Birthdays and Balloons

I guess it's been a while since I've written.  3 months to be exact.  There are a bunch of reasons for this:

• This summer was 100% insane.
• Then school started and I thought it would get better.
• Nope..... because it's football season.  We are coming close to the end though.
•  and work..... work, work, work

I can't wait for November 1st.  As much as I love watching my kids play sports, I'm ready for some down time.

Somewhere in the middle of mi vida loca, we've had some birthdays.  We got to celebrate Bowen turning 12.  I can't believe that next year, I will have a teenager.  And two days after Bowen's, Bryce should have turned 39.  My mother gently talked me into doing something special, while I was trying to avoid October 7th from rolling around.  She said a balloon release with 39 balloons would be nice.  We were going to make all of Bryce's favorite foods.  And the boys and I were to write goodbye letters.  The boys did and they were wonderful.  I just couldn't do it.  I did write him letter though.  I just plainly stated that I will never tell him goodbye.

I was hoping that this would be cathartic for all of us.  It was immediate family only.  I wanted people to be able to express their feelings in a safe place.  If my boys needed to cry, then I wanted them to cry.  And we all cried.  The letters were written, shredded and stuffed down into a balloon.  The boys did great.  I cried so much that week and earlier in the day, I was all tapped out by the time we sat down for dinner.  I just can't tell him goodbye though.  I can't take his clothes out of the closet.  I can't move his shoes from outside my garage door.  I'm still hanging pictures of our family.

I know that he's gone.  Trust me.... I get it.  I'm just not saying goodbye, yet.  I am happy.  I am moving forward.  The boys and I are getting into a pretty good groove these days.  and seriously..... I AM HAPPY!  But how do you say goodbye to someone that changes your life forever?  He made such an impact on this world.  He truly was one of a kind.  And don't worry, he will not be idolized.  I have often told stories of when he was a complete #$%head.  Are any of us perfect?  I know that I'm not.  It's just that even with his imperfections, he was still a really amazing man.  When we met, he didn't realize it, but he was saving my life.  When he made me a wife and a mother, he showed me grace under fire on a daily basis.  We were a passionate couple, despite the fact that he said passionate people annoyed him.  He was passionate about loving his family.  He may have been terrible at communicating emotions, but he loved us fiercely and we knew it.  And for the past few years, he showed me what strength really looks like.  When pain, fear and death were looming, he boldly faced life anyways.  He did that for me and his boys.

So how do you say goodbye to that?
I just decided that I wouldn't.

I was terribly sad the week of his birthday.  My parents came up for days to "help" us through it all.  They are the unsung hero's.  Everything was perfection.  They didn't just help though.  My parents cooked, cleaned, did my yard, repaired appliances, brought up the helium tanks, bought the most perfect shade of blue balloon.  They did it all while they mourned Bryce, too.  They loved him, too.  They know what he did for their daughter.  They felt the Bryce impact, too.  Yet they still selflessly did everything for Bryce's birthday, while I just wanted to crawl into my bed and wake up on October 8th.  My parents are rock stars.  I will never be able to fully convey my appreciation for Bryce's birthday.  What they did turned into a present for me, my boys and the rest of Bryce's family.

As for the goodbye from me, it won't happen.  Again, I am happy and moving on.  But I can't say goodbye to everything that we went through.  All of the the things to get us to where we are today were worth it.  I can't say goodbye to the lessons that we learned together in life.  I can't say goodbye to how we chose to raise our children.  I can't say goodbye to him.  I will see him again in eternity.  I know that.  I also hope that he enjoyed his first heavenly birthday.  As for the party we threw for him here, it was beautiful and perfect.

Another special shout out to Keith Mayhew.  Thank you for these amazing pictures.  Need drone photography?  Call KeeSnap ;)