The Summer Mother Conundrum

co·nun·drum

kəˈnəndrəm/

noun

1. a confusing and difficult problem or question

2. a question asked for amusement, typically one with a pun in its answer; a riddle

There you have it folks.  And moms....I am mostly talking to you this round.  Summer has this appeal to it.  It seems like we'll all be vacationing more.  We'll relax a little more, because we have the time.  There's no school.  Schedules??  Pffffttttt...... WHO NEEDS 'EM?!

I am here to tell you.  I NEED THEM!!!!!!

I've had this mom gig for nearly 12 years now.  This is how our summers have worked:

• I was married and working.  I did the day care thing.
• I was stressed out.
• I was afraid that it wasn't the right decision because my kids were away from their parents all day
• I was married and not working.  So I did the summers with them myself while the husband worked.
• I was stressed out.
• I was with my kids all day trying to make them do chores and reward them with a dip in the pool
• Finding things to entertain them became an obession
• The lack of a schedule nearly destroyed us all.
• Last summer, I was married and neither of us worked.  So we road tripped for a month.
• I was stressed out about needing to find a job with insurance
• OK.... so that's about it.  Last summer was pretty great.
• This summer, I'm a single, working mother.
• I'm foundering
• I'm stressed out
• I have been shuffling my kids around for a month and a half
• I miss my kids
• They miss me
• I wake up in a panic "Where am I?"  "Where are the kids?"

This is what I've decided.  Summers really aren't as much fun as they're cracked up to be.  Another thing..... schedules are pretty important.  Not only do I thrive on one (and I've known this about myself for years), but my kids absolutely need one.  So far this summer, my kids of been with my parents, my sister in law, a lot of time with my mother & father in law.  They've seen some friends.  They've swam in some pools.  We've camped with our friends.  We boated, swam in a lake, had some fun for the 4th of July.  Monday, I was EX-HAU-STED!!!!!  Now, they are with my brother.  The week after that they'll be at home just chilling while I have my brother completing some construction on the house (***shameless plug: Call Rictin Construction***).  I can't WAIT to come home to my boys every day next week.  Then, Bryce's parents will take them for the last week of July.

That ends it though.  The boys will go for a month of summer program.  Basically, it's a fun day care.  But I can't say "Day Care" in front of Bowen.  They NEED the schedule.  Maybe even MORE than I do.  I just can't handle the shuffling.  And why do I have to feel guilty about this?!  Why do I put that on myself.  The one common problem in everything I wrote up there about my summers.... I was stressed out.

Mother shaming happens day in and day out these days.  I shouldn't feel guilty for doing the best thing for my family.  So for 1 month of the summer, they will go to bed at a decent hour, have field trips, come home to have a family dinner and go to bed at a decent hour.  I won't have to wonder where they're spending the next day.  I won't have to wonder if they're OK with whatever and whoever they are with for that day.  They'll be right where I put them and they'll be fine.  The weekends can be reserved for us to "go make memories" or whatever fun saying people are stitching on pillows these days.

and I refuse to feel guilty for it.

Secondly, if you ARE having a crazy, fun summer where you can sleep in and go on excursions every day, then good for you!!!  You don't have to feel guilty for that either.  The bottom line is that if moms are wondering if they are ruining their kids and they stress about it, then they are doing OK.  It means that they think about it and they love their babies.  I know I love mine.  I miss them.  I'm ready to start trying to manage our schedule ourselves.

I always called us the Fantastic Four.  Well, we're figuring out how to work as a team in Tres Stobb.  I think we're doing alright..... but the real work is just now getting ready to start.

Happy Father's Day

Rough week for me.  But I have some really great guys in my life and they shouldn't go unnoticed.  My words aren't really coming out the right way, so I'll keep it short.  With my parents help, the boys got me a Father's Day present.  I completely lost it..... sad tears, happy tears, all of the feels.  I have a great dad.  He definitely needs props for being awesome.  I got to watch the Astro's game with him and my boys on Friday night.  I'm thankful to Gary for giving me Bryce.  Then there's Bryce and my boys.  I'm so grateful for the boys that he gave me.  And I'll forever be thankful that my boys had such a wonderful daddy.

On a Positive Note

I realize that most of my posts seem sad.  When I decide to write, I might be sad, actually.  However, I really am doing OK.  This past Saturday was 3 months since Bryce moved on to a better place.  And that anniversary came the day before my 39th birthday.  I know if I'm distracted, I won't wallow in self pity.  Therefore, I planned for fun things.

There for a while, and I still have little fits of it, I had a hard time with guilt.  I felt like smiling was wrong.  If I had a day of fun, I would end up in bed for 2 days afterwards.  Bryce would have never, EVER wanted that for me.  I just wrote his last blog about The Final Hours.  I felt so much guilt for not being there when he died.  It cut me to my core that I wasn't there.  Eventually, I started to see past the sorrow and I started to see that God had everyone perfectly placed that day.  I was meant to be at the doctors office with him that morning.  I was meant to see his face look so..... so.... done.  He was tired.  I blabbed on and barked out the next steps.  He laid his head back on the table and just closed his eyes.  He was so damn tired of having to make plans, discuss next steps, go through surgeries, inject poison into his veins.  Just. Done.  But here's the thing about that guy, he would have continued so that his boys would see him fight.

I've told many people this thing about cancer.  Cancer saved my marriage.  Cancer showed my boys what being a fighter looks like.  Cancer gave me back my faith, and it's stronger than ever.  Here's the biggest gift though.

                                       Cancer brought Bryce to Jesus.
          Therefore, Cancer gave me the guarantee of seeing Bryce again in eternity.

Back to the doctors office that day.  There's a part of me that wonders if he prayed right then and there and asked for God's mercy in this fight.  He never wanted us to see him waste away.  He'd lost 10 pounds that week.

No wait.  I need to divert my attention again.  Here's another interesting tidbit:  Bryce's biggest fear (and mine too) was that the boys would get home from school and find Daddy dead or something.  A week or 2 before Bryce's hospital stay in January, he'd asked his mom to come live in her vacation house that's minutes away from us, because he wanted someone to be able to check on him while I was working.

Back to the day of..... His mom drove him back to my house after the crappy news that the tumor was growing.  They were having a lovely visit with Alan and the girls.  Gary went to go get AJ from the bus stop.  That's when it all happened.  Had his parents not been there, AJ would have found Bryce bleeding from his stoma.  If Bryce's family members had not been there, Jerrie would have done this all by herself.  Gary was down the street getting AJ.  When they walked in, Bryce's cousin got AJ away from everything and for the rest of them, it was all hands on deck.  Consoling, grabbing towels, helping Bryce or EMS in anyway they could.  God put them there because they knew how to help and what to do.  I would have been useless.  I know now that I was not meant to see it happen.  God didn't want it that way, because he knows I would never have been able to handle it.  To be quite honest, I didn't handle it well not seeing it.  But my 38 year old husband died..... no one should handle that is any grace. The blood all over my bathroom and bed and floor was all could handle.  I wouldn't have done well seeing it ACTUALLY happen.

Two of our best friends, Amber and Keith, happened to be around the corner.  My mom called her and they were here to help in minutes.  Amber says that she's the one that grabbed me when I was running to the helicopter.  She and a cop stopped me.  It was meant to be Jerrie that held his hand in that moment.  She was with him when he entered this world.  She was there when he left it.  It needed to be that way.

Taken by my old friend, Michael, when he saw us randomly pedal by

I say all of that to say that I process things constantly.  Writing helps me.  I've avoided this because it's hard to write these things.  I also write it to say that I will not apologize for smiling and having fun when I need to.

Months ago, my best friends, Leslye and Graham, booked a pub crawler for Bryce.  We were supposed to go out and have some fun.  It was booked for the beginning of December.  The week of, Bryce found out about this last nasty tumor.  Les called to postpone the ride for another time when he felt better.  I guess you could technically say that Bryce is currently feeling better than ever; at least better than he had in months.  Unfortunately, he is no longer here with us.  SO.... I decided that the 3 month anniversary and my birthday we were going to cash in on this fun ride.  And fun was had by all!!!!!!!!!

When we got home, my new neighbors had a spread for us to eat & play porch games.  My sister in law, meanwhile, was handling both boys.  Bowen had a tournament near her house.  They've been getting him there while I just had some adult fun.  Yesterday, I had a group of ladies with me while we painted pallet signs at a local business in town.  SOOOOOO much fun.  I made two, but the biggest deal for me was the #BStrong logo.  It's going on my porch.  I have posted it on facebook, but I'm going to post it here once it's hung on our porch.  Bryce loved entertaining and having a house that people loved to be at.  That WILL continue!!!!!

So, here's the deal.  We're getting along.  I have LOTS of help right now.  People are loving on us and I am so grateful.  I'll never be able to thank everyone for everything they've done.  Heck..... I'm still writing thank you notes for all of the donations!!!!  We have our sad days, but our days are also filled with so much more.  It's OK to cry.  But it's also OK to laugh.  I think I'm laughing more now than I have since November.  Maybe even longer!

Bryce doesn't hurt anymore.  Bryce doesn't feel pain.  Bryce isn't sick.  God removed that burden from him.  Look, I miss him.  Sometimes, I overwhelmed by it.  Sometimes, it sneaks up on me and scares me or I'm shocked by it?  If THAT makes any sense.  Father's Day is coming up.  That's going to be a hard one, but we're going to do it.  The boys and I WILL get through it.  If Bryce could endure all that he did, the least I can do is look up to the heavens and smile at him through my tears.  He gave me his best years.  He gave me the two best parts of him.  He taught me that I could do anything I wanted to do.  HE supported ME in whatever I wanted!!!  My favorite was that we laughed together.  SO many laughs.  That's all he wants for all of us now.  Just keep on.  Remember him fondly. "Live. Laugh. Love." is stitched on pillows all over America.  Bryce actually did.  So the boys and I will, too.

Once In a {New} Lifetime Trip

Bryce's group of friends is unique.  There's a couple handfuls of people that he's been close to since elementary.  I've heard of these things every once in a while, but it's rare.  These guys have literally known each other all of their lives.  There's a BuNcH of them and they're STILL the best of friends!!!

A while back... maybe 2013... Bryce's childhood bestie, Robby, got married in Grand Cayman.  Of course we went.  Bryce was the best man.  We said "No matter the cost, we're going.  This is a once in a life time trip!"

At that time, Bryce had already experienced the original tumor.  It was during that trip that he knew something was wrong again.  Sure enough, when we got home, it was confirmed.  Tumor #2 had arrived.  It made going to that wedding that much more special.

When Bryce died, we knew there was another destination wedding coming up.  We just couldn't plan for that; he was way too sick.  He told me that I could go (uhm... yeah right), but my place was with him.  Anyhow, someone that may wish to remain a secret decided I was going to go to Jamaica, if I wanted to.  I said yes.  Who wouldn't?!

The date is now upon us.  So Monday, I freaked out, cried all day, wished I could back out.  Here's the deal, I don't travel well.  I hate to fly.  When we went to Cayman, I made Bryce draw up wills.  As the day got closer, I flipped out and wondered why we were on the same planes.  If we'd flown separately, our boys would at least have one of us.  Bryce knows that I just need a little bit of a medical assistance to relax.  No big deal, he'd get me there, get me off of the plane, on to another plane, feed me along the way.  He'd hold my hand.  He'd make fun of me when I got a little out of control.  No matter what, he'd take care of me.  Monday, all of the terrible pre-flight things went through my head:
Why am I getting on a plane?!
My kids need me here, not at the bottom of an ocean.
I'm all they have left, this is so irresponsible.
I have too much work to get done.  I'll never get it done in time.

But most of all..... I miss Bryce.  My travel companion.  My safety net.  My lover.  My friend that I laugh with the most.  The one I can reminisce with later about the things we did.  My everything.

So, I cried about all of those things.  And while I was in the middle of fully freaking out, my buddy, Keith, said to me {in a very sad voice} while trying to console me, "Man..... that really sucks.  You have to go to Jamaica."

That, my friends, is what you call perspective.

There have been tiny pieces of time that I feel like Bryce has been talking to me in the last couple of days.  The bottom line is that I'm at the airport.  I'm having to start life all over again.  This is just going to be another trip of a lifetime.  My new lifetime.

I can't wait to see our friends get married.  I watched this love blossom at the very beginning.  I can't wait to watch them say they want to be each others everything too.... FOREVER!

I might cry the whole time I'm on the plane.  My brother says that I might cry the whole time I'm in Jamaica, but at least I'm crying in Jamaica.  I will get to see some of B's closest people for the first time since his service.  I think that seeing them during such a special occasion will be pretty great too.

Here's some promises:
I will miss my boys immensely and I plan to video chat with them every day.
I will enjoy myself and recharge.... for myself and my boys.
I will start the last blog post on Bryce's blog to tell the story of his final hours.
I will watch Stella got her Groove Back on my flights over the ocean.
I will take lots of naps!

With that, I'm going to sign off.  And maybe nap.

From Out of Left Field

I was REALLY having a great day.  I have felt evil trying to take blows at me for a few days.  B-U-T, I'm in a good place and felt like God lead me to make decisions that reflect a Christian attitude instead of letting evil win.  I was in a GREAT place this morning after my prayers.

On my way to work this morning an old friend called me.  I haven't talked to him in years, but we play Words With Friends.  He made the phone call this morning and I shared how I was in a good place sooner than expected, because I'm celebrating that Bryce gets to live in heaven now.  He asked if he could pray with me before we hung up.  I had no idea that he'd become SUCH a devoted Christian.  He was always a Christian, but he's really walking the walk these days.

Don't get me wrong.  I miss Bryce so hard that I am experiencing physical side effects.  I talk to him every night begging to make me feel his hug when I dream.  I wake up at 3 in the morning with my skin irritated, because I didn't feel his hug and I toss and turn while I talk to a dark room..... all of it.  I don't just miss him.  He is missing from me.

However, I'm happy knowing that he is pain free.  I'm excited that I'm going to see Bryce again one day.  I planned his cremation and have started the process of executing Bryce's wishes.  Then, the call comes in.  Bryce's earthly body has officially become ashes.  Now I'm crying at work.  Bryce was so big and strong.  I can't seem to figure out how to process that he's been reduced to plastic baggies.  8 plastic bags of ash.

I know there will be hurdles.  I face them every day.  I definitely face them at night.  Last night, I slept.  That was HUGE!  I'm sure it's another reason why I felt so much better today.  I set up a few steps of my own.

1)  I needed to get through "Though You Slay Me" without becoming a blubbering mess in order to come back to work.  DONE!

2) I wanted to be around friends without feeling weird, including meeting new people, before I would commit to a wedding engagement in a month.  CHECK!

3)  I needed to get back to church and smile among my people before I would even consider singing in front of them as a member of the praise team.  CHECK & MATE!!

There are a few other steps I have put in place for myself.  Steps.... protection for myself and my boys.  Other steps are things that I know will help me process it all.  I will eventually (but very soon) finish his blog with what happened the day he unexpectedly died.  I think that they are all part of the process.  I need to get back to Camp Gladiator.  I'm ready.  I'm seeing my cancer counselor on Thursday.  I had been avoiding her, but I'm ready.  I just didn't anticipate feeling this way when I got the call from the crematorium.  I even emailed them this morning to see where we were at with things, because I didn't like the thought of Bryce waiting to be cremated.  So, why do my tears feel like a slap in the face?

Grief...... the never ending roller coaster.

A Weeks Walk as a Widow

Widow.  I'm 38 years old.  It just sounds weird.  Facebook says I'm still married.  I feel married.  I AM MARRIED, but my husband is gone.  I feel loss, but don't think I've felt the real brunt of that loss yet.  I think that will come when I finally suck it up and go back to my responsibilities. I'm just not ready.

I have felt a range of emotions over the past 11 days.  I wonder if I'm feeling the right way.  I wonder if this is what it's supposed to feel like.  Yesterday, Bryce's mom read me the 7 stages of grief.  That helped.  I think it will continue to help me.  I know I feel loss, but not knowing if I'm feeling it the right way makes me feel lost.
Loss..... lost.
I lost him.  I feel loss and lost.
Ugh.
And at other times, I'm fine.

I've been in hiding for a couple of days.  Everyone, including the boys, left Saturday afternoon.  It was blissfully quiet.  I lounged and started a documentary.  Yesterday, I decided it was time to do some adulting.  I got my car to the shop.  A friend had their friend come to look at some things that need to be fixed on my house.  I was getting to know my new neighbors.  Everything was fine.  I actually smiled and laughed last night.

Then, it happened.  2:00 in the morning, I am awake with my heart pounding out of my chest.  My skin hurts. I can't sleep.  I can't stop moving.  It's like a drug withdrawal.  Bryce was my high.  He's gone and I feel it hit me hard for the first time since his service.

In a moment, I'll go pick up my car.  I will come home to start filling out more paperwork because my husband died.  Insurance papers.  Is this really my life right now?  It doesn't feel right.  Nothing feels right.  I need to learn to forgive myself.  I need to stop second guessing how I feel.  I need to just be in that moment.  If it's happy, be happy.  If it's sad, be sad.  Mostly, I need to find my way into my new life and do it in a way that honors my husband.

I'll try to not be crazy.  But if you see me around and I look crazy, that's just where I'm at for the day.

No. I Don't Want To Talk About It.

There's a lot that's happened.  Usually, it's no news is good news for us.  That hasn't been the case around the house lately.  Since the hospital trip for Bryce, things have changed and he's just sick.  Last Monday, he got the news that they didn't think the trial drugs were working.  Today, we received his scan results confirming that.

The short and sour details....
Cancer is getting worse.
He's off the trail.
We have to find something else.  FAST!

Feelings:
Devastated
Pissed
Incredible Sadness

What's Next/What Does That Mean?
We have no idea.
We have a lot to think about.
We have the horrible job of telling our kids the news this weekend.

And no.  I don't want to talk about it.