Rainstorms and Rainbows

So many things have happened this year... loss, learning experiences, love, pain, success, etc.
and it's Mid-May

For those that are closest to me, they know that this time of the year is hell.  I go from Bryce's D-Day directly into preparing for Dell Technologies World, which is the biggest event that we pull off at work.  My team specifically hosts the media and analysts at this event, and this all takes place in Las Vegas.  Las Vegas should be everyone's clue as to how big this thing really is.  It consumes your life for the months leading up to it.  Once again, it was a successful event, but that's not necessarily what I'd like to write for this entry.

My Dream Team

Today, I want to write about all of the other things.  About a year ago, I went to my boss and said that I find myself more interested in the event side of my job and would like to move away from admin support for my executives.  Not that I don't LOVE my execs.  I was simply interested in taking my career somewhere else.  A couple of months ago, it was announced that my dreams were going to come true.  Event world.... HERE I COME!  Just in time for the biggest show of the year.

To say that is wasn't tough at times would be a lie.  To say that I might have been really frustrated a time or two would also be a lie.  The best part, however, is how much I learned through this.  My boss believed in me enough to give me an amazing opportunity to grow through this.  My lead was VERY patient with me when I didn't deserve it and fought back at times.  He might have wanted to kill me, but he never let on.  Krissy, my rock, my other half, the apple to my sauce.  There are no words for your ability to put up with me and help me keep my sanity.  The others on this dream team executed their parts perfectly and all deserve huge rounds of applause, too.

Then, just when I think that life can resume its regularly scheduled program, I wake up in agonizing pain.

BRIEF RECAP: I was in a devastating wreck 2 1/2 years ago.  Oddly enough, I never blogged about it, but I have my reasons.  There were many injuries.  One of which, my collar bone was disconnected from my shoulder.  This is not something that can be repaired medically.  Trust me.  I asked.  Every now and then, I'll sleep on it wrong or do something I shouldn't and it will bug me for a few days.

OK. Back to Wednesday morning!  I woke up crying and screaming so bad that my boys were completely freaked out.  They called Kyle to come over, because they didn't know what to do.  HEY!  I didn't know what to do!  I mean, it's 6:00 in the morning.  All anyone wanted was some cereal and a ride to school.  Neither of which I was able to provide that day.  I assumed it would get better.  It definitely did not.  Friday morning, my mother said, "Go to the hospital, child."  Clearly, my pacing the bedroom floor, crying to my ceiling, "Please, stop!" wasn't doing the trick.

GOOD NEWS!!!!  I wasn't having a heart attack.  After an EKG and a few x-rays, they sent me home with serious medications to get me through the pain and a steroid (DUH! STEROID! Why didn't I think of that?!!) to reduce the inflammation and remove the nerve pain.

I can't tell you how much it angers me to miss something because of this pain.  I missed out on singing at church this week.  Do you KNOW how much I love being a part of this worship team?!?!  I had to take a sick day to get to the hospital to figure this out.  Do you KNOW how embarrassed I was to tell work about this?!!

But my message today isn't about feeling sorry for me.  I never, EVER, want my physical ailments to be thought of as a limitation.
I will bust my wide fanny to be my best at this new opportunity that I've been given at work.
I will just lay down for a few minutes after leading worship at church, if I'm hurting.
I will dance and show off my amazing(ly bad) dance moves, regardless of how much I hurt for a couple of days after.
*Please Note: Dancing nor worship were cause for the shoulder flare up*

I will not allow this "thing" to rule my life.  I will not let anything suck joy from my soul.
I will sing.
I will dance.
I will work hard.
I will sit in the stands to watch my boys play games.  And let's face it, fan stands hurt everyone!
None of this defines me.  In the beautiful song that Jo Dee Messina sings, Bring on the Rain.  That's right!!  Bring it!  I chose joy!

God strategically and perfectly placed people in my life to pull me through my messes.  Bryce, who may not be here walking this Earth daily with me anymore, gave two little men who he reared for 9 and 11 years.  He taught them to love their mother.  Granted, it doesn't always happen daily.  At 12 and 14, they don't love and honor me when I say, "Clean your room" or "Do your laundry."  But when their mom was down for the count, they stepped up.  My work team has been beyond understanding of what this past week has been like for me.  Many, MANY, friends and coworkers have reached out to offer support, prayers and sweet messages.  Lastly, my sweet treasure of a man, Kyle.

My dad named it "The Momlet"

Kyle.  This guy has forced me to rest.  He has cared for and catered to me for days now.  Today, Mother's Day, he pulled out ALL the stops.  I woke up to a beautifully crafted omelet.  Then, immediately went to work helping me create a lunch for my mom.  We went to her house to make sure she could step out of her kitchen for a moment.  He hung her new curtains, because my dad is still recovering from surgery.  Afterwards, he came back to my house and immediately fired up the pit to start on ribs for my mother's day dinner.  This man is the sweetest, kindest, most giving man I could have ever dreamed up.  His heart is bigger than anything I've ever seen.

So, I say all of these things to say this:
Don't cry for me, Argentina!

I may not have a mansion and gold, but I am beyond rich.  My heart is so full.  Where Jo Dee Messina sings a pretty song, preacher John Piper truly explains it all in this post.  Here's just a piece of it:

2 Corinthians 4:17 says our "light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory." It doesn't say, "will be followed by an eternal weight of glory" - that would be good enough. That's not what it says. Katergadzomai - Greek for produce, prepare, cause to bring about.  I'll venture this: every millisecond of your pain - from fallen nature or fallen man - every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that suffering.

That's a very controversial statement - and I believe it. So, if anybody says to me that a believer's suffering was meaningless, I'm going to eventually come back and say, "It wasn't meaningless." I don't care if it was cancer or criticism. I don't care if it was slander or sickness - it wasn't meaningless, because 2 Corinthians 4:17 says that my light, momentary, lifelong, total affliction is doing something. It's doing something. It's not meaningless.

Of course, you can't see what it's doing. This is the main unseen thing 2 Corinthians 4:18 is talking about, I think. What's the unseen you're supposed to look at? You're supposed to look at the promise of God in verse 17 that says your pain is doing something for you. You can't see it. You can't feel it. Either you see it with the eyes of faith and believe it, because the text says it, or you lose heart.
           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even if that is difficult or grasp or tough to swallow, HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT?!

Maybe this entire post today is an apology.  I know that many of you have heard me complain. lots.
Complaints about money.  Complaints about my frustrations with kids.  Complaints because I've been so busy lately.  You know what?  Those are all just rainstorms.  We see plenty of those here in Texas.  Today, I see the rainbows.  I am rich!  Through the hardships at work, I have a team that believes in me.  My kids are just being teenagers, but they love me.  My parents are here with me in Lago now and I can love on them even more.  And my precious Kyle, he's always supplying me with rainbows.

I'll finish with this.  My faith allows me to see past the struggles and pain.  I know that today, I didn't just see rainbows.  I see that none of my suffering is meaningless.  It is producing a peculiar glory.... eternal weight of glory.  The best part of today, I didn't see the suffering.  The pain didn't matter.  I saw all of the beautiful things in my life.

The Three Year Mark

Here I go again..... another year of promising to post and write.  Another year of only writing on D-Day.  Maybe it's the only time of the year that I actually take time to just get it all out.  I need to do it more regularly.  Then maybe D-days wouldn't be so rough.  WARNING: If you're looking for happy, sunshine, life goes on crap...... you won't find it here.

This year has been a rough year already for so many people that I know because of loss.  Maybe that's why this year feels so sad.  Maybe it's always this sad.  I just know that I've been hurting for a couple of weeks, and I know for sure that it's because of March 4th and everything that it brings.  In all reality, every day life for me is really good.  Today, however, sucks.

I feel like I'm changing.  Change is good.  Despite my aversion to it, I am changing.  I fear that my changes are moving me away from Bryce.  Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day.  I love him still.  I am just not the same person today that I was when I was with him.  Even if those changes are for the better, I feel further removed from him and that makes me a little sad.  Would he be proud of the changes in me?  Would he still love me with these changes if he were here?  And the bottom line is, none of that even matters.  He's not here and that make me sad.

And even though there are changes in me, March 4th comes around and I am walking the same path that I did three years ago.  This morning I woke up and got ready for work.  Maybe it was a slightly different time than it was in 2016, but I know that I kissed him goodbye and told him that I would see him at his doctors appointment later that morning.  I don't remember if I kissed him after the doctors appointment.  Was that goodbye kiss before going to work my last kiss?

When I got to that appointment, we got bad news, then I went back to my office and wrote a blog post that said "I don't want to talk about it."  Even though I talk about Bryce all of the time, I rarely bring up the bad stuff.  The painful things.  The gross things.  The ugly, medical, sleepless, shit that we were dealing with in the last two months of his life.  I have flashbacks of that day all of the time.  This month, I can't stop thinking about walking around in his blood in my room after the helicopter left.

I'm not sure why this year feels worse than last year.  It's like it's the first year.  I am grateful that our weather is cold and crappy.  I am grateful that track and baseball have been canceled.  I am grateful that I can go home and just be alone after work.  But that's only for today. 

I am also grateful for all of the wonderful things happening in my life.  I am grateful for my smart, handsome, loving boys.  They keep me busy.  They're also in middle school.  So they get weird, but I'm hoping that fades.  I am grateful that I have Kyle and that he blesses me with his love daily.  I am grateful that I found him at 40.  We can truly appreciate each other in a way that I didn't know was possible.  I am grateful that my parents have signed on their house.  They officially have a home in Lago near me.  I am grateful for all of my friends and family that have loved me through this.

I've reached out to people who meant so much to him and reminisced at bit.  People have reached out to me.  I've even gotten a video of a friend telling a story of Bryce.  He was referred to as a legend.  He really was a legend.  I might be really, really funky today, but that's because Bryce was just epic.  Epic people leave holes.  I have amazing people that love me through this, but some holes can never be filled.  I wish I could see him one more time.  I wish my boys could get one more hug.  I wish we could hear his voice one more time.  I hope he knows that we love him.

Anniversaries: Good Ones & Bad Ones

It happened.  D-Day II came and went.  March the 4th will just never be the same for me.  There were quite a few sweet friends & family members that remembered the day and sent sweet thoughts, messages and even a poem my way.  We remembered the day by going to Buffalo Wild Wings, because Bryce loved it.

Many people said to remember him fondly and celebrate his life.  I do that nearly every day.  Some days come and there's sadness surrounding them.  But for the most part, I remember him and celebrate him all of the time.  D-Day is just different.  I remember the way he died in very vivid detail.  I remember where I was at different times of the day.  I remember that morning getting really bad news and thinking I would find a new way to heal him.  By the end of the day, he was with his maker.

Then there's today.  On March 6th, one year ago, I started my new job at Dell.  It's been a whirlwind.  It's been hard.  It's been fun.  It's been challenging.  It's been exhilarating.  I am surround by intelligent, wonderful people that are happy for my success.  It makes me want to do even better and learn even more.

I mostly wanted to write today to remember both of those events.  Even though I was completely funky on Sunday, I am also really happy about the fact that Bryce would be thrilled for me today.  He would have taken us all to eat as a family to the hibatchi grill or made me a wonderful meal.  He was always looking for a good excuse to eat delicious food.

We're coming into a very busy season with 2 kids in 2 sports each.  Bowen is running track and playing baseball.  AJ is working towards his 2nd degree black belt and playing volleyball.  I am helping to coach the volleyball team.  Oh.... and work is about to kick into high gear planning for some big events.  I may not be able to write much, but I wanted to get the anniversary blog out of the way.  Now I can go on being happy again.

So.... I say all of that to leave you with this beautiful gem of a photo that Keith Mayhew took a year ago.  Hilarious!!!  Everyone also say happy birthday to Keiffy.  He has his big day in a couple of days.

It's the New Style.... 4 & 3 & 2 & 1

I'm not sure if anyone is aware, but I haven't written in 10 months.  The last post was the one year anniversary of Bryce's death.  So many things have happened in 10 months, I couldn't begin to cover it in a single blog post.  I would like to address why I haven't written, however.

• I have a new job that keeps me VERY busy
• I have 2 boys that keep me VERY busy
• I'm a single mom
• In my downtime, I like to enjoy life with friends and family
• The rest of the time, I rest and enjoy any slice of quiet I can find
• Lastly..... guilt.

Let me explain the guilt.  Perhaps, that's not even the right word for it.  Perhaps, fear is what's holding me back.  Here's the deal.  I have a new boyfriend.  Actually, he's not that new.  We've been dating for 9 months.  Yup!  For the people doing the math, that's about 1 month after the 1 year mark for Bryce's death.  I haven't written because of the people that may not understand why I'm dating someone new.  Mostly, I/we get tons of support.  But I don't write, because I'll be writing about Kyle, too.  Who will that offend?  Who will unleash on me or him simply because I am a widow?  Will someone mutter ugly words to my children with their outrageous opinions of my relationship status?

MONTHS ago, my boss sent me a blog about a widows rage.  I finally read it today.  Why today?  Who knows.  She also referenced two other blogs: Sit Down & Shut Up and Loving 2 Men.  I beg you to read them, because they all say what I've been mumbling all along.  If you are married or single.... no wait, let me reword that..... If you have never lost your spouse, then you don't get an opinion on my love life mine was decimated.  That doesn't just go for me.  You don't get to have an opinion on ANY widows love life.  Until you can tell me when you lost your spouse, then you. don't. know.

Reading the words of other brave souls today helped me release something I've been holding on to for so long.  I was angry and agreeable at the same time.  I cried while reading them.  Maybe I cried, because I have walked in their shoes.  Maybe, it was because I miss Bryce still and Christmas Day was VERY hard for me.  And maybe, just maybe, I cried because I haven't allowed myself to express to the world what it feels like to be a widow that is dating again.  Clearly, I'm not the first blogger that wants to write through a spouses sickness, then the death of a husband.  I won't be the last to write my experience as a widow.  However, I will change my path forward.

I. Will. Not. Be. Ashamed. Of. My. Life.

My life.  My choices.

Don't get me wrong.  I will fail.  I will do wrong.  I will get up, dust myself off and try again.  And I have a God that allows me to do that.  I will continually get up and try to be better daily.  Was I knocked down?  yup.  The fact that I got up and put myself out there again IS OK!!!!  On the other hand, I never needed anyone's approval or permission either.

I WANT to write.  I want to tell you all of the details of my first summer water park trip with my kids after Bryce's death and my wreck.  I can't remember the last time we'd done something cool, but I know it was before Bryce died.  And Kyle was there for it.

I WANT to write about how weird it was to say I had a boyfriend.

I WANT to write about how we planted Bryce's tree from his ashes.  Kyle helped me.

I WANT to write that I still love Bryce, of course, but my heart grew and I love Kyle, too.

I WANT to tell the world how amazing Kyle is and how supportive and understanding he is about my constant grief and love for my husband that is no longer in this world.

and I will.

World,

Meet Kyle.  He's my "new" guy.  I still love Bryce.  If you have issues, please read the MUCH harsher words from other widow(er)s in the blog links above.  I will not hold back on writing about my life, which includes him.  I will be me and that involves him and his family, too.

He is good to me and my boys.  He loves God.  He works hard.  He's incredibly sweet.  He's funny.  He thinks I'm funny.  He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.  and he loves me.

Sincerely,

Bryce's Widow AND Kyle's Girlfriend

P.S.  this was my Scarlett O'Hara stubborn streak coming out

The Last of the Firsts

When you lose someone close to you, you are told that all of the firsts will be the hardest.
The first birthday..... his and mine
Our Anniversary
Christmas
Mother's Day
Father's Day

All of them

I've had a case of the doldrums since a couple of days before Valentine's Day.  I was hell bent on being miserable that day.  Which is completely ridiculous since we didn't make a fuss on that day, but I wanted to be mad, or sad, or whatever emotion I could be that was not pleasant.  People, new and old, in my life made that pretty hard by doing some really sweet things for me and the boys all day.  Mostly, I think I knew what February 14th represented.  It meant that Bryce's D-Day was looming.  I was 17 days away from the last of my firsts.

And for about 2 weeks, I keep coming back to what was going on leading up to the days that he died.  Then, I keep remembering where people were when it was happening.  I have been reliving all of the details of the whole day.  It was Friday, March 4th, 2016.  That morning, Bryce and I had been at his oncologist office.  They told us that he was being removed from the clinical trial, because it wasn't working.  We already knew it.  I didn't want to talk about it though.  I didn't want to think about it for just one afternoon.  So he went home and I went back to work.  We all left the office at 1:00.......
I was eating crawfish and having a beer with co-workers when I got the phone call that Bryce was spurting blood from his trachea/stoma.  I knew in that moment that there was nothing I could do to stop it, but I had to try.  All that mattered was getting to him.
I ran.  RAN.  out of Sam's Boat and straight to my car.  My friend and co-worker, Monica, chased me down to tell me to drive carefully and keep a cool head.  I didn't listen.
I remember yelling at my mom on the phone while I drove 100 mph in rush hour.  The only words I remember in that conversation were me yelling "Come here!"  and she cried back "I am!  I am!  As fast I can"
I was absolutely hysterical.  Screaming and crying in the car alone.  Somewhere in the drive, my hysteria stopped for about 2-3 minutes.  Calmness and peace washed over me for those fleeting moments and I said out loud, "You're gone, aren't you?  This is you leaving me, isn't it?"
The hysteria returned.
I remember leaving my car at the end of my blocked off street and running to the helicopter sitting in my cul-de-sac.  A cop stopped me.  Bryce was already on it......I didn't make it in time.  I am late to something else.  again....
Thank God his mother was on there with him though..... He's not alone.....
I remember that I walked into my room where it looked like a massacre had occurred.  I was bare foot in my husbands blood....Where are my shoes?....
I went to AJ's room where he was playing with Bryce's cousin, Kari, to tell him that I was here.  I sat on the floor and held him...... I will have to tell him that his dad is dead.  Not, yet, though.  Not, yet....
I remember that I sent Bowen to Denise's house to be with his buddy, Avery.  I didn't want him to come home to this....I need to get AJ there, too...  They're brothers.  They need to be together.....
Back in my room..... I need to find the DNR for the EMS guy....  Where are my shoes?.... There's so much blood...... There's no way he could have survived this, is there?.....  I'll never look at his mirror without seeing the blood spatter....
I remember Keith driving myself and Bryce's dad to the hospital.  Again..... rush hour traffic.  I yelled at Keith in that car about things that were irrelevant.  The three of us crying.
Jerrie called us to tell us that Bryce was officially gone.  She didn't want me to show up hoping for something different.....OK... you have to tell his dad, Jess.....
Then there was him.  My beautiful Bryce in that ER room.  He was already gone, but he was still warm.  His full and wonderful lips weren't blue.  I just wanted to crawl into the bed/table with him.  I tried.....It's not wide enough for us.  Come to think of it, this is either really narrow or Bryce is really big.  My husband that has been diminishing from cancer now looks HUGE on this table.....
I held his hands.  I cried on him.  Then I finally had enough of them not cleaning him up.  He had been covered in his own blood and knotted up undershirt for too long.  I started dipping kleenex in my styrofoam cup of water to clean his hands and face myself.  Someone in the room asked again when he could be cleaned up.....Just get the damn tube out of him!!!!!.....
I yelled at my mother in law.  I yelled at my preacher.  Then I bailed out.  I couldn't do it anymore.
My head hurt.  My preachers wife rubbed my dirty feet.  My mom and dad got there.
Then everything starts getting blurry.  The pain of all of it causes time to not make sense.
My best friend held me until I feel asleep. again.

Why am I reliving this?  There's a sick part of me that doesn't want to forget a single detail of that day.  But that's what life is, right?  It's not all sunshine and rainbows.  To understand the beauty of a rainbow, you have to accept the storm for its hand in it.

I said from the beginning that I wasn't ever going to pretend that Bryce was always perfect.  That's one of the things that made him great though.  He said inappropriate things to everyone.  Literally everyone he met.  He was rude.  We fought and he would be a complete asshole sometimes.  There were some real ass hat decisions he would make that would cause me to shake with anger.  But.... there's not a single person in this world who was putting up with my bullshit when he met me.  He didn't either.  He was the only person on God's green Earth that would put an end to my shenanigans. And I was the only one that would tolerate and squash his.  He was the most stubborn person I had ever met and I loved it.  He challenged me in a way that I needed more than air.  He sustained me like air.  When he left this world, it knocked the air right out of me.

The further away from his dying day I get, the more afraid and bold I become.  It's a bizarre place to be.  I'm moving on with my life.  I think I'm ready to put myself out there again.  Then his D-Day approaches and I want to consume my mind with all of the ugly details.  I want to relish in all things Bryce; the good, the bad, the ugly and the deliciously beautiful things that made up Bryce Alan Stobb.

Saturday, March 4th, 2017, marks 1 year since I was late to his departure from Earth.  I won't be pleasant tomorrow.  I will, however, be forced into public for a little while in the morning.  The rest of the day though, I will be drowning myself in my tears.  I want it that way.  For whatever reason, I just want to be surrounded in all of the ugly memories.  It makes the beautiful memories even prettier.  It makes his life big again.  It reminds me to live boldly every other day, because he damn sure did.

Endings and Beginnings

I know that the New Year's post should have come days ago, but I've been trying to figure out what to say.  While I am trying to sum up 2016 and thinking of what direction to go with it, I realize that I have too much to say about the past year.  There were SO many things.  So many bad things.  Life altering, horrific, awful things.  There were also good things.  Then I think to myself, "Am I doing it again?  Am I doing that thing where I refuse to believe the bad things are actually happening?  Am I forcing myself to just deal with 'it' another day?"  People say that I'm strong.  I usually reply that this isn't strength, it's just tolerance.

There were some good things though.  In trying to process the past year, I've been forced to process it from home.  If you haven't heard the news, see previous blog post about my wreck.  The one thing I failed to mention in that post was that I did have a T11 fracture on the body of my vertebrae.  So, for the months of November and December, I was just laying around, trying to focus on getting better and for all of the rest of the minutes..... I was processing.

So, here's what I've decided.  2016 couldn't finish fast enough for me.  Good Riddance! Hasta Luego! Ciao!!  Even if all I had to deal with was the death of my husband and nearly being killed in a car wreck, I feel like that makes for a pretty rough year.  There were other little things, too, but listing all of the bad things is pointless.  Especially, when there's so much more to look at that could be something beautiful.  Lemons to lemonade, right?

Let's start with the fact that I'm a widow.  It's weird to say it, but it's a fact.  I don't like that word.  I will refer to myself as a single mother.  I'm learning how to do that and think I'm doing OK.  Then when I say it, it sounds like my marriage ended.  Did it?  I am no longer married.  I am a widow.  I just happen to still be in love with my husband.  He's not my ex-husband.  He just died.

As if just dying is something simple.

Either way..... his life ended.  That was one of the biggest endings 2016 handed me.  I grieved for a minute.  I helped my kids grieve.  Then, I even helped many of our friends grieve him, too.  I stopped grieving and started moving on with life.  I had a job and baseball season was kicking in for my 9 and 11 year old sons.  As soon as that's over, summer is happening.  Summer for us was absolute chaos.  I started waking up wondering where I was and wondering if my kids were with me or off with a relative or were we together visiting people.  Fall comes.  School starts.  And we're fully in the throws of football season.  Chaos.

The day football ended was October 30th.  I got in that wreck on October 30th.  I might have minimized the gravity of this atrocity.  Two more lives ended.  Just like that.  And mine should have too.  A person that breaks all of the ribs on their left side dies.  Why?  Because they puncture the heart, the lungs, all of the precious things.  Three people have referred to me as a walking miracle.  One doctor told a friend of mine at the hospital that I was VERY lucky.  Another doctor told me at my follow up that a person with an ISS (Injury Severity Score) as high as mine when I was admitted also has a high mortality rate.

After more than a week, I went home.  There, I started processing the wreck, Bryce's death, what my future is supposed to look like, and a lot of wondering what God has in store for me.  One thing that I quickly figured out is that one of my good friends, Micka, was apparently in cahoots with my therapist about how I hadn't fully grieved for Bryce.  I never allowed myself the time or the energy.  I have grieved more in the past two months than I did for the first six.  Heck.... I grieved more in the first two weeks after getting home, than I did in all the time before.

My mom moved in with me after the wreck to take care of me.  Home Health Care never showed up, so she did EVERYTHING for me.  At 39 years old, I needed more help than I ever thought possible.  It was humbling to say the least.  While she did everything from bathe me to taking care of my kids, I was left to be in my head a little too much.  A well known fact about my mother is that when she is anxious, worried, frustrated, just plain scared or incredibly overwhelmed (& the boys and I were incredibly overwhelming), she cleans.  She cleans and cleans and organizes and cleans again.  I could swear that all of the laundry would be done, but she'd manage to find more.  That washer and dryer never stopped.  One day, she scrubbed my front door.  That's not even something I knew I was supposed to be doing!! So in this cleaning and organizing, she tackled the things that I was aware of.  I needed more space for my clothes.  I have space, but it's filled with Bryce's things.  So.... she gently persuaded me to put one of his drawers and one shelf of things into a bin.  I finally threw away his underwear.  Even that made me cry.  But finally.... grieving was happening.  Grieving brings healing during a time when I was working very hard on healing both inside and out.

After all of these things, I could see myself starting to fall into an angry place.  A dark place.  My body hurts.  Will I ever heal?!  My left arm has nerve pain.  Will I ever play the piano again?
And you know what?  I got mad at the driver of that car.  I even got mad at his wife.  The one and only other survivor.  The one that lost her husband and one of her best friends on the same night.  The mother to my youngest sons best friend.  What did she do wrong?  She wasn't driving.  Time and a good conversation with her started to heal my heart and mind.  As amazing as our small community is, it's still small.  And in a small community, there will always be gossip and lies.  The bottom line is that she and I are friends.  We were friends when we got into that car and we are friends today.  Our sons are still best friends.  As for the lies and gossip, she and I have promised to always be honest with each other.  Our versions of the wreck are vastly different.  We literally had different points of view.  She and I both agree on that.  The bottom line is this:

She and I will walk away from this still loving each other.  Perhaps, we can teach a small town how to love and just keep their mouths closed.

All of those things sound bad.  2016 dealt out it's share of stumbling blocks.  In true Jessica form, the Scarlet O'Hara in me kicks in.  All of the bad things can be dealt with another day with a quick "Fiddle Dee Dee."  If I look on the bright side of things, 2016 handed me a few good things, too.  Anytime something comes to an end, it means it's the beginning of something else.

This wreck tore my body up pretty badly, but I know I WILL get better.
I am grateful for every day that I have on this Earth with my boys.
I will never take another day for granted.
I will love harder.
I will kiss my boys more.
I will hug my friends every time I see them.
I will sing God's praises and thank him every day for allowing me to raise my boys.
I will thank God for the friendships that are forming through this tragedy.
I will help those around me with the selflessness shown to me and my family.

This wreck ended the lives of two people.  God's grace allowed me to be here.
2017 is the beginning of me starting to comprehend the depths of God's grace and mercy.  I know I will never fully understand it, but I am fully understanding that this is exactly what I'm being shown.

I will miss Bryce every day until I am reunited with him.  However, I'm always one day closer to being with him again.  Every day that passes is one day closer to seeing him.  I hate that cancer took him from me.  I hate that cancer left my children fatherless.  But as his life was coming to an end, he fully started to grasp God's love for us.  He accepted Jesus as his Christ and Savior.  Cancer gave this whole family a glimpse into hell.  But I can also thank cancer for giving me the knowledge that Bryce is whole again in heaven.

So my marriage ended? or however you want to say it.  I feel super old while I heal.
But that's what happened in 2016.  I can smile looking at 2017.  I have an incredible amount of hope looking forward.  There's something in the air that feels like I can do whatever I want.  Mostly, I want to live happily.  I want to love people around me.  Mostly, I want to spend as much time as I can with my kiddos.  And I think I have the permission to do so.

New Year's Day... woke up right after I'd had a dream with a Bryce appearance.  There were booths or tents?  I was there with girl friends and it was coming to a close.  Bryce had been sick all day & wasn't with me.  The festival or whatever was coming to an end.  I was in a line for a glass of wine and my friends had walked off.  Bryce just walked up to me and said "Can I have the keys?" I hugged him. I kissed him. I laid my head on his chest.  He sort of chuckled & I asked what he was thinking.  He said, "Your friends..... They keep saying 'Hi, Bryce!"

I'm here to report to those of you that keep telling him hello, he hears you.  As for me, I'm glad he showed up on New Year's Day.  It was as if he was telling me that everything going on right now is OK.  We're all going to be OK.

And to the families of Jessica Mancilla and Jared Hunter, I am SO sorry.  I certainly don't have the words to take away your pain, but I don't know if I ever said that I am sorry for your loss.  I know how loved they were.  I like to think that maybe Bryce greeted them and showed them around a bit.

Breaking The Silence

Some have heard.  Especially those that live here in the wonderful community of Lago Vista.

Others may not know what has been happening for the past few weeks.  Here's the Cliff's Notes:

I was in an awful car wreck on October 30th.  The driver and another passenger died in the crash.  Myself and the driver's wife survived.  I'm not going into details of what happened here on this blog, but I will say that I'm lucky to be here typing this.

I want to let everyone know how thankful I am for the well wishes, the meal train, the gifts, gift cards, prayers and visits.  I am so grateful for every single one of you.

I know that my mom, dad and friends were sending updates while I was in the hospital, but those have come to a halt now that I am home.  For those of you who hadn't heard about the wreck, then here is the list of things I am dealing with:

Lacerated spleen and left kidney, all of my ribs on the left are broken (we have 12 on each side) and 8 through 11 were broken on the right, bruised lungs and a few vertebrae are fractured.  If you have heard of the transverse process, that's mostly what the damage is on the vertebrae.

The road ahead will be long, but I have the opportunity to do it.  And for that, I'll gladly do the work.  My mom is here with me to push me and help me get better every single day.  She is my rock and my hero!!!!  She's showering me, helping me in the bathroom (I'll save you the graphic details of this), charting the med schedule, sleeping in bed with me to get me meds in the middle of the night and that's just the basics.  There's SOOOO much more.  Yeah...... she's a total rock star!!!!

I'm in the bed a lot for now, but I have learned how to log roll to sit myself up ALL BY MYSELF! Then my mom is right there to get me in my back brace. Although my ribs are probably halfway to being healed, the combination of broken back and the amount of broken ribs has presented me with some issues.  I also have severe nerve pain in my left arm and hand.  I have no answers on that, yet, but will be looking for some VERY soon.  Anyhow.... mom gets the brace on me, then I'm set.  My exercises include 4 walks around my couch with a walker every day.  You know those breathing exercises at the hospital where you blow/suck air into a plastic thing to measure lung capacity?  I'm doing that, too.  And I have to sit in a chair braced up for a couple of hours a day total.  Yup.... super exciting things!!!

So that's where I'm at for now.  I will be getting my first car ride since coming home from the hospital on Monday.  Mom will pack me in safely in the back seat with the front seat moved forward all the way.  Then, we'll make the 5 minute drive to Lago Vista Physical Therapy.  Hopefully, they'll be able to provide me with a few exercises to get be back in action sooner rather than later.

That's about it for now.  Thank you again for all of your love and support.  It doesn't go unnoticed.  I love you all!!!!