Vacation Ends & Reality Begins

Hello to everyone out there.  If you are facebook friends with myself or the hubz, then you may have seen a picture or two along our epic journey.  It was seriously the road trip of a lifetime.  Stobb Family Tour had many ups and downs.  OK.... me breaking my ankle was the down of the trip and was sort of a game changer.  However, I didn't want to let it stop us from seeing some really, REALLY cool stuff.  My favorite was the entire sate of Idaho & Oregon.  Also Crater Lake, which happens to be in Oregon.

Crater Lake

When we left our home, we knew we wanted to see some people that we rarely get to see.  We had a couple of items on our list:  Dinosaur National Monument, Yellowstone, Giant Redwoods, etc.  What we encountered was SOooooooo much more.  Our plan was to not have a plan.  We'd wake up & decide where we were headed for the day.  Stay off the main highways and run into all the beauty that we possible can.  I feel like that was a success.  We also didn't necessarily mean for it to be a National Park vacation, but the first place we stopped was Capulin Volcano.  Bryce talked to the guy in the visitor center about his disability status.  As a result, he is able to get into National Parks for free.  AJ was REALLY into getting Jr. Ranger badges /patches at each of the parks we went to.  So, it became a thing.  And it was GREAT!!!!!!  Hopefully, Bryce and I will sit down and discuss each route and road we took.  Because I HIGHLY recommend it!  And 2 days after walking in the door, I left with the boys and headed for Houston to visit friends and my parents.

Now..... it was an AWESOME vacation.  We saw amazing things!  But truth be told, we were ready to come home.  It was time.  And even though I longed for home, I'd love to ride that high forever. Thank goodness for memories.  However, reality is starting to settle in again.  Bryce and I are reversing roles in the house again.  And because of the broken ankle, it's happening NOW.  He's cooking.  He's cleaning.  I'm looking for a job.  My job today (& everyday) is to FIND A JOB!!!!  It already feels weird.  I am sitting at the computer applying, updating and uploading while they scurry around me.  This does give me the chance to stay off of the ankle also, but it does feel weird.  I've even received my first rejection email!!!!  I'm on FIRE!!!!!!

The other thing that I'm really struggling with is my own mindset.  Bryce and I go to a counselor who helps us through this cancer stuff.  She's been able to identify for us that living with no stability is hard.  Cancer patients and their families have nothing they can rely on.  Bryce struggles with staying positive, hopeful & fighting for his life, while also preparing for the worst.  We both have thoughts like "is this the last time he sees this person."  He occasionally has thoughts like "is this the last 1st day of school I'm going to be here for."  Bowen is getting to play football this season because Bryce wants to make sure that he gets to watch him at least once.

YES..... we stay positive and fight for him live.
#BStrong
#PrayFightWin
Yes we live life to the fullest.  However, those thoughts do creep in every now and then.

This week, Bowen has started football practice and I will be signing AJ up for martial arts today.  I'm going to log on and search for jobs. The boys are supposed to be cleaning their rooms.  Actually, Bowen's is done.  AJ's will hopefully be clean(ish) by Christmas.  I'm going to try to get out and go swimming a little bit with them.  Unless I get on with a school district, it's my last summer with them.  That's starting to sink in.  But I am trying to stay positive.  I HAVE TO #BSTRONG!!!!

Next week, Bryce gets his next scan,  We'll go to Houston Wednesday night for early morning scans on Thursday.  Then Friday afternoon, Dr. P will give us the news.  We know he has the 2 spots on his trachea.  We just pray that they are dying cells and NOT GROWING!  Everything is up in the air until we talk to her.  Then once we do, we either have a get a plan or we get another 2 months of peace.

Until then........ we just will enjoy this summer.  We made memories that will last us forever.  Looking for our specific prayer requests?
For cancer to just GO AWAY!!!
For me to find a job
For mental and emotional states to remain calm

Love to you all!!!!!

Stobb Family Tour

Hello Friends & Family!  I bet you thought you were lucky enough to not see a blog from us.... not so much!  I'm going to start writing LOTS!
"WHY?!" you ask.  Because we doing super cool stuff & I would like it to be out there for the world to see!

But first, I'll send updates on Bryce.  One of the reasons we haven't blogged lately is because we didn't want to think about the pathology results.  A-N-D we still haven't told the boys.  During surgery there were 2 questionable spots on his trachea.  Whelp, it's officially cancer.  Both are so small that they did not show up on the pre-surgery CT scan.
1)  We pray it's already dead from chemo.
2)  We pray it can't grow through scar tissue.
3)  Pray.  Fight.  Win.

So yeah.... that wasn't what either of us wanted to hear.  But it is what it is.  He will have another scan in August.  We'll work around to talking to our boys about it this month.

In the meantime, we're on an epic roadtrip!  Bryce is officially going on disability.  I'll be the one bringing home the bacon soon enough.  But while we're both jobless, we're going to make some memories & have some fun.
We left this morning and we'll be back August 1st.  I stopped in Lubbock to see Texas Tech.  And we're continuing on to Dalhart where we're sleeping tonight.  It's a lot of miles on day 1, but there won't be too many days like this.

Overall, we're headed to Colorado, Yellowstone, Washington.  Then down the west coast and back to Texas.  Lots of pictures & tidbits are going to be happening while we're on our tour of the wild west!

But for today, we never made it out of our big, beautiful home state.

Post more soon!  Love to you all & thanks to everyone for the love & support you've given us!

P.S.  I did this on my phone & I've been fighting off a migraine all day.  I'm really trying to keep it together & I think I've done ok, but the typing might be off.

Therapy for Cancer

It doesn't matter that Bryce has had cancer for three and a half years.  It doesn't matter that we feel like seasoned vets at the time of surgery.  At some point, you start to crack.  Whelp, cracking has been happening all week.  I've been running around with my crazy hanging out and can't seem to get it tucked back in.  Bryce's brother, David, flew in on Monday to help us.  I had no idea what I needed help with until he was here.  THEN he was put to serious work.  Helped run boys around while we had appointments here and there.  Cooked us dinner while we were running around.  My wonderful sister-in-law, Ginny, sent him happily and told me to make to-do lists for him.  A-N-D it's their anniversary today.

Poor David got to see how nuts I really can be.  I had a very hard time keeping it together.  Bryce and I have the boys at a wonderful place called Wonders and Worries to counsel the boys through this process.  It is great for them AND free!!!!!  While we met with her the first time, she asked "What about you guys?"  We told her we were overdue.  She set us up with a counselor of our own that is paid for through Flatwater Foundation.  The boys have gone 3 times and we have gone 3 times.  We checked in Wednesday.  I feel like we did some real work too.  Here's what I got out of that:

I can't plan or schedule or control cancer.  It's pointless to try.  

Novel concept, eh?

I've been driving myself and everyone else around me absolutely nuts.  I've been awful.  Turns out, I can't control everything.  I should, in fact, learn how to be flexible.  *sigh*  So that's been the new goal.  Mission: Be Flexible

Early in the week, I just thought that I was a seasoned vet at this hospital stay stuff and I know EXACTLY what I need.  Then I'd find myself thinking THE dumbest stuff.

Ex.)  I get embarrassed when I have to use the facilities (if ya know what I mean) in his hospital room.  As soon as I'm finished, inevitably, his team of people walk in.  Solution:  Pack my scentsy room spray.  I thought I was a genius for thinking of bringing this stuff.  N

Farting Unicorn Sock Club: Dr. P, PA Monica & me

ow I'm mostly embarrassed that this is really what I was thinking of when I just needed to relax.

Here's the good news.  We all made it out alright.  Bryce is officially finished with his surgery and I'm waiting for him to wake up so they'll let me see him.  The surgery went about like they said it would.  There will be more news about that.  Knowing that I have so many people that have pitched in to help take care of us is awesome.  I am SOOOOO grateful.  Lastly, I wanted to add what I wrote on Bryce's blog earlier, just in case that was missed.

I'm putting on my most polite voice possible.  I LOVE that we are loved and supported.  I know that many people want to see him to show us love support.  Here are my requests though.  It will be our immediate families only through Sunday.  I'm sorry.  We have a big family and I will be trying to figure out when he likes to nap.  I want him getting rest.  LOTS of rest.  My second request is that visits are scheduled by myself.  Please text me and we will get you up here.  As much as we'd LOVE to throw a party and lift up my guy with praises and prayers, the rooms aren't very big.  And he needs to sneak in some naps during the day.  Again, I can't put into words how awestruck and moved we are by the well wishes, thoughts, love and prayers.  And having to put restrictions on people showing us some love feels very weird.  But it's best for him.  And the nurses.  The nurses get annoyed when we start getting rowdy and crowded in their work space :)  There's a part of me that delights in that.

I'm signing off and I doubt I'll be very available until I can get us tucked into our room.  I'm anxiously waiting to see my husband.  I want to kiss him.  I want him to be done with this stuff.  I Want cancer to go away.  I want all of these things.  I won't schedule them.  I'm going to try to be flexible.  

The Fear and Loathing

I haven't written in forever.  I think there are a couple of reasons for that.  We've been incredibly busy.  Baseball, chemo appointments, kidney stones and pulling a few shifts at the local coffee shop can eat away at your spare time.  But today, especially this morning, I've got nothing.  Bryce and I drove into Houston last night for some pre-op appointments.  This morning, I'm sitting in a room while he gets tests and scans run for a couple of hours.

Another reason I haven't written:  Anger.
And it's ugly.

I've said through this whole journey that I'm not angry.  I'd like to be, but I have no one to blame.  I don't have anything to be angry AT.  I've also said that anger is a masked emotion.  Anger is actually covering up another emotion.  It's easier to be angry than to show sadness, weakness, or in my case, fear.

Bryce and I don't like to think about the surgery that he's about to go through.  But I do know that over the past few months, I've become an angry person.  With each new recurrence, it gets worse.  I don't wear anger well.  I can blame it on lots of things.  In reality, I'm angry because I'm terrified.  I hate cancer.  I hate what it is doing to Bryce.  And in turn, what it's doing to me.

I want to blame cancer for everything now.  Cancer made me depressed.  Cancer made me fat.  Cancer made me angry.  No.  PISSED OFF!!!!!  But what it's really done is make me scared.  It makes me question too many decisions that Bryce and I have to make.  The conversations that we have are things that scare me so much that I want to throw up.

Then there's the part we're dealing with today.  Today he's getting all of his scans.  No big deal, right?
But tomorrow we get to hear the results.  Has the chemo worked?  Is there any shrinkage in the tumor?  Did it grow?  or worse......  Is there cancer anywhere else?  I LOATHE waiting to hear that part.  It's less than 24 hours away and I already can't stand that I have to wait that long.

But that's where we are.  The fear and loathing of cancer.

Hope Opens Doors

As many of you have heard, Bryce is back in the saddle again.  I write about the mushy feelings of the care taker/wife & he writes about his struggles with cancer.  He is far better about documenting the facts he's been handed as well.  More from him at bastobb.blogspot.com

This time around, I've have even more people saying "But how are YOU?"  That's a tough one.  I'm sure you've heard me mention Julie Koch Lyons before.  She became a young angel when melanoma finally took over.  I have contacted Brendan a few times during this process.  Although he & I weren't ever extremely close, he reached out to me when we started this and told me that he can answer any and all questions from the caretaker/spouse side of things.  The day we got the news that cancer was in Bryce's bones, I sent Brendan a really random facebook message asking "At any point in Julie's battle, did you know that she was going to die?"  I asked this because from my perspective, they NEVER gave up.  They always had faith.  They lived with hope constantly.  Basically, his reply was that they always had hope.  Even when circumstances seemed like they weren't going her way, they still loved God and held on to the hope that there was something out there that would pull her through.

The next day, we met with the surgeon again to go over the CT scan results.  Bryce bravely sat in front of them and said that he was willing to do anything, ANYTHING, to get rid of this.  He may have gave up before his surgery this past December, but he's not going to do that again.  When he and I were talking later, he told me that he knew what it felt like to live hopeless and he wasn't ever going to that place again.  I cried.  Tears that came from joy, sadness, confusion, all of it, but mostly joy.  Once he told the doctors that his goal was to get to 40 years old and he was going to fight like hell, we all let out a collective sigh and Dr. P said "OK.  Good.  Let's do this!"  And the doctors appointments started up again.

He's in Houston currently for many appointments.  We thought it would be yesterday & today.  However, as his secretary and scheduler, the phone calls have stated that he'll be there tomorrow for more appointments.  I'm getting calls from PA's & doctors that are busting their tails to fix my husband.  All he's ever wanted is to get the cancer OUT.  It looks like they are going to try for that again.  It means another surgery.  This will be the worst of the worst.  But what if it cures him?  Doesn't that make it the best?

So..... how am I?  I have good days.  The days where life continues on like normal.  I get the kids to where they need to be.  I do laundry, cook dinner, run errands, fiddly dee.  Then there's bad days.  2 days I didn't want to get out of bed and I cried all day while the kids were at school.  But I am clinging to hope and grasping on to my faith.  Honestly, how do people without faith get through these situations?  I saw this picture on facebook and thought that it basically nailed it. Somedays, I'm not feeling the badassery.  Other days?  Bring it on!  The day I sent that message to Brendan, I felt weak and completely overwhelmed.  He said some really amazing things to help me feel better.  He even helped override the feelings of guilt for ever asking the question to begin with.

For the past couple of weeks (or however long it's been since we got more crappy news), I thought a lot about faith and hope.

hope

hōp/

noun

1. 1.

   a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
2. 
   

But faith.... oh man.... FAITH!!!!!!

Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a being, object, living organism, deity, view, or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion.

Of course, I desire (feel hopeful) that he'll be cured.  But if I rely on my faith in God, by definition, I can feel confident that God is helping us through this battle.  It's even written in the Bible!!!!

Hebrews 11:1~Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

How beautiful is that?!?!?  All God needed to hear from Bryce was that he would do anything to fight.  Bryce begged his surgeons to give him a chance.  Bryce has hope.  He let the doctors hear it in his voice and this surgery is now possible.  Hope opens doors, people!!!!

I may have some bad days.  I may cry.  Some days, I'll cry more than others.  Sometimes, there will be tears and laughter in the same moment.  But I am so thankful that my faith and hope will get me through this.  It will do the same for my beautiful husband.

Additionally, if you see me moping, you have my permission to yell at me, "SUCK IT UP, NANCY!"  That's what I always tell me boys.  And they seem to be totally well adjusted little people.

Life After Lary

Bryce and I got in last night about 8:45 and immediately went to bed.  Yesterday was exhausting and extremely wonderful!!!  The latest news is that the CT scan was clear.  There was a little spot on a scar line that they took a biopsy of, but they feel confident that they are being overly cautious.  It's the spot where he places his electrolarynx to talk.  So it's likely just irritated.  But that's it!!!!!  He'll go back in 2 months for the next scan.

The surgeon actually walked up to us in the hallway while Bryce was weighing in to quickly let us know that it looked good.  WHEW!!!!!!!  I spent the first part of the time in our little room applying mascara.  I didn't want to look like a train wreck for the rest of the appointments if I couldn't maintain control of myself in this appointment with her.

From there we headed downtown for a string of appointments with the head and neck center.  First he saw Jodi, his speech therapist.  She is VERY pleased with his progress.  He picked up some new supplies to try out.  The stoma has gone through many phases during the healing process,so he needs new new and different things.  He was informed that he no longer has to wear a lary tube.  This is fun, actually!!!  It annoyed him.  So no more of that!!

There were great parts of this appointment, and a part that really made my heart hurt.  She wanted to see what he might sound like.  She wanted us to see if he could push air in a certain way to make some noise.  In order to do this, she puts a tube through his nose, down into his throat and asks him to say "AHHH."  NOW.... if you've followed his blog for a while, you'll know how much he HATES to have things shoved through his nasal cavity.  It causes him to gag. severely.  Watching this is painful for me.  I can see how uncomfortable he is.  His body violently shakes, tears start to flow, gagging, gagging, gagging.  I just want to start throwing elbows, rip the thing out and yell at them to leave him alone.  Instead, I sit on the edge of my seat, nails digging into my thighs and try not to tear up myself.  The good news is that after a couple of minutes, he was able to make noise.  We heard a little bit of his own voice.  After that... BOOM, it was over and we could both breathe again.

new supplies

That was all good, bad and ugly.  After he was calm again, he opened up his catalog and started shopping for stuff that he wants to try out.  It was funny.  It was like watching him browse through a catalog for new jeans or something.

The next visits were with the lymphedema people in the head & neck center.  First the guy that worked with fitting him with his new "jaw bra."  Then followed up with one of the ladies that taught us both how to retrain his body to move the fluids out of his neck/jaw area and into another lymph section to help relive him of the swelling that never goes away in his right jaw.

After all of this excitement we were headed for the appointments to remove his feeding tube.  The doctor walks in and lets him know that this was going to hurt.  A LOT.  But only for about a minute.  It was hilarious.  Bryce wasn't expecting that and nearly fell off the bed with laughter.  It was quick!  But it certainly wasn't painless.  She didn't lie.  His belly is a little tender today, but I CAN HUG HIM!!!!!!!  When we saw the boys, Bowen quickly asked Bryce if he could stop worrying about hurting his belly.  It made me think "Wow!!  The boys have had to do sideways hugs because of where their heads hit.  THEY can start to love on their daddy normally too!!"

So that was it.  And we rode off into the sunset to get back home.  It was actually sunset as we hit Katy/Brookshire area.  The sunset was gorgeous.  I think God painted the sky just to let us know:
Hey guys.... I got this!!!!

Mortality

1. 
   

   mor·tal·i·ty

   môrˈtalədē/

   noun

   1. 1.

      the state of being subject to death.

      "the work is increasingly haunted by thoughts of mortality"

      synonyms:

      impermanence, transience, ephemerality, perishability; More

   2. 2.

      death, especially on a large scale.

      "the causes of mortality among infants and young children"

      synonyms:

      death, loss of life, dying "the causes of mortality"

Maybe I'm a little shell shocked.  Three years of cancer can leave a person feeling weird.  This past year started with Bryce & I living separately while we started the process of selling a house, buying a house & him starting a new job.  Then came more cancer, surgery number three, more chemo, more radiation.  And I, with the help of my super organized mom, somehow managed to get all of our stuff up here the day after he finished his treatments last summer.  Just when we thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, more cancer.  No radiation, but more chemo and the fourth surgery.  This one leaving him without his voice.

A friend of mine dealt with her child drowning & fighting to live.  Even his doctors say there is no explanation for the miraculous recovery her precious son made.  She wrote recently that she thinks she's suffering a little PTSD.  Call it what you want.....  PTSD, shell shock, or maybe I'm just being melodramatic (I do have that tendency), but I am obsessed with death right now.

I'm 37.  I really don't care about age at all.  Some of my friends had breakdowns when they turned 30.  I couldn't wait to be 30.  I had been looking forward to that since I was 17.  Some of my friends have had multiple 39th birthdays, refusing to enter into the dreaded 40's, as they see it.  I really could care less.  Honestly!  But there's been a problem with me lately.  I'm afraid I'm going to die.  In 4 months, 1 week and 2 days, I will no longer consider myself in my mid-thirties.  I'll say late 30's for a couple of years.  Then it's 40 for me.  What is middle aged?  Is that 40?  Mid-40's?  Am I experiencing mortal obsessions because this is middle aged eve for me?

Let's face it.  We've all heard the stories of the healthy guy that dies of a heart attack in his sleep at 40 years old leaving the wife and two kids behind,  Well..... I am FAR from healthy.  I've started working out.  I'm trying to make changes to my meals and other things.  Then, after THREE DAYS of workouts, I freaked out on my husband for a full hour about having nothing to wear to a child's birthday party at a trampoline park.  ENRAGED that he would DARE try to look handsome while I was subjected to a closet full of clothing that makes me look like a pregnant woman in a sausage casing.  I mean..... I had worked out three times last week.  WHY was I still so FAT?!  Tears, stomping, cussing, throwing clothes, shoving the hanging clothes in my closet.  (Remember when I said that I had a flare for the dramatic?)  Then I decided to pull up my big girl panties and stop pushing the limits of my blood pressure.  See....... there it is again.  What if I die having this toddler fit about clothes?  It would HAVE to be a heart attack.  or perhaps an aneurysm.

Yesterday, I was just blah.  A fit of depression?  Just not feelin' it for the day?  I didn't know what it was.  I just didn't want to do it.  Any of it.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  Going to the grocery store was a task that was far beyond anything I was capable of.  Working out....  HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!  I tackled some laundry a little bit at a time.  Between loads, I'd find myself curled back up in bed with a book.  Losing myself in a book was FAR better than any reality I was ready to face.  Then, I finished the book.  As I started dinner, I started asking myself what my problem was.  "Jess, what are you avoiding?"  Then it hit me.

Bryce has a round of appointments on Thursday. I've told myself how excited I am about his appointments.

His schedule an hour ago (keep reading for the changes currently happening):

Drive to Hwy 6 for 8:00 lab work & 8:20 CT Scan

Drive to the medical center for a 10:00 follow up with speech therapy

11:00 & 1:00 lymphedema appointments to see about massage techniques & a wrap thing to get his swelling to go down

2:00 get the feeding tube removed

Drive to Katy to get the results of the CT scan & follow up with his surgeon at 2:30

I'm excited for many reasons.  I get some one on one with the husband.  I do enjoy that.  Hoping to learn some massage stuff to give his face some relief from the swelling.  That's exciting.  The PEG coming out?  YES!  YES!!!  YES!!!!!!!!  He isn't using it.  They tried to put off taking it out for another month.  I threw up a big stink and they're removing it now.  I let them all know (THREE TIMES!!!!) that he's not using it.  He passed his swallow test over a month ago.  The guy has had his cheeseburger and he's back at work.  Give the guy a break!!!!  So, they are taking it out.  I will be able to hug my husband fully.  I won't have to do that butt out maneuver in order not to press against it, in turn hurting him.  I am VERY excited about that.

BUT..... what hit me over dinner preparations had nothing to do with that.  It's what I've avoided thinking about.  He will hear what they see in the CT scan.  This scan will be his new baseline.  This will be what they see as his new normal.  We've done this 3 times already.  The first 2 were fine.  In and out.  Bada bing Bada Boom.  Then that last time.  I think it was in September?  meh.... this fall was all a blur.  SO yeah.  Let's go with September.  I was prepared for the in and out when the doctor walked in and said that there was a tumor.  This one means removal of the voice box.  This one means that you have to have surgery or he will die in a year or so.  This tumor is the one that will leave your family behind if he doesn't do something.  This tumor will cause him to completely check out on his surroundings until he has surgery.  This tumor will leave him hopeless.  This tumor will make his wife crack and yell a cuss word at the doctor.  This tumor will change everything.

Today, I'm forced to stay out of bed and into action.  MD Anderson has called with concerns about his crammed schedule.  I'm forced into cancer planning mode.  They need us there a day earlier now.... yeah.... tomorrow.  They need the scan done Wednesday so that the doctor can see him first thing on Thursday in Katy.  This means that we can get back home sooner on Thursday.  But it means I'm spending another night away from my kiddos.

I'm terrified of this appointment in Katy with the surgeon.  I do not want to go in unsuspecting this time.  I will try to brace myself for anything that she might say.  I am very hopeful!!!!  I really am!!!!  He's been feeling better after this fourth surgery than any of the others.  I just don't want to be blindsided again either.  I'm not sure if I can take another blow.  I guess my way of dealing with things (as I've mentioned before in a previous blog) is to not deal with them at all.  Today, I'm forced to deal with them.  At least peripherally.  I have to find out when the new scan on Wednesday is.  Then adjust kiddos accordingly.  Which means asking my mother in law to adjust hers too.

That's the thing about cancer.  Bryce has cancer.  Now everyone close to him is affected to.  My parents canceled everything to make sure we made the move up here while Bryce was in bed.  Bryce's parents drop everything all of the time to come up here to watch our boys while we go back to Houston for appointments.  My dad took days off work to be up here for our boys for the last surgery, so that Jerrie could be with her son in the hospital.  We all make sacrifices to make sure Bryce is supported during all of this.  And we'd do it all a million times over and over again to make sure of that.

Today, I am on a mission to get everything taken care of for the now day and a half we'll spend in Houston.  I don't want him to die.  That's the bottom line.  I need to get it together for him.  I will continue to try to adopt a healthy lifestyle for myself, for him and for our boys.  I will stop obsessing over my own death.  I'm actually a little bit thankful for the revelation.  Being scared of my own immanent death isn't healthy for anyone.  At least I know now why I'm thinking of these things.  I'm scared of the news we'll get in less than 48 hours.  I'm TERRIFIED!!!!!  As long as I can admit that, then I know how to handle it.

I think it was easier to be mean to myself about my health than it was to think about losing Bryce.  I will grow old with this man.  and 37 isn't old.  neither is 40.  I literally refuse to believe anything else. Big girl panties in place.  Bring it on!