Ten Years of D-Days

I knew I felt weird last year when I said NINE years since I had lost my husband to cancer. I mean, it was almost ten, and that felt gross to me. Today is ten years and it is definitely a day of a lot of feelings. Ten years is a long time to not hear a person's voice or be in the presence of someone you chose to be with for the rest of your life. Because of Bryce's cancer and surgeries, it's technically been longer than ten since I've heard his voice. Yet I can still hear it.

Ten years of events he's missed and should have been here for. Ten years of parenting boys who tried me constantly. I guess I did a good job, because they still love me, they're doing well in college, and people around them like them. They deserved to have their dad see all of their accomplishments over the past ten years, but God had other plans.

Ten years of crazy world events that I would love to hear his perspective on. He was and still is one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.

Ten years of missing out on him making fun of me. Ten years of Groupon gifts I'll never receive. Ten years of not eating the food he would make. Ten years of missing a really great guy. Ten years of trying my hardest to love my boys through ten years of not having their dad.

Time is rude. Time is strange. Something can feel like it just happened and feel like it hasn't happened in forever, all in the blink of an eye.

Something I do is collect anniversary gemstones for each year he's been gone. People who have been to my house may not have any idea why I have a Lenox crystal bowl of rocks in my entryway, but I do.

"Welcome to our home" is plastered just above it. And people probably don't realize there's my bowl of collected memories just below it. That bowl was a wedding gift to Bryce and me, and I love that it's the place where I collect my rocks.

Fun fact: I've always liked rocks. AJ, our youngest, took a liking to rocks at a very early age, too. Even though he's off to college for his freshman year, I still have vases of his rock collection. I know that Bryce and I spent an incredible amount of time trying to shine rocks in a shaker thing that was a gift for AJ. It just seemed to fit that I would do this anniversary gemstone bowl of things. This year was crystal quartz. I found two in AJ's collection he left behind. So into the memory rock bowl they went. I have rocks the kids have painted. Some with words that hold deep meaning for me from another time and another place.

If you look closely, you'll see that the mother of pearl is a pair of clip-on earrings from my grandmother. Sapphire is represented in ring form—thanks again to Bryce's addiction to Groupon goods and his go-to for all gifts for me. There's turquoise from a necklace I never wore. The topaz, onyx, and tourmaline are the beads from bracelets. Whether it was something I purchased to be a polished pretty heart-shaped stone, a gift or hand-me-down from someone, or something from another jar of rocks, they were all once a part of this earth.

I have dark thoughts about the whole ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Then I remember in Ecclesiastes 12:7 that when the dust returns to the earth as it was, the spirit will return to God who gave it. It's easy to be sad today. I don't think that will ever go away. I know I'm lucky though. Even though I've been collecting a bowl of rocks for ten years, I had him in my life for fifteen. He gave me two beautiful boys. He taught us what fighting really looks like. And because he made the choice to believe, we'll see him in eternity.

I'm also lucky that God gave me the chance to love and be loved again. I'm thankful for the man who chooses to love me even on my sad days. My new husband isn't jealous of my love for Bryce, because Kyle knows that my love for him is completely different. God gave me a man who loves Jesus, loves my children, and loves me despite all of my weirdo tendencies. Including my cultivation of a big bowl of rocks.