In March of 2016, I wrote about the the last of my firsts when Bryce's first D-Day anniversary was coming up. Grief does strange things to the human mind and heart. When I lost Bryce, I had to feel the first of everything without him. When the first anniversary of D-Day rolled around, I was afraid that I would start to lose parts of him; memories, dates, the exact color of his eyes. I didn't want to ever forget. The beauty of grief is that you don't need a holiday to remember the ones you've lost. I just didn't realize it at the time.
My baby
My first born
My mini-me
The oldest of two reasons I chose to keep breathing in 2016
I think I've done an amazing job of avoiding how this really feels. Don't get me wrong... I have definitely faced this reality over the last year, but I am AMAZING at shoving these things down. I have tried to deny reality that in about a year, I will move this beautiful child out of my house and let him go be an adult. I've been training him for this his whole life, right? That's what we do as parents. We love them, teach them and pray for them to go be self sustaining people out in the world all on their own.
Tomorrow, I will attend a senior mom brunch. I was asked to pick out pictures for a slideshow. The request was anything from babies until now. Reality hit me when I found this gem
Yup. The first day of kindergarten. Holding his daddy's hand as we went up to the cross walk.
Bryce was an amazing father. He loved our boys fiercely. He fought for his own life fiercely, and he did so mostly for his boys.
Monday, I cried. HARD.
I have already started to think of all of the things that the boys will experience and accomplish and experience without having their dad there to see it.
Sure, we know that Bryce is watching from above, but Bowen will not walk across the high school graduation stage to look up and see his dad sitting in the bleachers. Bowen may not have held his daddy's hand to make their way into a building for Bowen's last first day of high school, but he also didn't get a choice in the matter.
Bowen has always been a delightful person. I am honored to be his momma. He's had some rough patches. He's been through some pretty terrible things. He's overcome some demons. He's proving to the world what I have always seen in him:
He is talented.
He is beautiful inside and out.
He is fun.
He is protective.
He is unapologetically himself.
He will fight until the bitter end for what he believes in.
When I was prepping him for his junior prom, I was punched in the gut. Leading up to prom, he had the worst attitude. The day came and he put on his first tux. He came into mine and Kyle's room asking questions about how things work with a tux while I was in the bathroom with one of my best friends. I turned around to see Kyle fixing his collar for him.
DONE!!!! That did me in.
I am so grateful that I have Kyle in our lives, but it really hit me in my momma heart. While Bryce will never be the one that is able to physically stand in front of our first born, I am still here. I got the honor of showing him how to add those strange tux buttons to a shirt that already has buttons. Bowen wore Bryce's monogrammed cuff links that night. I was able to teach him that he should always have a handkerchief on the inside pocket of his jacket. I told him that if Olivia started to cry, that's what you offer her. NOT the pocket square. I also told him that he better not be the reason for her tears or they'd better be happy tears. So, I gave him a hanky that was his dad's, also with dad's initials.
That's what it's about, right? God blesses us with these tiny little creatures that we grow in our bodies. They're so dependent on us for their every need. For the next 18 years, we love them, teach them, feed them, pray over them and let them go. We spend 18 years of our lives teaching them how to leave us. I've made the reference before due to another blogger. Boy moms experience the slowest break-up of all time. We do it willingly. I would do it all over again. One million times over.
Bowen Dale Stobb is the first of two incredibly amazing humans that I grew in my belly. I knew their personalities before they entered the world. Bowen kicked, moved and danced all day in there. He gave me heartburn before he ever took in air. While I enter into round one in the first of the lasts with my first born, I might need a little grace. I know that I need to feel all the feels. I know that I also don't want to be sloppy about it, but I'm sure I will be at times. Just give me grace, maybe even a hanky.
As for you, Bowen Dale Stobb, be true to yourself. I know that you don't see how much of a leader you are, but you are. It's just who you have always been. Be true to yourself. Remember what's right. Love the Lord fiercely and know that He will never leave you. Shake a man's hand like a man, but not so hard that he feels challenged. Do everything respectfully, but never be a doormat. Love, and love completely. Know that your daddy is with you, because he is in you. He and I are incredibly proud of you. And remember what I have said to you for years..... go be amazing. #BStrong
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