so much?  Why can't I just "feel better?!"  Afterall, in Matthew 6:25-34, He tells me not to worry about my life or about tomorrow.  So why do I worry?!  I mean... if worrying were an Olympic sport, I'd be pulling in Golds ALL DAY LONG!  Look out Phelps!

I don't know what my point is here, necessarily.  I do know that I'm not the only one feeling this way though.  What I need to say to people and definitely to myself is FORGIVE.  Forgive myself. Go easy on myself.  If God asks us to show mercy to others, then I need to show mercy to myself. 

Grace. Humility. Kindness. Compassion.

Jesus taught us.  He showed us, BY EXAMPLE, not only to share these gifts with others, but to lay them on our own hearts.

Drowning, Anniversaries and Rocks

Another year without Bryce.  Sometimes it feels like it's been 4 years.  Some days I feel like it has been a lifetime since I was able to touch him.  Unless you've lost someone, you will never understand what it feels like to desperately need a conversation with your person and they aren't there.  Other days, I may be in a crowd somewhere and I feel like I hear his laugh.  When I hear his laugh or his voice, it seems like it was just yesterday that he was still with me.  Grief messes with time.

About a month ago, I basically became the most awful person to be around.  About a week into being this evil monster, I was driving down the road when I heard Drowning by Chris Young for the first time.  I was undone.  Completely undone.  I did, however, try to be kind enough to myself to say "Self, this is why you're unbearable right now."  Most of the time, I can snap out of it when the reminder pops up.  This year has been different.

This could also be the result of some very, VERY trying times with my teenagers and Kyle's tween.  Either way, I don't particularly enjoy being a terrible person to be around.  I always tell my kids that they could "choose joy" or they "have the power to determine their own happiness."  My particular favorite is to use "the power of positivity."  The best part about using that last line is that Bowen was the one to teach us about that power.  I use it on him the most.

So, here it is.  Another D-day.  I haven't been positive for a month.  My prayers are full of prayers for people that are suffering.  Don't get me wrong.  I do thank Him for the things that I have.  I am praying for other things and people.  It's just that there's so much pain right now.  Deer Park High School class of 95 lost a truly wonderful soul.  Gil Co, you were one of a kind.  The family that I met Bryce through lost ANOTHER sibling and son.  I loved Joe dearly.  My friend here in Lago suffering through breast cancer.  Nik, God is a healer.  Rich, praying for your strength while your wife needs you the most.  These three are just the tip of the iceberg.

Maybe I've been such a wreck because of all of it.  Maybe I've been just a mess because I am so dang tired.  Tired makes me weepy.  Tired also makes me angry.  No one likes being around emotional bears.  The people closest to me just couldn't get a good read.  No one really knew what version of Jessica they were about to receive.  That's a scary place to be.  for them.

Naturally, D-day arrives and things feel like they can go back to normal.  It was really nice to wake up to the sound of thunder and rain pouring down.  It was an external picture of what was going on in my heart.  It's also cleansing.  It's an external picture of everything being washed away.  A normal way of life will still be messy for now with the kids sports schedules, but my head space is perhaps going to level out.

I also made the decision to remember this day in a different way.  I couldn't figure out exactly what I wanted that to look like until this morning.  Bryce and I started doing the traditional wedding gifts in year 4.  That year was leather.  This was also the year that Bryce went from being a TERRIBLE gift finder to kicking my tail every single year in the anniversary gift game.

This being year 4, I thought about buying something leather.  However, I also want to marry Kyle someday and I would like to carry on the traditional wedding gifts with him.  I googled what the modern gifts were.  They're boring, by the way.  I am not interested in honoring Bryce's first day in heaven with an appliance.  The irony here, is that I will have a new double oven and microwave delivered this week.

Anyhow, while google searching, I discovered that leather may have been year 3, not year 4.  I also discovered that there are different stones, gems and colors for anniversaries, too.  So that's it.  I don't need a new topaz ring, but what I can do is collect things.  Fake rocks that symbolize a rare stone.  Rocks that are similar or the same color.  I have a glass bowl that we received as a wedding bowl.  I have been trying to decide what to do with it since the potpourri lost it's stink AGES ago.  This is it.  I'm searching for rocks, gems and colors.

February may look like a mess for me.  In other words, I will be a mess for some or all of February.  March, even though it's a crazy time for our family, can be filled with stones and color and memories.  I hold a stone, pray over it.  I can hold these things and pray for the suffering that it happening all around me.  Around ALL of us.  Once it's been prayed over, I can put them in my beautiful bowl knowing that all of these things are out of my hands.  Let's face it.  I never had control of them to begin with.

Dear Bryce

Dear Bryce,
 I never really talk to you. I know that you can't hear me. I think of you daily though. I wish I could at least email you or something, but you are gone. Today, you would have been 42 years old, but you never made it to 39. I guess you didn't make it and see a lot of things. I think that's why today is harder than the past couple of birthdays you missed.
 Do you know how hard it is to be a single mom to teenage boys? I guess you don't because you're gone now. They both really could have used their dad over the past year. They've needed you since the day you passed. I hope that I'm not screwing them up. I guess I'll find out when they move out.
 Do you know how hard it is to wonder if I am screwing them up though? Would I still worry about this if you were here to help? I guess I can't know these things because you are gone.
 Bowen turned 15 on Saturday. I did NOT handle that well. He's taller than me now, but I can still see his chubby baby face through what's visible to anyone else. But I look at him through his mothers' eyes. He's growing into a dedicated athlete. I'm sure you always knew that would be the case. At least I can say that I haven't screwed that part up, yet. And he's just gorgeous. Honestly, gorgeous. I just can't tell him that.
 AJ is still brilliant and defiant. I wonder if he's become more defiant because you are gone. There's also no way of knowing. He's still a little boy in so many ways, but he's matured, too. He's got a wonderful sense of humor and has started to come out of his shell. In some ways, he's busted out of it guns ablaze'. He has even twerked for me twice in the past month! I wish you could have seen it. I can still hear your laugh. Sometimes, I imagine that you did see things, just so that I can imagine your big laugh.
 You should see the house, baby. As strange as it is to mention Kyle to you, I know that you wouldn't have wanted me to be lonely. He has loved this house, too. He's made it so beautiful. I think the work on the outside of the house will be done this week. He also loves your boys. He is good to them, too. It's weird to say this, too, but I wish you could have met each other. Not that it's an option, because you are gone.
 I know that not all of your birthdays will be this bad. This one just really sucks. I am trying to stay busy. I don't even have to try. I am just busy! But busy can't take away the memory of you, no matter how hard I try. I still love you. I'm sorry that you couldn't celebrate 42.
 Your grieving wife,
Jessica (because you refused to call me Jess)

A Shower + My Bed = Heaven

I'm HOME!!!!!  And I couldn't be happier!!  It's not a super easy recovery ahead of me, but I am able to do this from my own bed now!  My last post walked through the days before and what lead to surgery.  This will be a little more about the process of surgery and what recovery will look like.

First, I'd like to tell a little story about my state of mind when they said they needed to operate.  They had already been administering dilaudid.
Dilaudid = Morphine x 8

My brain was a little less than sharp.  When they said they were going to operate, my initial reaction in my dulled mind was something along the line of "Cool, man."  I was somehow able to piece together that someone had mentioned that it was nearing 7:00 pm and my surgeon had not spoken to me because he was studying my current pictures with those from two and a half years ago.  It dawned on me that someone had mentioned the word "emergency" when discussing my case.  When the surgeon came to talk to me, I had started to realize the urgency.  It was even more evident when a very qualified and well respected surgeon made the decision to bring in someone else to handle my case, because he hadn't operated on many cases like me.  I asked as many questions as I could.  Questions about the procedure and the way it was going to happen.  Questions about risks.  Anything I could get my furry brain to come up with.  It was setting in that I wasn't having a tooth pulled.  Someone was going into my chest cavity to clean out stomach contents.  THAT is problematic and needs major work.  It was sinking in and freaking me out right about the time they were taking me back and knocking me out.  Essentially, just in time.

Tube scar is a few inches below the incision

Turns out, this surgery was pretty serious.  You can read about why it had to happen in my last post, if you click HERE.  If you need to know the why behind things, the previous post is for you.  If you need to know how, that's why we're here today.  The procedure that they did is called a thoracotomy.  They started the cut on my left side and went about 8 inches around to my back.  They cut between ribs to get inside of the chest cavity.  They insert a tube into my lung.  This is for multiple reasons.  For me, its purpose was to drain the fluid that was there at the time, and it would stay in to keep draining fluid out post surgery.

For the week that I was there, I was in ICU and the beds were all full down on the floor.   Basically, once the chest tube and epidural came out, there was no need for me to be in ICU.  However, there were greater needs down on the floor.  Therefore, I was released straight from ICU on Monday.  Ideally, they would have kept me for at least another day.  They would have preferred to watch me eat real food and take a warm shower to make sure I could handle both with no issues.  They would have preferred to watch me go to oral medications from intravenous before sending me home.  I know that's what THEY would have preferred in an ideal setting.  I am, however, very happy with going home when I did.  I just have to be extra cautious and aware of my body.

What does this mean a week post surgery?  First of all, I got to take a shower.  FINALLY!!!  It was literally the best shower I have had in my entire life.  The first shower after not being allowed to have one for six days was even better BECAUSE it wasn't at the hospital.  I still had help.  It was at my parents house, not mine, because they have a bench seat in theirs.  It was so wonderful, I'm going back to that shower tomorrow for another one.  It didn't have to happen with a stranger in the room with a badge that says physical therapist.  It didn't happen with left over hotel soaps and washes with a rough wash cloth.  I'm telling you.  This is reason numero uno for breaking out of the ICU a day or two early.  OK.  I also wanted to be with my kids and home, but the shower really was top notch.

Next up, I have to rest and take it easy.  They say it's an 8 week recovery.  I'm having a hard time explaining what this feels like.  Maybe like broken ribs that have had a hysterectomy?  My ribs hurt.  Coughing or clearing my throat is one of the hardest things that I do.  I grasp for a pillow to hold against me and try to be as gentle as possible, but there is still "stuff" that I need to clear from the lungs.  Mid-story or sentence, I may suddenly stop to try to fill my lungs with air.  That is difficult to do, as well.  Laughing is excruciating.  I simply have to remember that people have gone into a part of my body where all of the important things live, minus the brain, and cut away tissue and part of an organ that were bad.  It's going to take a minute to feel normal again, but I can tell you that I feel great, all things considered!

Lastly, I have to pay very close attention to what my body is telling me.  I think I lost 20 pounds this week.  I'll verify when new batteries for my scale show up.  I don't think I can eat like normal, yet.  I wasn't allowed a full diet until the day I left.  I have been trying to ease into food.  I am also not that hungry, because I am not active right now.  What I discovered today is that I can feel my stomach digest a meal.  It's one of the strangest sensations I have ever had.  As we all know, the stomach contracts to digest.  Well, I can feel that about 3 minutes after I'm finished eating.  It isn't necessarily painful, but it's certainly uncomfortable.  It's kind of like a muscle cramp.  As an added bonus, when it happens, I also "lose my stomach."  It's as if I am on a roller coaster and my stomach drops, but it's less severe.  Slower, so to speak.  It's quite bizarre and uncomfortable.  And standing or walking through it feels better than laying down.  Anyhow, I'm definitely paying attention to my intake and what my body is telling me.

That covers it, I think.  I will finish with a few disclaimers though:

• I AM medicated.  I forget things.  Often.  Please tell me the same story 3 times.  It will give you opportunities to perfect it.  Just make sure that they aren't funny stories for the time being.
• My summer is kind of blown.  I'll do what I can to make sure the kids have fun, but I am not submersible for at least a couple of months.  I am kind of sad about this.
• My sleep patterns are completely messed up since coming out of surgery.  It makes my powers to forget even stronger.  It also makes me down right loopy.
• All of this makes me emotional.  I'm an overwhelmed, once again, with your love, support and prayers.  I seriously love you guys.

Hospital Update

Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors. I am working on this at 4:45 am.  Why 4:45 am?  Because that's when hospital staff starts their days.  That's when the nurse needs to do something.  That's when the x-ray tech comes in to get my chest x-ray.  So, Good Morning! We're all awake now!

I just thought I could send out a note for everyone that explains a little more thoroughly what's been going on since I got here. In my last post, I had mentioned that on Wednesday, the 8th, I woke up with bad shoulder pain.  You can read more about that HERE.   One week later, I was on the phone with my mom when even worse pain hit.  Mom summed it up very nicely in a Facebook post that said: "she [that'd be me, Jessica] experienced a strangulated hernia. What we NOW know is that her diaphragm was slightly torn 2-1/2 years ago in the car wreck. It went undetected at that time. Over time, the tear slowly increased and a small pocket of her stomach herniated through it. The hernia probably happened a couple of weeks ago (possibly even before that). Then yesterday morning, the small part of the stomach ruptured. It was instant excruciating pain and difficulty breathing. She had emergency surgery yesterday evening and she's now recovering in ICU with an uncomfortable drainage tube and a lot of residual pain. To manage the pain better, they just put in an epidural so she doesn't have to have as much opioid medication. She is VERY fortunate that only a small amount of stomach had to be cut out (golf ball size at most) and infection had not set in and no feeding tube had to be put in. This could have been so much worse. Pain management will be the big deal, and she is anxious to eat, but nothing by mouth for a couple of days."

Since then, I've learned more, can elaborate a little more and can explain what they have planned for me over the next couple of days.  Some have asked if the shoulder issue and the hernia were related.  The answer to that is, yes.  I do have a collar bone that is no longer attached to my shoulder, but the pain nearly two weeks ago was "too much" to be just that.  What I know NOW is that the diaphragm refers pain to the shoulder.  For anyone who has experienced gall bladder pain or issues, this may sound familiar.  The gall bladder will make your shoulder hurt, too.

With these sort of situations, it is very hard for a doctor to guess exactly when everything took place.  Even though I was here last Friday and received x-rays, the hernia did not show up.  My case isn't something that walks into ERs every day.  Do they happen? certainly.  My first nurse in the ICU said that in his 10 years, he's seen 1 case like mine.  They were finally able to see what was going on with a CT scan of the chest.  That's when they made the decision to have the emergency surgery.  The cardio-thoracic surgeon assigned is spoken of in the highest regards.  He was very detailed in his explanation of this surgery and was still humble enough to say, "Ya know what? I don't do a whole lot of these. I'm asking for another big gun to take the reigns on this."  Maybe that's not a direct quote and I could be paraphrasing.  Either way, I really, REALLY respect him for that.

What they saw in the CT was the strangulated hernia.  What they also knew was that they were going to require a scope down my throat to decide on the best way to operate.  For the CJ Hood's of the world and anyone else wanting to grow up to be a surgeon, that type of scope is called an endoscopy.  That was surgical phase one.  That gave them the ability to see how much of the stomach had herniated and decide whether they were going in through my side/rib cage or from the front, abdominal area.  What's the difference and why?  I am not not sure.  I do know that they preferred the side and got what they wanted.

This is the part that gets detailed and we will be discussing guts.  If you ask me later what happened, and I say "It was in my blog" and you tell me that you thought it was gross, I will tell you that my verbal response will no different.  So, let's chat about GUTS!  The CT scan showed stomach.  After getting in there, they discovered that my omentum had herniated the diaphragm with a small portion of my stomach.  I would like like to explain omentum to you in the same way my surgeon did.  It is the ...... Wait for it.... fatty curtain  *OH YEAH*  that surrounds our abdominal area.  When it sensed that my stomach was in danger, it went to its rescue.  

The small piece of my stomach that had made it through had also ruptured and what we know now is that is where my sudden pain came from.  As everyone knows, stomach contents don't belong in chest cavities and this created some issues.  The hole in my diaphragm was about the size of a golf ball when he went in initially.  He had to clean up the stomach contents, cut away and clean up the part of the omentum that was necrotic, then cut out the part of the stomach that had ruptured, which was about the size of a knuckle.  Once he was finished with the clean up, he had to open up the hole in the diaphragm a little more to push everything back into the abdomen.  Then he was able to sew up the diaphragm.

Scars are like tattoos with better stories

That, in a nut shell, was this past Wednesday. I came to ICU with chest tubes, a pain pump and they added an epidural.  It's not the kind you think of with pregnancies,  I can walk.  There is zero numbness or tingling sensations.  It's actually up higher.  So that it blocks the pain where the incision and the chest tubes are.

Here's a photo for ya.  What's on my back in the plastic wrap and tape that protect the epidural.  The top bandage is the incision.  The bottom mess of gauze and tape is the tube.  This bandage has grown each day and has started taking on a life of it's own.

Here is the hope for today.  I hope that the chest tube can come out.  There is no longer any more output.  Once that is out, the epidural can come out.  Once those two things are out, I can move out of ICU.

And the biggest of them all, as if this all weren't enough, once I am out of ICU, I can shower!
HOLLUHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

So say some prayers that this day goes smoothly.  I would really like for it to.  I do not expect it to happen without discomfort, bumps or hiccups, but I'd really like a shower.  If all goes well, I will be headed home Monday or Tuesday.  More news to come of release.  Meanwhile, I love you all so much and I'm so grateful for the outpouring of love and support.  I have the best people in my life.  HANDS DOWN!!!!!


Just a side note for everyone.  It took me almost 2 hours to post this.  It's 6:35.  I think I'm about to see some doctors!!!!

Rainstorms and Rainbows

So many things have happened this year... loss, learning experiences, love, pain, success, etc.
and it's Mid-May

For those that are closest to me, they know that this time of the year is hell.  I go from Bryce's D-Day directly into preparing for Dell Technologies World, which is the biggest event that we pull off at work.  My team specifically hosts the media and analysts at this event, and this all takes place in Las Vegas.  Las Vegas should be everyone's clue as to how big this thing really is.  It consumes your life for the months leading up to it.  Once again, it was a successful event, but that's not necessarily what I'd like to write for this entry.

My Dream Team

Today, I want to write about all of the other things.  About a year ago, I went to my boss and said that I find myself more interested in the event side of my job and would like to move away from admin support for my executives.  Not that I don't LOVE my execs.  I was simply interested in taking my career somewhere else.  A couple of months ago, it was announced that my dreams were going to come true.  Event world.... HERE I COME!  Just in time for the biggest show of the year.

To say that is wasn't tough at times would be a lie.  To say that I might have been really frustrated a time or two would also be a lie.  The best part, however, is how much I learned through this.  My boss believed in me enough to give me an amazing opportunity to grow through this.  My lead was VERY patient with me when I didn't deserve it and fought back at times.  He might have wanted to kill me, but he never let on.  Krissy, my rock, my other half, the apple to my sauce.  There are no words for your ability to put up with me and help me keep my sanity.  The others on this dream team executed their parts perfectly and all deserve huge rounds of applause, too.

Then, just when I think that life can resume its regularly scheduled program, I wake up in agonizing pain.

BRIEF RECAP: I was in a devastating wreck 2 1/2 years ago.  Oddly enough, I never blogged about it, but I have my reasons.  There were many injuries.  One of which, my collar bone was disconnected from my shoulder.  This is not something that can be repaired medically.  Trust me.  I asked.  Every now and then, I'll sleep on it wrong or do something I shouldn't and it will bug me for a few days.

OK. Back to Wednesday morning!  I woke up crying and screaming so bad that my boys were completely freaked out.  They called Kyle to come over, because they didn't know what to do.  HEY!  I didn't know what to do!  I mean, it's 6:00 in the morning.  All anyone wanted was some cereal and a ride to school.  Neither of which I was able to provide that day.  I assumed it would get better.  It definitely did not.  Friday morning, my mother said, "Go to the hospital, child."  Clearly, my pacing the bedroom floor, crying to my ceiling, "Please, stop!" wasn't doing the trick.

GOOD NEWS!!!!  I wasn't having a heart attack.  After an EKG and a few x-rays, they sent me home with serious medications to get me through the pain and a steroid (DUH! STEROID! Why didn't I think of that?!!) to reduce the inflammation and remove the nerve pain.

I can't tell you how much it angers me to miss something because of this pain.  I missed out on singing at church this week.  Do you KNOW how much I love being a part of this worship team?!?!  I had to take a sick day to get to the hospital to figure this out.  Do you KNOW how embarrassed I was to tell work about this?!!

But my message today isn't about feeling sorry for me.  I never, EVER, want my physical ailments to be thought of as a limitation.
I will bust my wide fanny to be my best at this new opportunity that I've been given at work.
I will just lay down for a few minutes after leading worship at church, if I'm hurting.
I will dance and show off my amazing(ly bad) dance moves, regardless of how much I hurt for a couple of days after.
*Please Note: Dancing nor worship were cause for the shoulder flare up*

I will not allow this "thing" to rule my life.  I will not let anything suck joy from my soul.
I will sing.
I will dance.
I will work hard.
I will sit in the stands to watch my boys play games.  And let's face it, fan stands hurt everyone!
None of this defines me.  In the beautiful song that Jo Dee Messina sings, Bring on the Rain.  That's right!!  Bring it!  I chose joy!

God strategically and perfectly placed people in my life to pull me through my messes.  Bryce, who may not be here walking this Earth daily with me anymore, gave two little men who he reared for 9 and 11 years.  He taught them to love their mother.  Granted, it doesn't always happen daily.  At 12 and 14, they don't love and honor me when I say, "Clean your room" or "Do your laundry."  But when their mom was down for the count, they stepped up.  My work team has been beyond understanding of what this past week has been like for me.  Many, MANY, friends and coworkers have reached out to offer support, prayers and sweet messages.  Lastly, my sweet treasure of a man, Kyle.

My dad named it "The Momlet"

Kyle.  This guy has forced me to rest.  He has cared for and catered to me for days now.  Today, Mother's Day, he pulled out ALL the stops.  I woke up to a beautifully crafted omelet.  Then, immediately went to work helping me create a lunch for my mom.  We went to her house to make sure she could step out of her kitchen for a moment.  He hung her new curtains, because my dad is still recovering from surgery.  Afterwards, he came back to my house and immediately fired up the pit to start on ribs for my mother's day dinner.  This man is the sweetest, kindest, most giving man I could have ever dreamed up.  His heart is bigger than anything I've ever seen.

So, I say all of these things to say this:
Don't cry for me, Argentina!

I may not have a mansion and gold, but I am beyond rich.  My heart is so full.  Where Jo Dee Messina sings a pretty song, preacher John Piper truly explains it all in this post.  Here's just a piece of it:

2 Corinthians 4:17 says our "light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory." It doesn't say, "will be followed by an eternal weight of glory" - that would be good enough. That's not what it says. Katergadzomai - Greek for produce, prepare, cause to bring about.  I'll venture this: every millisecond of your pain - from fallen nature or fallen man - every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that suffering.

That's a very controversial statement - and I believe it. So, if anybody says to me that a believer's suffering was meaningless, I'm going to eventually come back and say, "It wasn't meaningless." I don't care if it was cancer or criticism. I don't care if it was slander or sickness - it wasn't meaningless, because 2 Corinthians 4:17 says that my light, momentary, lifelong, total affliction is doing something. It's doing something. It's not meaningless.

Of course, you can't see what it's doing. This is the main unseen thing 2 Corinthians 4:18 is talking about, I think. What's the unseen you're supposed to look at? You're supposed to look at the promise of God in verse 17 that says your pain is doing something for you. You can't see it. You can't feel it. Either you see it with the eyes of faith and believe it, because the text says it, or you lose heart.
           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even if that is difficult or grasp or tough to swallow, HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT?!

Maybe this entire post today is an apology.  I know that many of you have heard me complain. lots.
Complaints about money.  Complaints about my frustrations with kids.  Complaints because I've been so busy lately.  You know what?  Those are all just rainstorms.  We see plenty of those here in Texas.  Today, I see the rainbows.  I am rich!  Through the hardships at work, I have a team that believes in me.  My kids are just being teenagers, but they love me.  My parents are here with me in Lago now and I can love on them even more.  And my precious Kyle, he's always supplying me with rainbows.

I'll finish with this.  My faith allows me to see past the struggles and pain.  I know that today, I didn't just see rainbows.  I see that none of my suffering is meaningless.  It is producing a peculiar glory.... eternal weight of glory.  The best part of today, I didn't see the suffering.  The pain didn't matter.  I saw all of the beautiful things in my life.

The Three Year Mark

Here I go again..... another year of promising to post and write.  Another year of only writing on D-Day.  Maybe it's the only time of the year that I actually take time to just get it all out.  I need to do it more regularly.  Then maybe D-days wouldn't be so rough.  WARNING: If you're looking for happy, sunshine, life goes on crap...... you won't find it here.

This year has been a rough year already for so many people that I know because of loss.  Maybe that's why this year feels so sad.  Maybe it's always this sad.  I just know that I've been hurting for a couple of weeks, and I know for sure that it's because of March 4th and everything that it brings.  In all reality, every day life for me is really good.  Today, however, sucks.

I feel like I'm changing.  Change is good.  Despite my aversion to it, I am changing.  I fear that my changes are moving me away from Bryce.  Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day.  I love him still.  I am just not the same person today that I was when I was with him.  Even if those changes are for the better, I feel further removed from him and that makes me a little sad.  Would he be proud of the changes in me?  Would he still love me with these changes if he were here?  And the bottom line is, none of that even matters.  He's not here and that make me sad.

And even though there are changes in me, March 4th comes around and I am walking the same path that I did three years ago.  This morning I woke up and got ready for work.  Maybe it was a slightly different time than it was in 2016, but I know that I kissed him goodbye and told him that I would see him at his doctors appointment later that morning.  I don't remember if I kissed him after the doctors appointment.  Was that goodbye kiss before going to work my last kiss?

When I got to that appointment, we got bad news, then I went back to my office and wrote a blog post that said "I don't want to talk about it."  Even though I talk about Bryce all of the time, I rarely bring up the bad stuff.  The painful things.  The gross things.  The ugly, medical, sleepless, shit that we were dealing with in the last two months of his life.  I have flashbacks of that day all of the time.  This month, I can't stop thinking about walking around in his blood in my room after the helicopter left.

I'm not sure why this year feels worse than last year.  It's like it's the first year.  I am grateful that our weather is cold and crappy.  I am grateful that track and baseball have been canceled.  I am grateful that I can go home and just be alone after work.  But that's only for today. 

I am also grateful for all of the wonderful things happening in my life.  I am grateful for my smart, handsome, loving boys.  They keep me busy.  They're also in middle school.  So they get weird, but I'm hoping that fades.  I am grateful that I have Kyle and that he blesses me with his love daily.  I am grateful that I found him at 40.  We can truly appreciate each other in a way that I didn't know was possible.  I am grateful that my parents have signed on their house.  They officially have a home in Lago near me.  I am grateful for all of my friends and family that have loved me through this.

I've reached out to people who meant so much to him and reminisced at bit.  People have reached out to me.  I've even gotten a video of a friend telling a story of Bryce.  He was referred to as a legend.  He really was a legend.  I might be really, really funky today, but that's because Bryce was just epic.  Epic people leave holes.  I have amazing people that love me through this, but some holes can never be filled.  I wish I could see him one more time.  I wish my boys could get one more hug.  I wish we could hear his voice one more time.  I hope he knows that we love him.

Anniversaries: Good Ones & Bad Ones

It happened.  D-Day II came and went.  March the 4th will just never be the same for me.  There were quite a few sweet friends & family members that remembered the day and sent sweet thoughts, messages and even a poem my way.  We remembered the day by going to Buffalo Wild Wings, because Bryce loved it.

Many people said to remember him fondly and celebrate his life.  I do that nearly every day.  Some days come and there's sadness surrounding them.  But for the most part, I remember him and celebrate him all of the time.  D-Day is just different.  I remember the way he died in very vivid detail.  I remember where I was at different times of the day.  I remember that morning getting really bad news and thinking I would find a new way to heal him.  By the end of the day, he was with his maker.

Then there's today.  On March 6th, one year ago, I started my new job at Dell.  It's been a whirlwind.  It's been hard.  It's been fun.  It's been challenging.  It's been exhilarating.  I am surround by intelligent, wonderful people that are happy for my success.  It makes me want to do even better and learn even more.

I mostly wanted to write today to remember both of those events.  Even though I was completely funky on Sunday, I am also really happy about the fact that Bryce would be thrilled for me today.  He would have taken us all to eat as a family to the hibatchi grill or made me a wonderful meal.  He was always looking for a good excuse to eat delicious food.

We're coming into a very busy season with 2 kids in 2 sports each.  Bowen is running track and playing baseball.  AJ is working towards his 2nd degree black belt and playing volleyball.  I am helping to coach the volleyball team.  Oh.... and work is about to kick into high gear planning for some big events.  I may not be able to write much, but I wanted to get the anniversary blog out of the way.  Now I can go on being happy again.

So.... I say all of that to leave you with this beautiful gem of a photo that Keith Mayhew took a year ago.  Hilarious!!!  Everyone also say happy birthday to Keiffy.  He has his big day in a couple of days.

It's the New Style.... 4 & 3 & 2 & 1

I'm not sure if anyone is aware, but I haven't written in 10 months.  The last post was the one year anniversary of Bryce's death.  So many things have happened in 10 months, I couldn't begin to cover it in a single blog post.  I would like to address why I haven't written, however.

• I have a new job that keeps me VERY busy
• I have 2 boys that keep me VERY busy
• I'm a single mom
• In my downtime, I like to enjoy life with friends and family
• The rest of the time, I rest and enjoy any slice of quiet I can find
• Lastly..... guilt.

Let me explain the guilt.  Perhaps, that's not even the right word for it.  Perhaps, fear is what's holding me back.  Here's the deal.  I have a new boyfriend.  Actually, he's not that new.  We've been dating for 9 months.  Yup!  For the people doing the math, that's about 1 month after the 1 year mark for Bryce's death.  I haven't written because of the people that may not understand why I'm dating someone new.  Mostly, I/we get tons of support.  But I don't write, because I'll be writing about Kyle, too.  Who will that offend?  Who will unleash on me or him simply because I am a widow?  Will someone mutter ugly words to my children with their outrageous opinions of my relationship status?

MONTHS ago, my boss sent me a blog about a widows rage.  I finally read it today.  Why today?  Who knows.  She also referenced two other blogs: Sit Down & Shut Up and Loving 2 Men.  I beg you to read them, because they all say what I've been mumbling all along.  If you are married or single.... no wait, let me reword that..... If you have never lost your spouse, then you don't get an opinion on my love life mine was decimated.  That doesn't just go for me.  You don't get to have an opinion on ANY widows love life.  Until you can tell me when you lost your spouse, then you. don't. know.

Reading the words of other brave souls today helped me release something I've been holding on to for so long.  I was angry and agreeable at the same time.  I cried while reading them.  Maybe I cried, because I have walked in their shoes.  Maybe, it was because I miss Bryce still and Christmas Day was VERY hard for me.  And maybe, just maybe, I cried because I haven't allowed myself to express to the world what it feels like to be a widow that is dating again.  Clearly, I'm not the first blogger that wants to write through a spouses sickness, then the death of a husband.  I won't be the last to write my experience as a widow.  However, I will change my path forward.

I. Will. Not. Be. Ashamed. Of. My. Life.

My life.  My choices.

Don't get me wrong.  I will fail.  I will do wrong.  I will get up, dust myself off and try again.  And I have a God that allows me to do that.  I will continually get up and try to be better daily.  Was I knocked down?  yup.  The fact that I got up and put myself out there again IS OK!!!!  On the other hand, I never needed anyone's approval or permission either.

I WANT to write.  I want to tell you all of the details of my first summer water park trip with my kids after Bryce's death and my wreck.  I can't remember the last time we'd done something cool, but I know it was before Bryce died.  And Kyle was there for it.

I WANT to write about how weird it was to say I had a boyfriend.

I WANT to write about how we planted Bryce's tree from his ashes.  Kyle helped me.

I WANT to write that I still love Bryce, of course, but my heart grew and I love Kyle, too.

I WANT to tell the world how amazing Kyle is and how supportive and understanding he is about my constant grief and love for my husband that is no longer in this world.

and I will.

World,

Meet Kyle.  He's my "new" guy.  I still love Bryce.  If you have issues, please read the MUCH harsher words from other widow(er)s in the blog links above.  I will not hold back on writing about my life, which includes him.  I will be me and that involves him and his family, too.

He is good to me and my boys.  He loves God.  He works hard.  He's incredibly sweet.  He's funny.  He thinks I'm funny.  He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.  and he loves me.

Sincerely,

Bryce's Widow AND Kyle's Girlfriend

P.S.  this was my Scarlett O'Hara stubborn streak coming out