Endings and Beginnings

I know that the New Year's post should have come days ago, but I've been trying to figure out what to say.  While I am trying to sum up 2016 and thinking of what direction to go with it, I realize that I have too much to say about the past year.  There were SO many things.  So many bad things.  Life altering, horrific, awful things.  There were also good things.  Then I think to myself, "Am I doing it again?  Am I doing that thing where I refuse to believe the bad things are actually happening?  Am I forcing myself to just deal with 'it' another day?"  People say that I'm strong.  I usually reply that this isn't strength, it's just tolerance.

There were some good things though.  In trying to process the past year, I've been forced to process it from home.  If you haven't heard the news, see previous blog post about my wreck.  The one thing I failed to mention in that post was that I did have a T11 fracture on the body of my vertebrae.  So, for the months of November and December, I was just laying around, trying to focus on getting better and for all of the rest of the minutes..... I was processing.

So, here's what I've decided.  2016 couldn't finish fast enough for me.  Good Riddance! Hasta Luego! Ciao!!  Even if all I had to deal with was the death of my husband and nearly being killed in a car wreck, I feel like that makes for a pretty rough year.  There were other little things, too, but listing all of the bad things is pointless.  Especially, when there's so much more to look at that could be something beautiful.  Lemons to lemonade, right?

Let's start with the fact that I'm a widow.  It's weird to say it, but it's a fact.  I don't like that word.  I will refer to myself as a single mother.  I'm learning how to do that and think I'm doing OK.  Then when I say it, it sounds like my marriage ended.  Did it?  I am no longer married.  I am a widow.  I just happen to still be in love with my husband.  He's not my ex-husband.  He just died.

As if just dying is something simple.

Either way..... his life ended.  That was one of the biggest endings 2016 handed me.  I grieved for a minute.  I helped my kids grieve.  Then, I even helped many of our friends grieve him, too.  I stopped grieving and started moving on with life.  I had a job and baseball season was kicking in for my 9 and 11 year old sons.  As soon as that's over, summer is happening.  Summer for us was absolute chaos.  I started waking up wondering where I was and wondering if my kids were with me or off with a relative or were we together visiting people.  Fall comes.  School starts.  And we're fully in the throws of football season.  Chaos.

The day football ended was October 30th.  I got in that wreck on October 30th.  I might have minimized the gravity of this atrocity.  Two more lives ended.  Just like that.  And mine should have too.  A person that breaks all of the ribs on their left side dies.  Why?  Because they puncture the heart, the lungs, all of the precious things.  Three people have referred to me as a walking miracle.  One doctor told a friend of mine at the hospital that I was VERY lucky.  Another doctor told me at my follow up that a person with an ISS (Injury Severity Score) as high as mine when I was admitted also has a high mortality rate.

After more than a week, I went home.  There, I started processing the wreck, Bryce's death, what my future is supposed to look like, and a lot of wondering what God has in store for me.  One thing that I quickly figured out is that one of my good friends, Micka, was apparently in cahoots with my therapist about how I hadn't fully grieved for Bryce.  I never allowed myself the time or the energy.  I have grieved more in the past two months than I did for the first six.  Heck.... I grieved more in the first two weeks after getting home, than I did in all the time before.

My mom moved in with me after the wreck to take care of me.  Home Health Care never showed up, so she did EVERYTHING for me.  At 39 years old, I needed more help than I ever thought possible.  It was humbling to say the least.  While she did everything from bathe me to taking care of my kids, I was left to be in my head a little too much.  A well known fact about my mother is that when she is anxious, worried, frustrated, just plain scared or incredibly overwhelmed (& the boys and I were incredibly overwhelming), she cleans.  She cleans and cleans and organizes and cleans again.  I could swear that all of the laundry would be done, but she'd manage to find more.  That washer and dryer never stopped.  One day, she scrubbed my front door.  That's not even something I knew I was supposed to be doing!! So in this cleaning and organizing, she tackled the things that I was aware of.  I needed more space for my clothes.  I have space, but it's filled with Bryce's things.  So.... she gently persuaded me to put one of his drawers and one shelf of things into a bin.  I finally threw away his underwear.  Even that made me cry.  But finally.... grieving was happening.  Grieving brings healing during a time when I was working very hard on healing both inside and out.

After all of these things, I could see myself starting to fall into an angry place.  A dark place.  My body hurts.  Will I ever heal?!  My left arm has nerve pain.  Will I ever play the piano again?
And you know what?  I got mad at the driver of that car.  I even got mad at his wife.  The one and only other survivor.  The one that lost her husband and one of her best friends on the same night.  The mother to my youngest sons best friend.  What did she do wrong?  She wasn't driving.  Time and a good conversation with her started to heal my heart and mind.  As amazing as our small community is, it's still small.  And in a small community, there will always be gossip and lies.  The bottom line is that she and I are friends.  We were friends when we got into that car and we are friends today.  Our sons are still best friends.  As for the lies and gossip, she and I have promised to always be honest with each other.  Our versions of the wreck are vastly different.  We literally had different points of view.  She and I both agree on that.  The bottom line is this:

She and I will walk away from this still loving each other.  Perhaps, we can teach a small town how to love and just keep their mouths closed.

All of those things sound bad.  2016 dealt out it's share of stumbling blocks.  In true Jessica form, the Scarlet O'Hara in me kicks in.  All of the bad things can be dealt with another day with a quick "Fiddle Dee Dee."  If I look on the bright side of things, 2016 handed me a few good things, too.  Anytime something comes to an end, it means it's the beginning of something else.

This wreck tore my body up pretty badly, but I know I WILL get better.
I am grateful for every day that I have on this Earth with my boys.
I will never take another day for granted.
I will love harder.
I will kiss my boys more.
I will hug my friends every time I see them.
I will sing God's praises and thank him every day for allowing me to raise my boys.
I will thank God for the friendships that are forming through this tragedy.
I will help those around me with the selflessness shown to me and my family.

This wreck ended the lives of two people.  God's grace allowed me to be here.
2017 is the beginning of me starting to comprehend the depths of God's grace and mercy.  I know I will never fully understand it, but I am fully understanding that this is exactly what I'm being shown.

I will miss Bryce every day until I am reunited with him.  However, I'm always one day closer to being with him again.  Every day that passes is one day closer to seeing him.  I hate that cancer took him from me.  I hate that cancer left my children fatherless.  But as his life was coming to an end, he fully started to grasp God's love for us.  He accepted Jesus as his Christ and Savior.  Cancer gave this whole family a glimpse into hell.  But I can also thank cancer for giving me the knowledge that Bryce is whole again in heaven.

So my marriage ended? or however you want to say it.  I feel super old while I heal.
But that's what happened in 2016.  I can smile looking at 2017.  I have an incredible amount of hope looking forward.  There's something in the air that feels like I can do whatever I want.  Mostly, I want to live happily.  I want to love people around me.  Mostly, I want to spend as much time as I can with my kiddos.  And I think I have the permission to do so.

New Year's Day... woke up right after I'd had a dream with a Bryce appearance.  There were booths or tents?  I was there with girl friends and it was coming to a close.  Bryce had been sick all day & wasn't with me.  The festival or whatever was coming to an end.  I was in a line for a glass of wine and my friends had walked off.  Bryce just walked up to me and said "Can I have the keys?" I hugged him. I kissed him. I laid my head on his chest.  He sort of chuckled & I asked what he was thinking.  He said, "Your friends..... They keep saying 'Hi, Bryce!"

I'm here to report to those of you that keep telling him hello, he hears you.  As for me, I'm glad he showed up on New Year's Day.  It was as if he was telling me that everything going on right now is OK.  We're all going to be OK.

And to the families of Jessica Mancilla and Jared Hunter, I am SO sorry.  I certainly don't have the words to take away your pain, but I don't know if I ever said that I am sorry for your loss.  I know how loved they were.  I like to think that maybe Bryce greeted them and showed them around a bit.