I haven't written in forever. I think there are a couple of reasons for that. We've been incredibly busy. Baseball, chemo appointments, kidney stones and pulling a few shifts at the local coffee shop can eat away at your spare time. But today, especially this morning, I've got nothing. Bryce and I drove into Houston last night for some pre-op appointments. This morning, I'm sitting in a room while he gets tests and scans run for a couple of hours.
Another reason I haven't written: Anger.
And it's ugly.
I've said through this whole journey that I'm not angry. I'd like to be, but I have no one to blame. I don't have anything to be angry AT. I've also said that anger is a masked emotion. Anger is actually covering up another emotion. It's easier to be angry than to show sadness, weakness, or in my case, fear.
Bryce and I don't like to think about the surgery that he's about to go through. But I do know that over the past few months, I've become an angry person. With each new recurrence, it gets worse. I don't wear anger well. I can blame it on lots of things. In reality, I'm angry because I'm terrified. I hate cancer. I hate what it is doing to Bryce. And in turn, what it's doing to me.
I want to blame cancer for everything now. Cancer made me depressed. Cancer made me fat. Cancer made me angry. No. PISSED OFF!!!!! But what it's really done is make me scared. It makes me question too many decisions that Bryce and I have to make. The conversations that we have are things that scare me so much that I want to throw up.
Then there's the part we're dealing with today. Today he's getting all of his scans. No big deal, right?
But tomorrow we get to hear the results. Has the chemo worked? Is there any shrinkage in the tumor? Did it grow? or worse...... Is there cancer anywhere else? I LOATHE waiting to hear that part. It's less than 24 hours away and I already can't stand that I have to wait that long.
But that's where we are. The fear and loathing of cancer.
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