We all have seen them, own or owned them, right? The Hobby Lobby/Etsy signs in the spaces we create for our families that say "Live, Laugh, Love"
What about the times when we aren't feeling the stupid sign. I don't feel lively today. I am damn sure not laughing. I feel terrible pain in my heart, BECAUSE of love. Well, I'm here today to talk about all of the feelings. With the help of a ridiculous tv show's finally, I was able to figure my way through some of my feelings. More than that, I'm able to label a fear that I didn't realize was there.
If you haven't watched The Good Place, put it on your list. It's outrageous, funny, somewhat insane and at times.... really beautiful. The finale was one of the best I've ever seen. The unfortunate part of this was that I watched it with my youngest while I was dropping him off at college. As of Saturday, neither of my natural born children live in my home for the majority of the year.
I've said it before and it bears repeating. There is no feeling like this. We are filled with pride for our kids. We are excited for what they are embarking on. We are also a little proud of ourselves. Let's face it!! If we were parenting even a little bit, this is what it was for. We love them, protect them, teach them and guide them for THIS exact moment. Being proud of ourselves is OK. But even while we feel pride & joy, we also begin to mourn the loss of being with them daily. My revelation this week has been my incredible feelings of fear. The bigger issue is that I'm TERRIFIED that they will die.
I've caught myself saying really terrible things. The word vomit for the past 3 weeks usually has something to do with them dying. It's not that I don't trust them to NOT die. I just finally realized that I'm not capable of dealing with that. I can't protect them in the same way anymore.
Now.... I'm not trying to be the spoiler for the show, but during the finale, Chidi expains one of the ways a Budhist looks at death. I don't think watching this little clip gives too much away, but it gave me a LOT of feelings. I mean, the whole show is about people that have already died. It's about getting into the good place or the bad place. There is ZERO factual information and it certainly doesn't align with my Christian beliefs. It's just a funny show. But this thing that Chidi said was so impactful this week.
I thought it was just so beautful. In know that my sons are not dying. They are ACTUALLY just living on thier own.They are living. It's just that it feels like I've watched them grow into this big, beautiful wave. I have measured it, admired the way the light comes through it and watched it form into this incredible wave. But that wave was just the first one that they were. That was the wave that I helped make. They've returned to the ocean, but were always a part of the ocean. This is the part of thier lives were they get to build thier own wave by themselves.
I have referenced this quote & post more than once. "Your son growing up will feel like the slowest breakup you've ever known." There's also the old adage, "A daughter is a daughter for all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife." My boys are spreading thier wings. The American governement says that they are legal adults. But they are still my babies, right?!?! There isn't a single other person on this planet that can look at thier hairy faces (that are 6+" above mine) and still see baby cheeks or hear a high pitched voice saying "mommy." Moms are the only one with that capability and it never goes away.
I have so much to be happy about. The boys and I have come through some really awful things. NO boy should lose thier dad to cancer when they're that young. NO boy should have to deal with thier crazy mother fumbling through raising boys the best she can. But they did it. They did it well. And continue to do well. They are smart and beautiful and good and excited to embrace thier future.
Meanwhile, I have met this incredbile man that I FINALLY get to marry in a couple of months. He is remarkable. And while I never thought I would be a needy person, I find myself wanting to be with him all of the time. I do not like being away from him. This week, I realized that some of my clinginess is the fear of him dying. I can't deal with that loss. I just can't do it. Every day that I am closer to being Mrs. Bandow I am fearful that he might die, too. I can't lose these men in my life. I love them too much. One might think, "Jess, you've dealt with it once. Stop being fearful of it happening again." It's actually because I know that pain that I know I can't go through that again.
It's just so funny that for the past month, God has been sending me requests to hand over my crap?? I don't have to walk through my problems alone. I can lay everything at his feet. It seems so easy for someone that isn't a control freak, but I've had to do some work saying things like, "Financial issues??? God, I know you will provide. So, I lay this at your feet while I continue to work hard and do my best at the job you gave me." I have even been praying that God watch over my boys. I pray over my children all of the time, but that special prayer has been reworded now that they've flown the coop.
But this one... The realization that I am actually terrified of everyone dying ... It's crushing me. I am constantly on the verge of tears today. I know all kinds of scripture about fear, too. Joshua 1:9, 2 Timothy 1:7, Psalm 23:4 - All of them basically stating the same thing from Isaiah 41:10 "FEAR NOT, for I AM WITH YOU." So now I have to hand over this fear, but it feels like I'm handing over my duty as a mother. I AM STILL THIER MOM!
Then it all hit me. As a control freak, I'm afraid that they are going to all die the moment they aren't all in my nest. I'm afraid of people dying, because I know the reality of that situation. I also know that I can't control it. I couldn't stop it from happening if I tried. I do need to stop feeling this way. I need to believe that they have all of the tools to survive this world on thier own. I need to trust that Kyle isn't going die from whatever. I need to let go. I need to release this fear. It's a legitimate fear, but I have to let it go. But before I go, here's a sweet reminder of what I'm afraid to lose.
Go be amazing boys. Your mommy loves you. I know you're going to both do great things. Remember to Live, Laugh & Love..... even if you don't have a sign in your breakfast area.
