An Affair To Remember

It's been almost a month since I wrote?!  I think about something or something happens and I'd say to myself, "I should blog about that."  But the month of December was a little bit crazy.  The last time I wrote, Bryce was still in the hospital.  He's written though!!!  Catch up with him if you'd like bastobb.blogspot.com

Now the range of emotions that you read about in the last post sums up my December.  We got home.  Bryce has been recovering BEAUTIFULLY!!!!!!!  It's really crazy how well he is doing.  He finally feels good and has been more himself this month than he was before surgery.  He's doing things around the house again.  He finally acts like he feels alive!!!  But that's not to say that there haven't been frustrations through his recovery too.

Then we found out that that Bryce was going to do his follow up appointments in Houston on the 22nd of December.  Whelp.... my family was planning on coming up here for Christmas.  But with the appointments happening the week of, I asked my mom if we could switch it up again and all come to her house.  So she hustled and she bustled and she got it all prepared.  Christmas was wonderful.  That whole week was wonderful.  I went to a Texans game.  We did Christmas with Bryce's family.  Then went to mom's and did Christmas stuff there.  It was all great.

The best part..... AJ's love for the holidays this year.  His love affair with Santa and writing letters to Jolly, our elf on a shelf was one of those sweet moments a mom gets to see in a sons life.  It was right after she came out of the box that he wrote her a note telling her that he liked her so much and was glad that she was our elf.  I mean HOW CUTE IS THAT?!?!!  It was like a lover letter to his elf.  hee heee heeeeeee

Bryce and I can't stand her.  We mostly feel burdened by her neediness and the expectations.  So we call her the troll.  On the other hand, this could be the last year for him to believe in the Santa thing.  I see it all breaking down really soon.  So I made sure I didn't fail this year.  It's typical for me to have a list of excuses in my back pocket for why the troll didn't move.  Not this year.  She actually made snow angels and got into a snow fight with another stuff animal of his.

And even though Bowen asked me last year what the real deal was on the Santa suit, he was still making it lots of fun for AJ.

So the Santa business is over and we've been assembling the boys presents from Christmas every since.  This house is really starting to feel like home!!  We organize and decorate rooms.  We clean stuff out that we never should have moved up here in the first place.  Bryce is finally organizing his man stuff.  He even said that he's starting to feel like he's moved in now.  Honestly.... I think he'd given up on life there for a while.

Maybe the 3rd time wasn't the charm.  Maybe this wasn't the 4th time.  Maybe this 4th surgery was like saying the 3.2 time is the charm.  God has the answers.  I don't.  But I do have faith that we're on the right track.  I do feel like 2014 is a year I want behind me.

Don't get me wrong..... 2014 brought us good things too.  A beautiful new home, a wonderful school for the boys, a neighborhood that the boys can just run around in.  It's also a year that has taught me about forgiveness, true love, faith and endurance.  2014 has showed me areas that I will work on in 2015.  I have already stated that the resolution for myself is to let it go.  I'll channel my inner Queen Elsa.  Stop being the ice queen and just live life loving the best way I know how.

I'm reading "Traveling Mercies: Some thoughts on faith" by Anne Lamott.  It's funny and clever and honest.  It comes highly recommended from my friend Courtney and I think you should read it too.  The other night I read the following and the light bulb went off.  "...God is for giving, and we are here for giving too, and that to withhold love or blessings is to be completely delusional......Then an old friend from Texas left a message on my answering machine that said, 'Don't forget, God love us exactly the way we are, and God loves us too much to let us stay like this.'"

and THAT folks is when it hit me.  I don't have to stay like this.  I don't have to hold on to grudges.  I don't have to wonder why people do bad things to me.  I don't have to let it consume me.  I can forgive them.  I can let it go.  Life is too short to let my heart be filled with the bad stuff.  If I let it go, I can fully appreciate so many little things that might have gone by unnoticed this month.  FINALLY meeting my newest nephew.  AJ's crush-like love for his elf.  Enjoying time spent time with my parents that I miss VERY much, instead of being sad that they aren't right next to me anymore.  Rejoicing for the successes in Bryce's latest surgery, instead of resenting that he had to have it.  Just let it go!

I still have a lot of work to do on myself.  I literally just locked myself in my room to avoid these kids that I love so much.  But..... today is still 2014.  I'll be better tomorrow.
Happy New Year everybody!!!!  be safe!!!!

Pollyanna V. Disney's Divas of Darkness

If Disney were to come up with a movie about Bryce's cancer, I'm not sure how I would be portrayed.  On most days, I'm fine.  I see the bright side of things.  I make jokes about Polly Sunshining my way through his cancer struggle.  I know it's his body that has cancer, but the caregiver deals with plenty too.  The past couple of weeks have been rough on us as a couple.  Today was rough on me as a caregiver.

My inner Pollyanna got up and left the room.  In her wake, the Disney Divas walked in.  I couldn't quite decide if it was Ursela, Maleficent or Lady Tremaine that took over or if it was the best and worst of all three.

I'd say "poor Bryce", but the divas are still lurking inside.  And you know what?!  Maybe that's OK!

He got really mad today.  He had EVERY right to be!!!!  To learn more about that, please see this.

There is a really fine line between being your husbands sounding board and their punching bag (not literally.... this is quite the opposite of a Ray Rice situation).  And this morning, I had dealt with enough of the wrong side of that line.  I literally walked out of his room with no explanation or words.  I just walked out.  I wasn't proud of myself, but I did it.

Then I decided that it's ok.  I left him in a nurses hands.  They're professionally prepared to deal with the angry patients of the world.  I, however, am not emotionally prepared to deal with an angry husband that happens to be a patient too.  That's the key to it all, right?  If I emotionally disconnect to be the caregiver, then I'm no longer working on my relationship as a wife.  If I concentrate only on being a wife and forget the needs he will have from a caregiver, then he will become beyond frustrated with me then, too.

I have researched a few things this evening.  I decided that Google needed to lead me to God who needed to lead me to some instruction on wifely things.  You know how the self can have a conversation with.... well, its self.

Pollyanna: I need to read Proverbs 31 again.

Maleficent:  Wasn't that a dream that some MAN had?!  It's a completely unrealistic idea for some woman to behave like that!  Seriously.... it's a DREAM!!!!

Good Angel:  You sure about that?  What do you really know about 31 besides some of the words?

Lady Tremaine:  You SHUSH!

It went on like this for a while, but I'll spare you the conversations entirety.  What I do know is, in that moment, I needed some Jesus.  This is what I knew I remembered about Proverbs 31.  I knew that I wasn't presenting myself like a precious jewel.  I didn't care about wool or flax and I could have sunk the merchant ships with my tears of anger, spite and self pity.  Here's what Google needed to remind me of:  The heart of her husband trusts in her.... She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

Luckily, I got it together and I can chalk today up to another day of our life that I didn't cause him harm.  I feel like that does him good.  And I feel like he can trust me.

In all seriousness, we both got it together.  It's ok to walk away if he's in safe hands.  I need to take some breathers too.  The outcome he was looking for was found and we actually fought for that together.  It wasn't a pretty battle.  For him, for me or for the nurses.  Ultimately, Pollyanna walked back in the room.  She's not all smiles yet, but she's here again.

sorta like this......

SO IMPRESSED!!!!!!

Have I ever told you that Bryce is the strongest man I've ever met?  No?  oh.
So my husband is the strongest man I've ever met.  I'm BEYOND impressed with him.  I've seen him a couple of times since surgery.  I'm waiting on them to assign him to a room.  But I couldn't believe how great he looks.

He can't talk.  His sister and brother bought him a white board to help with communication.  This was one of his messages to me:  I am so optimistic!  I feel so relieved and happy for it to be finished for now!

Ya know why?!?!?!?!  Because he has SO many prayer warriors.  THAT'S WHY!!!!!  GOD did this!
 He feels SO good right now.  His pain is under control.  He has a white board for communication.  He smiles at everyone he's seen so far.  He's thanking everyone and sharing the love!

God is good!!!!  I knew that he could pull us through this.  He is working on Bryce to heal him physically, to keep him calm emotionally and mentally.  I am so grateful.  I am so happy.

PRAY! FIGHT! WIN!

The things we do for love

We've had a rough couple of weeks.  As if life isn't enough, cancer happens too.  I've always thought marriage was such a weird thing.  God wants us to get married & have babies & live happily ever after.  Or wait...... maybe that was Disney.  But God likes it when we get married too.  It's just SOOOOO hard sometimes.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my husband.  But there are times when I just can't understand why I can't just walk out when he does something stupid.  I know that he's wished he could bail on me too.  Throw cancer into the mix and things can flip your entire world upside down.

It's that fight or flight response.  We all have it.  And I can't pretend to imagine what happens in his head right now.  I'm not battling cancer.  But what I do know is that we both made the decision to stick around and fight.  That's what married people do.  We love each other & love each other through the tough stuff.  When his flight response kicked in because he didn't want to think about his reality, I made the decision to fight for him.  For us.  For our family.  And he's done the same for me.  I check out & he pulls me back in.

Well, I personally invited him to stay in our reality while we celebrated holidays.  This Thanksgiving we entertained the Stobb's at our house.  It was wonderful.  The San Francisco branch made it in time to enjoy the beautiful bird that  Bryce deboned, stuffed & rolled.  There were so many delicious things to eat.  It was a WONDERFUL day.  We also got to celebrate AJ's 8th birthday.  I can't believe my baby is EIGHT!!!!

Then we find ourselves staring at each other this morning.  I was actually the one that couldn't get my emotions in check.  I didn't like how many sticks it took to get the IV in.  I wish I could just stay at his side through the whole surgery.  I wish that I could hold his hand all day.  I wish that I could take away his cancer.  I wish a lot of things.  But I know that I told him how much I love him.  I know that he's in good hands in that OR.  He's been prayed for like crazy lately.  And his surgeon has been prayed for too.

I know I'm in for a long day.  I'll try to get some sleep here and there.  I just wanted to post and say hi to people.  I hope all of your holidays were as great as ours.  And here's my PSA for the day:

Love each other.  Love with everything you have.  Fight for the ones you love and what you believe in.  Because sometimes..... they might just need to hear it.

For Bryce updates:  bastobb.blogspot.com

The Motivation Game

The things we do to avoid doing what we need to is just silly.  At least it is for me.  I NEED to be packing & doing laundry to go to Houston.  But.... I'm having coffee & writing a blog.

This weird range of emotions will NOT stop.  It's actually been that way for a couple of weeks.  Last week, Bryce was in bed.  The way the chemo works on him was kind of delayed, I guess?  The same thing happened when we went to Disney.  He got the big 3 drug cocktail of chemo & was ok for almost a week.  Then just as he's walking in the door for the 1 drug the next week, he's starting to feel bad.  He gets that one the next Tuesday & BOOM!  Man Down.  The last post I said he wasn't bed ridden & was doing fine.  I spoke too soon.  I was literally bringing him lunch in bed just to make sure he was still eating.  By Saturday a week ago the fog was starting to lift.  And now he's fine again.  He got the last dose of chemo this past Tuesday & handled that very well.  He's been back at work again & eating great.

But there is this weird thing hanging over our heads.  The tests & scans are coming up.... now what?  Want to make plans to do something in December... not possible.  Wait until the scans happen.  Hurry up & wait.  We've sort of talked about a few things here & there.  Whether he should have the surgery or not.  What is the percentage or the fact that we need to hear to say "OK!  Do it!"?  The answer is that there is no answer.  That number doesn't exist.  The fact we are looking for is a doctor saying that he doesn't have cancer.  THAT'S ultimately what we want to hear.  But we also know that the likelihood of hearing that news is pretty small.  I lack motivation because I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of what they will see.  I'm afraid of what they will tell him.  If I could make it just stop and never have to deal with cancer again, I would,  I would give anything of myself to make his cancer go away.

The fact that I'm drinking coffee instead of packing a bag is my little act of defiance.   I talked to his mom for over an hour this morning.  We talked about the things that need to be handled with the boys while I'm gone with Bryce.  Then we got on the topic of what is going to happen.  I told her that he is giving serious consideration to not doing the surgery.  That was actually a huge relief to know that she supports that decision too.  She also said that she will support whatever decision he makes.  Ultimately, it is his decision.  So I had to tell him.  I'm not sure that I had.

What if his motivation to have this surgery was because he thinks his wife and his mother want him to?  What if he resents us forever because his quality of life is changed forever?  Or worse..... what if he doesn't wake up?  I could never live with him resenting me for something he never wanted.  And I damn sure could never live with myself if I lost him to a surgery that he never wanted.  His motivation needs to be his own.  This is his body.  This is his life.  I called him to tell him that I don't want this surgery any more that he does.  But whatever he decides is OK!!!!!!!

So..... THAT is my motivation today.  I will sign off  & go get laundry done.  I will pack our bags so that we can leave without feeling rushed.  And I will sit with him.  Love him.  Support him.  Whatever decision he makes, I will agree with it.  I will get it together today, so that I can be the last thing he has to worry about.  Pray for Bryce.  Not just for healing, but for wisdom & guidance.  Whether we're motivated to make a tough decision or not, it's looming.  It has to be made.  So do the beds......  gotta go!

Unapologetic

I was having a conversation with a couple of people recently about life & the different things it will throw at us.  A friend is going through a change that seems to suck a little upfront.  But in the long run, she is doing what is best for her and her family.  In just a few short months she'll be better off.  In trying to tell her that it was ok & it's a good decision, I threw out cancer.  Then I apologized.
So I felt awkward.

The conversation went like this:
Her:  So I'm dong this & it sucks a little now, but I'll be better off in 6 months
Me:  It's ok.  I can see myself in your shoes.  Cancer.  Blah, blah, blah.  Cancer.  Blartity, bloh, blah. Cancer.

Then I said it....... "I'm sorry.  I sound like Debbie Downer when I mention cancer."

Thankfully, I was talking to people I love & they love me.  They said the words that seem it ring out in my head:  DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR TALKING ABOUT THIS!!!

And they are right.

Bryce has officially had cancer for 3 years.  The 3 year anniversary of his diagnosis is just around the corner.  Talking about cancer for us is like asking someone else what they had for dinner or who won the world series (Congrats San Fran!!).  It's my everyday.  It's his very real reality.  It's his body, his health and what is always on our minds.

But we are in a new place.  I start talking and sure enough.... it happens...
Nice to meet you!  I'm Jessica.  We live down the street.  Your kid is in my kids class.  Cancer, cancer, blah, blah, blah.  Cancer.  Great!  Maybe we can have you guys over sometime so the kids can play.

I should say that somewhere in there, I see their grief.  or shock.  or that glazed look when they don't know what to say.  Immediately followed by the sound of crickets.  One of the close friends I mentioned above told me that they think about us & pray for us, but they don't want to ask because they don't want to bring up an emotional topic.  The strangers always say "I'm sorry."  Then I do it too.  Seriously..... someone tell me why I'm apologizing?!

I've decided that I'm not sorry.  I'm allowed to talk about it.  In fact, I WANT to talk about it.  I want to answer your questions.  I want to tell him how often I hear that prayers are being lifted up for him.  It really is dinner conversation at Stobb Manor.  Cancer isn't new news to us.  And let's face it.  I haven't ever had much of a filter anyways.  IF you want to know, we'll tell ya!

And the thing of it is that this is normal life for us now.  He's not so sick that he's bed ridden.  His platelets rebounded VERY well in the last week.  Therefore, we got the great big dose of the 3 drug cocktail on Tuesday.  The next 2 weeks should be easy street with just the Cetuximab administration.  He gets a little tired.  Sometimes he is really cranky.  But he's fine.  He wakes up.  He takes his meds.  He makes his juice.  He goes to work.  He comes home.  We do family stuff.  Really normal from the outside looking in.

Of course, the impending doom for me is wondering if all of this is working.  He has 3 days of appointments with MD Anderson the week before Thanksgiving.  The final day is finding out if all that he's doing is working.  Fingers crossed.  In the meantime..... sorry.  Not Sorry.

Back to Reality

It's Wednesday & this mom thinks she finally has it back together.  Well, as together as I can be, anyways.

Let's see....  there was Disney.  The boys & I had an amazing time.  Bryce did what he could while suffering from some pretty rough chemo side effects.  The good news is, our last day there, he started turning the corner.  The meds that they gave him started kicking in as we were packing up to fly home.  Which is great.  He turned around the next day for more chemo.  Then 2 days later, we flew out & headed for San Francisco with my bestie, Leslye & her super duper husband, Graham.

They had started talking to us this summer about taking a trip somewhere.  A "screw cancer" trip.  A "YAY! You're over it (again)" trip.  When the bomb hit & we found out that cancer was still there, emotions were all over the place.  They drove over for dinner that weekend & Graham said "We're doing this now."  Pick your place.  We bounced around some ideas.  They all were centered around going to see a J. Roddy Walston & The Business show.  This is Bryce's favorite band & the Swor family said "Yup.... let's do it."  And San Fran is where we landed.  I love that city.  Love, love, LOVE that city!!!  J. Roddy was fantastic.  We saw Alcatraz from the inside & lots of other cool things.  More importantly, we laughed.  LOTS!

Austin to Florida to Austin to San Fran.  We hit both of the coasts for family fun, then adult fun all in under 2 weeks.  We got back Sunday night just in time to tuck our boys into bed & immediately went to bed ourselves.  SO, it's Wednesday.  I got the boys to school on time.  No fussing, panicking or yelling about where a homework folder is.  I think I have it together today.

It's just that Monday came around with the sinking feeling that Bryce has cancer.  For some reason, it didn't go away while we were off making memories.  For 2 weeks, cancer didn't exist.  But we are back & Bryce immediately had to shave off his facial hair.  It was falling out.  So bye bye beard & mustache.

Did I tell you that we were able to get Bryce into Texas Oncology here in Austin for chemo?  Yeah.....  so no weekly drives to Houston for that.  Yesterday, I got the boys off to school, maybe on time?  Then back home to get myself ready to get him to chemo for the long haul.  There was the 7 hour, 3 drug cocktail that was 3 weeks ago, then 2 weeks of just the 1 drug.  So there we were, all packed up.  He & I with our laptops in back packs.  Then they tell us that his platelets are too low this week.

His face drops.

I can see it.  He's upset.

Do you know what that does to a wife?  It sucks.  Know what sucks even more?
He had been extremely frustrating that morning.  Just normal Bryce stuff.  Those things that a husband knows how to do just to get the wife perfectly pissy.  Then he realized that the day before I had taken care of some medication/pharmacy issues & he was nice again.  So there I am.  Do I stay pissy?  How can I?  He's being nice again.  So it sucks to know that we were being buttholes for NO good reason before he gets this news.

But once I see the look of disappointment on his freshly shaven face, how can I be anything but.... sad?  Sad at myself.  Sad at his platelets.  Sad at cancer.  But I rub his arm & tell him it's all going to be ok.  I remind myself that there's no crying when you're the strong one!!!  I tell myself, "Self,  you are going to HEB to buy all leafy dark veggies & fatty Omega-3 fish & whatever else the internet tells you to!  You will NOT listen to the doctor when he says that we can't eat anything that will boost those platelets!  You will do this!!!  You will make Bryce eat those veggies.  And he will LIKE IT!!!"  and I did it all without crying.

So it's Wednesday.  He's gone back to work.  The boys are off to school.  On the surface, this morning felt good.  Now the house is quiet & needs my attention, but that sadness is sort of sneaking up on me.  I don't have time for that.  So.... fiddleddy dee.  I'll think about it another day.

I'll leave you with pictures of some San Fran fun times.